Midlife Do Over

So much, that every sign of familiarity made my heart ache, clench with regret that I let one little heartache keep me away for so long. I missed years with my best friend because phone calls, emails and video calls just weren’t enough. Not when my goddaughters were growing like weeds and growing into their personalities.

As I pulled up to Valona’s three story Victorian, I smiled, suddenly very happy to be back home. To be with the people who knew me best in the world, my best friend and my brother, once again. They knew me, knew my heart, and had been with me during the best and worst moments of my life. Despite my absences, they didn’t hold it against me, and most of all, both had welcomed me back with open arms.

And I would reward them by not being a burden or a distraction from their busy lives. I would spend a night or two with Valona and the girls, catching up and loving on my bestie and her sweet girls, and when I woke up tomorrow I would get started on the rest of my life. Starting with a home of my own and a job.

Not necessarily in that order, but a big fat failure couldn’t be too picky.

Chapter 3

Ryan

“Holy shit man, that was the greatest show on Earth!” My youngest brother, Roman, clapped me on the back as we rushed off stage after a third encore, and made our way down the well-lit tunnel until we reached the main door of the backstage area. “That was the shit, and you know it! Don’t even bother denying it.” Roman entered the room, not at all nonplussed by all the women, the strangers lounging among our stuff as if they belonged.

It was still unnerving to me, but I was a little older than Roman’s thirty-three years. He still found joy and escape in slipping it inside of a random chick anywhere there was a modicum of privacy. I didn’t judge him for how he chose to unwind, it just didn’t do it for me anymore.

Unfortunately.

While Roman got sucked into the clutches of two wannabe groupies, I sat back, feeling good as I watched the partiers wearing wide smiles as if they had any claim on the kickass performance we put on tonight. For my part, I felt bittersweet, the same way I felt when we finished recording an album, performed the last day of a tour, ended a relationship. It was all just another ending to me, good while it lasted, but there was no desire to go back once it was over.

Except that once.

Derek and Roman soaked up the attention, as they always did. Whether it was women or genuine fans, they ate up every moment of it. Not as if it were their due, but as if it could all go away at any minute. Derek had a rapt audience as he recounted the way he felt when all fifty thousand concert goers sang along with him to Always In My Heart, while Roman whispered sweet nothings to a redhead and accepted small promising kisses from a blond.

I sat back the way I always did, and observed every little detail. Not in a creepy way, at least not to me, but I was a people watcher. It helped me write songs and stay grounded.

And now, I was ready to get the hell off the road. To sleep in my own bed with the brand new memory foam mattress, every night. It was a luxury I’d learned years ago to never take for granted, the pleasure of lying down on the same pillow in the same bed night after night. There was a certain sense of comfort in that kind of sameness, and no place offered that level of comfort, of sameness, as Carson Creek. It was home, it was where I could unwind, enjoy and just soak up the beauty of the place, let it soothe my restless heart. Let it inspire me.

That was my goal for my stay at home, to write songs for the new album, to relax, and learn all that I could about the ins and outs of running a restaurant. It wasn’t exactly the rock star behavior people expected, but thankfully I was the boring brother. The quiet one. The old one. Old, my ass. Forty wasn’t old, not for me. I felt better today than when I was thirty, damn those bloggers.

“Hey man, watching everyone like a creeper instead of enjoying the last night of the tour?” Roman’s deep voice, filled with amusement, slowly pulled me from my thoughts, my plans for the future.

I shrugged off his gentle ribbing. “It’s what I do.”

“Luckily, you’re almost as hot as me, or else it would be damn creepy.” Roman laughed again and pulled a cold beer from a nearby cooler and shook his head as he twisted the top and took a long sip.