‘I’m not angry with her. I’m more angry at myself.’
‘Then what is it you’re feeling?’
If it didn’t hurt so much, Adam would have laughed at the question. What was he feeling? It was almost impossible to explain. It was as though his body had been pumped full of so many emotions he wasn’t sure which was which any more. Anger morphed into sadness, which quickly gave way to a sense of futility. And the pain, God the pain, it was almost too much to think about.
‘Hurt,’ he finally said, his voice quiet. ‘I feel so hurt. And I miss her.’ Christ, he really did.
‘You hurt because you miss her?’ Martin tried to clarify.
> Adam leaned forward, his expression intent. ‘No, not just because I miss her. I hurt because I hurt her, too. Because I pushed her away, I didn’t give her a chance to tell me anything. I hurt because I’m not just the victim here, I’m the villain, too. And I hate myself for it.’
‘Isn’t that what we all are?’ Martin asked, his voice sympathetic. ‘The victims and villains of our own lives? We have to come to terms with the good and bad inside of us, accept that we’ll never be all one or the other. And if we acknowledge we have a bit of Beast as well as Beauty in there, maybe we can find a way for them both to live together.’
Adam frowned. ‘Did you just use a fairy-tale analogy on me?’ His lip twitched. He wanted to laugh but it seemed so damned inappropriate.
‘I might have.’
‘Jesus, you know how to hit a man when he’s down.’
This time Martin was the one to laugh. ‘I’m trying to make an important point here. The fact is we have to learn to live with the good and bad parts of ourselves, and that brings a certain peace to our lives. The panic and the anger and the destructiveness comes from when we try to fight against ourselves, where we try to cling on to a modicum of control when there really isn’t any there. Acceptance, it’s the key to everything.’
Adam listened to his words, absorbed them, even saw the sense in them. ‘So what should I do about Kitty? Do you think I should call her, apologise?’
Martin grinned. ‘I’m an anger-management therapist, not your girlfriend. This one’s all yours to figure out, my friend.’
When Adam pulled his truck into the driveway at the big house, Jonas was sitting on the doorstep, throwing a ball for the puppy. Every time the dog brought the ball back, Jonas petted him, making a fuss of him before throwing it again. Adam climbed out of the cab and stood back for a while, watching his nephew, taking in the dejected slant of his shoulders.
‘Hey.’ He sat on the step next to Jonas. ‘Did you give the dog a name?’
Jonas shrugged morosely. ‘Does it matter?’
Adam gently nudged him, shoulder to shoulder. ‘Of course it matters. Would you like to have no name? Names mean somebody loves you, that you belong. That when somebody calls you they want you.’
‘Clarence. That’s his name.’
The dog’s ears perked up.
‘After the angel? The one in It’s a Wonderful Life?’ Adam asked.
Jonas nodded, then threw the ball again.
‘That’s a great name.’ Adam clapped his hand on his nephew’s shoulder. ‘Clarence. A strong name, it’s perfect.’
The dog trotted over, the ball still in his mouth. As soon as he reached Jonas he let go of it, waiting expectantly until the boy picked it up and threw it again. Adam’s heart ached when he saw how half-hearted his nephew’s movements were.
‘It’s been a bad few days, huh?’ he said.
Another shrug. ‘I guess.’
‘Well I’m sorry for my part in it. I shouldn’t have shouted and I certainly shouldn’t have hurt your dad the way I did. I’d like to make it up to you if I can.’
‘How?’
Adam tipped his head to the side, looking at the boy. ‘Any way you like, you name the price. We can go sledding, we can go out somewhere on the Skidoo. I’ll watch any movie you want. What do you say?’
For some reason the kid’s face fell. ‘Oh.’
‘What is it?’ Adam leaned in closer. He may not have been the most intuitive man in the world, but there was something bugging Jonas so bad he could barely meet his eye. ‘Was it something I said?’