Midlife Do Over

Val rolled her eyes and sipped her tea. “Oh, come on. What did he say, really?”

“Val,” I sighed and shook my head. “He said nothing. Literally, nothing.” I could close my eyes and see him as clear as day. The guppy fish impersonation, the dumbfounded expression on his face, all of it, and it made me angry all over again. “He said nothing. No words. Hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and walked away. That was a week ago.”

“Wow. That’s nuts.”

My sentiments exactly, but I knew Val would read too much into that, so I laughed bitterly and paired it with a sardonic smile. “Had I known that would get rid of him so swiftly, I would have lied about being pregnant before things ever got this far.”

“You wouldn’t have, because you’re a chicken and you would never risk that he might stick around and offer to take care of the baby.”

“Ha! With all the evidence to the contrary?” I shook my head. “Ryan is who he is and I refuse to redefine it because it would make all of this easier. “It worked to get rid of him pretty damn quickly, that’s for sure.” And as glad as I was that he’d left me alone, part of me was sad—for my baby—that he’d walked away so easily. Again. I knew that kind of rejection and the pain it caused. It was the kind of pain that made you second guess every emotion, every relationship in your life. The mistrust ran deep and it was impossible to simply will oneself to trust again. “Now I just have to figure out how to be a forty year old single working mother.” Should be easy, right?

Yeah, right.

Val stared at me, dark brows arched. “If I can manage it, so can you.”

I nodded, appreciating her confidence. “No offense, but it’s not the same. You had help when your girls were small. I can’t afford to take three months off work to spend time with a baby, to bond with him or her. Even with what’s left of my savings, time off and hospital bills will put a big dent in that number.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that, but you’ll have something I didn’t have. Me and my support.” Val laid a hand on top of mine and gave it a supportive squeeze.

“I appreciate that, but Val, this is your time to get your business off the ground, to live your life. Not to mention, you have a fairly energetic pair of twins on your hands. You have no room in our life for the kind of baggage I’m packing these days.”

“I can help you with a nanny since the one thing Rodney did do, was leave me with a ton of money.”

“You’re sweet for offering,” I told her because borrowing money was the fastest way to ruin a friendship. “But I have to be able to do this on my own, and I don’t even know how I’m going to do that. Healthcare costs associated with just having the baby might bankrupt me, and if it doesn’t, childcare costs damn well will.” I felt myself starting to spiral as all the things I needed to do before the baby arrived were tallied up in my head. The baby didn’t have a room yet, or diapers, or onesies, or even a car seat. I can’t bring a baby home from the hospital without a car seat. Can I? “I’m not sure I can do this, Val.”

“Of course you can. You left Carson Creek and spent the past couple decades bossing around snooty waitresses, bullheaded chefs and placating people with more money than good sense. You can do this in your sleep.”

I laughed. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I’m not so sure. You can’t just yell at a baby to get his or her shit together, can you?”

“No,” she laughed. “But you can find ways to convey that message without the profanity. Kids are sponges, that’s lesson number one. Whatever you say will be repeated at daycare and kindergarten and all of the most inappropriate places you can imagine.”

“That actually sounds pretty damn adorable. Promise I’ll have a potty mouthed baby?”

“Knowing you, Pippa, I can just about guarantee it.”

“Thanks, babe.” I leaned over and gave my best friend a clumsy hug, nearly knocking over two mugs of tea in the process. “I needed that and I’m going to hold you to it.”

Valona groaned. “I had a feeling you might say that. Now I have to come over every day and swear up a storm as the baby grows in your belly.” She stroked her chin. “Okay, totally doable. You can count on me.”

We shared another hug that was interrupted by the sound of a fist pounding on the front door, startling us both. I pulled back with wide eyes. “Angry lover looking for revenge?”