Midlife Do Over

“Then why regret an evening of fantastic sex?” He made it sound so simple, and though I was nobody’s prude, it just didn’t feel that simple.

“Why? The same reason I hate hearing you call me Pip.” I hated the fact that I still wanted Ryan, that as much as looking at him hurt, being with him felt too good to deny. “It’s not about you, it’s about the me I am when I’m with you.”

“I don’t know, sweetheart, that still sounds like it’s about me.”

I turned my gaze up to him with a smile. “That’s just your rockstar ego.”

He laughed, the sound deep and rich as he pulled me so that my back was flush up against the front of his naked body. “Nobody keeps me grounded like you, Pip.”

In that moment, I closed my eyes and inhaled his masculine, slightly musky from sex, scent. I let myself live in that one moment, in his arms, contented and satisfied after sex. And for just a few moments, I let myself be Pip, the spunky girl who had no idea how cruel the world, and men, could be. “That’s because I know you don’t walk on water.”

He gave me a quick squeeze. “That can be our little secret.”

“No one would believe me anyway.”

His lips brushed against my neck, his teeth nibbled gently at my earlobe. “God, Pip, I just can’t get enough of you.”

I smiled at his words, but I knew they weren’t true. “You will.”

He froze for just a moment but it was noticeable. “You’ll never forgive me for going after my dreams, will you Pip?”

I inched out of Ryan’s grasp and focused on his face to see if he was kidding, if he was just trying to get a rise out of me again, but his expression was dead-on serious. Almost bewildered.

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

He sat up, his golden chest nearly glistening in the moonlight. “I guess you’ll have to enlighten me, darlin’.”

My gaze narrowed and I pointed an angry finger at him. “Don’t give me that darlin’ crap Ryan, and don’t bat your damn eyelashes at me.

His eyes widened innocently and he put a hand to his chest. “Who me?”

I nod defiantly. “Yeah, you. You’ve already gotten what you want,” I sighed, “so there really is no point in rehashing the past.”

“What I wanted? I seem to remember, very vividly, you enjoyed yourself too. Unless, was that me pushing my own head down and begging for more?”

“What can I say? You have a talented mouth, but we’re not talking about me. You got exactly what you came here for, that’s what I’m talking about.”

“That’s not why I came here Pippa, I just wanted to see you. To hear your laugh.”

“Okay, fine. You got that too, now it’s time for you to go.” This man was a professional songwriter, he had a knack for words and could put them together in a way that might make me forget our past.

He laughed and pushed off the ground quickly. “Dammit, getting off that hard ground ain’t as easy as it used to be.” He looked down at me determinedly. “I’m not going anywhere until we talk Pip. For real. So let’s stop with the anger and just enlighten me, will ya?”

He wanted to talk about this? Then I would make sure he heard the truth, cold and unvarnished. “I’m not mad that you went to chase your dreams, Ryan. I was always your biggest cheerleader. I wanted you to go out and become the star you are today. I was upset that you never once even asked me if I wanted to come with you, almost as if you hadn’t even considered it.” The fact that I was less than an afterthought to him was what hurt most. “Did it even occur to you to ask?” Did I really want the answer to that now, after all these years? Hell no. I put my hands up to stop any words about to fall from his lips. “Okay. You’ve been enlightened and now it’s really time for you to go.” I picked up my tank top and slipped it over my head before I went in search of my cut-off shorts.

“Pippa,” he began, but no words followed and that was all the answer I needed.

“It’s all right, Ryan. I don’t need an explanation. Not anymore.”

“Then what do you need?”

I sighed. “I need you to stop trying to rewrite history, to stop pretending that we were some great love story when the truth is that you dropped the dead weight as soon as you got the chance. That’s what makes me angry, Ryan. I can’t tell if you’re being cruel or just oblivious, but I don’t like it at all.”

The weight of his stare pressed down on my shoulders until guilt started to creep in, but I held strong. I watched him carefully as he took his time getting dressed, admiring the way his body still moved with the grace of a man half his age. Ryan stopped in front of me and leaned in to kiss me, laughing gently when I gave him my cheek.