She was so ashamed.
Later, when it felt as though the rest of the world must be sound asleep, Kitty found herself firing up her laptop and typing in his name. So much for not thinking about him. She watched as the search results filled the page, clicking on a link to a video interview with him.
And there he was, in full, glorious detail, the man she’d fallen for, the man she’d hurt. He looked so very different, and yet familiar. In the frozen frame he was beardless, his hair styled in an easy mop, his eyes crinkled the way they did when he smiled.
Damn, she missed his smile.
Even though she knew it was masochistic, she moved the cursor with her mouse, clicking play o
n the video. It came on to full screen, with Adam sitting cross-legged in a chair, answering the questions posed to him by the interviewer.
‘Did you always want to make documentaries?’
Adam smiled. ‘No, it was something I fell into. I started off studying to become a director. My brother and I had this plan that we were going to be some kind of major force in the film world, with him producing movies and me directing them. But I guess the Coen brothers have nothing to be worried about any more.’ He gave an easy laugh.
From the notes on the video, this interview was at least two years old. She couldn’t tell how old he was here. But his reference to his brother told her that it was made when the two of them were still at least on good terms with each other.
‘So you decided not to become a film director. How did that come about?’
‘I was given an assignment at school. We had to make a ten-minute documentary on a controversial figure. I ended up choosing to interview Lance Beckford – who was on death row at the time. A few months later his appeal came up and he won. There was no direct link between the documentary and his appeal, but somehow I got a taste for the form.’
‘Lance Beckford the LA Bomber?’
‘Except he turned out not to be.’ Adam winked. ‘And from the moment I interviewed him I knew something was really wrong. He seemed innocent to me.’
‘Is that what appealed to you about documentaries?’ the interviewer asked. ‘The ability to right wrongs.’
Adam shook his head. ‘No, it was more elemental than that. I love the way the form gives you the ability to find the pure unadulterated truth. In a world full of lies, it’s important to be able to cut through the bullshit. That’s what appealed to me about it.’
Kitty clicked on the pause button, closing her eyes before the tears started to fall. It hurt way too much to watch him any more. Even hearing his voice made her heart ache.
In a world full of lies, it’s important to be able to cut through the bullshit. He’d certainly managed to cut through hers today. He must hate her for not telling him the truth straight away. For persuading herself that a family Christmas was more important than telling him what she’d found.
God knew, she was starting to hate herself.
31
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man
knows himself to be a fool
– As You Like It
‘So I guess I shouldn’t bother asking if you had a good Christmas then?’ Martin gave him a wry look.
Adam’s smile died on his lips before it even made it out of the gate. Even after two days it was impossible to find anything funny about it. ‘Yeah. Don’t bother.’
Martin looked him over, a worried expression forming on his face. ‘I’m glad you called.’
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d answer,’ Adam said. He didn’t bother telling Martin he’d been his last hope. Two days of pacing and running and trying not to pull his cabin apart were testament to that. But that wasn’t the worst part. It was the ache in his chest that refused to go away. The desperation he felt every time he smelled her scent. The way he kept looking up at the big house whenever he ran past, somehow hoping she’d see him.
And still not having the balls to go in to see her.
‘And is your brother pressing charges this time?’ Martin asked, referring to Adam’s fight with Everett. He hadn’t looked best pleased as Adam had described their confrontation – not that his reaction was very surprising. They’d been working on controlling Adam’s anger for months, and the first time he was riled, he’d given in to it again.
‘Not as far as I know. The police haven’t been down to see me.’
‘So that’s that then?’ Martin asked. ‘It’s all over, and everything’s back to normal?’