Discipline

“As in… literally? Or… figuratively, too?”

“He’s dead meat because of me,” I mumbled, my words sounding childish. “I don’t even know what I was doing with him, anyway. I was only torturing myself by being here with him.”

“Why?”

“Because this can’t last for long. I know I have to stop seeing him once we get home. But I want him more with every second that passes and with every one of those passing seconds, I think about how I’m closer to the end of summer and closer to having to leave him. Because I can’t live a secret life anymore. Not after Ben.” My head was heavy as I shook it. “I can’t. I don’t want to feel like something is controlling me. Or us. I need to be out in the open. I want to be like Mike and Linh. But if we ever let people find out about us, I know Woodhill will turn on him and accuse him of lie after lie ‘cause they’ve done it to other people before. And if for some reason they don’t, my mom personally will because he doesn’t have money for her to leech off of. He’s just a teacher. He’s not Ben.” I covered my face, groaning. “And Ben. He texted me before we left. Didn’t say anything then, just texted me every last bit of Aaron’s information — his address, social security number, school schedule. And he texted me this morning. About Aaron again. I don’t know what to expect from him anymore. He still thinks we’re together or something. He still thinks he owns me, and that only he can touch me.” I shook my head, raking my fingers against my scalp, through my hair. “There’s just…” I heaved a long, deep sigh, letting my heavy eyelids close. “There are way more bad things that’ll happen because Aaron and I are together. Way more bad things than good.”

Em was silent for a while as she took in my whole rant. I knew that I wouldn’t want to hear whatever logical thing she was about to say, but I stood there, waiting for her to speak.

“You should talk to him about this.”

“Em, no. He’s out there with Mike and the guys, he’s having fun for the first time in too long. He’s probably hammered by now, honestly, and I’m not his girlfriend. I’m not going to bog him down with some discussion that’s going to end up going nowhere. I know we want each other but we both want things that conflict with being together, so I’m just going to have to accept this sooner rather than later. We aren’t meant to be.”

“Then everything you feel right now is a lie, is what you’re saying. Everything he feels, too. All lies?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “No, but sometimes things aren’t as logical as you are, Em. I’m sure there have been people in the past who couldn’t be together despite wanting each other desperately.”

Em threw her hands in the air. “Honestly, Nina, what is the big deal if people in your town find out you two are together? You’re well over eighteen at this point and there’s nothing illegal about your relationship.”

I cocked my hip and held my hand up to count the reasons. “They’ll investigate whether he was with me before I graduated, and if he’d ever been with other students. I know the protocol, it’s happened before. He’ll be put on suspension in the meantime, possibly. His reputation will be shot, definitely. He won’t be granted tenure. They’d probably fire him right after that and if they didn’t, the parents would rally around the school board until he did. I know my town.” In my drunken state, my mind imagined Bree Hannigan blackmailing Aaron in exchange for an affair. It made me slightly laugh to myself though it really wasn’t that far-fetched of a thought. But the sardonic smile quickly slid from my lips as I remembered my last reason. “And honestly, Em, I’m scared of Ben. Still. I’m afraid he’ll just… find Aaron and he and Dane will just — ”

“Nina. You cannot live the rest of your life afraid of Ben. You’re the one who says you don’t want to be controlled anymore but look at what you’re letting him — ”

Em’s sentence cut off as she suddenly looked to the side, into the hallway outside the kitchen. My gaze followed hers and fluttered when Aaron walked into my eye line. Finishing the last of his drink, he turned his glazed eyes from her to me.

“How long were you standing there?” I blurted, more accusatory than I’d meant to sound.

“Long enough.” He set his drink down on the counter before cocking his head with almost a sense of amusement. “What is it that you think Ben will do to me?”

Em muttered something about leaving us alone before shuffling out of the kitchen. I could see her through my peripheral vision but my eyes were on Aaron’s cold ones. “Honestly?” I shrugged one shoulder, defeated. “I think if he doesn’t find some way to make you lose your job, he’s going to come and beat the shit out of you.”

“We all saw how well that worked last time.”

“He’ll figure something out. He’s not going to come alone.”

Aaron closed the gap between us, stepping closer and closer until the tips of our toes touched. Leaning his hands against the counter on either side of me, he framed my body with his arms. “You’re already giving this to him then, huh? He’s already won.”

I turned my head away from him. I could smell, practically taste the alcohol on his breath and Em had been right, I needed to be cut off. “I’m just telling the truth, Aaron. He’s fucking crazy.”

“He has all my information?”

Guilt heaved in my chest. I could hardly look at him as I answered. “Yes.”

“What does he want from me?”

“I don’t know.” A frown creased between my brows and I closed my eyes as Aaron held my chin, trying to face me to him. “I’m sorry.”

I felt his face following mine as I tried to face away, his breath continuing to tickle my lips no matter where I turned. “Don’t be sorry for him. Look at me.” My eyes still shut, I felt his hand rake through my hair and take a handful, firm but somehow gentle as he held my face still. “Look at me.”

I opened my eyes, my mouth immediately parting at the sight of his blazing blue irises so close to mine, our lips as close as they could be without touching.

“I’ll take care of Ben.”

“What? No you won’t, Aaron. Anything you do, he’ll use against you. Lay a finger on him again and he’ll have you thrown in jail this time. And whatever happens, he’ll make sure Woodhill hears about it. So I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stand here and be the reason your dream job gets taken away from you. You deserve your passion. You don’t deserve me screwing everything up for you.”

Aaron peeled my hands from his chest as they tried to push off of him to get away, perhaps take a swig from that Grey Goose bottle and go to bed for the night. “So we’ll just stop seeing each other now?” he asked, his voice low, husky as he held me still with one hand around both of mine. “Make it easier on Ben?”

“It’s not about making it easier on Ben, it’s about making it easier on you!”