“Did you know they were performing?”
My best friend, the traitor, shrugged. “Listen to the song, Pip.”
I turned away from the stage because I couldn’t look at him, not if this was what I thought it was, and listened while I sipped the now tasteless bisque.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming out to the Dark Horse, and thanks for letting me crash your dinner this evening.” Ryan spoke to the crowd and I turned back around because usually Roman was the front man with his big personality and charisma. “This is a new song I wrote and, well, I think the words speak for themselves. Enjoy.”
The guitar sound dominated the song but not as much as Ryan’s deep, smooth voice as he sang of apologies and forgiveness.
My whole world
My everything
She was everything to me
And for all the harm I did, I owe her an apology
The chorus repeated, almost as if on purpose, to make sure that I couldn’t forget them.
I’m sorry, baby
So damn sorry
I wasn’t man enough to tell you the truth
I’m sorry, baby
So damn sorry
I couldn’t be there for you
The lyrics were heartfelt and they went straight from Ryan’s lips and pierced my heart. Everyone was right, he was a talented song writer, because the lyrics brought tears to my eyes.
Can you forgive me?
Can I make up for the past?
Can I undo the hurt and the pain I caused
To get back the greatest love I ever had?
By the time the song ended, I was a bawling mess. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I gasped and hiccoughed as I fought for oxygen. It wasn’t pretty, not nearly as beautiful as that song.
“Holy hell, that was great, wasn’t it?”
Val nodded and swiped a tear from her eye. “It was hauntingly beautiful, and it was meant for you.”
I smiled through my tears. “It was, wasn’t it?” It wasn’t so much that the song was meant for me, but that his words told me that Ryan finally got it. He finally understood my pain. The realization felt even more poignant as the entire restaurant got to its feet and applauded the hometown boys.
“That’s gotta be worth at least a conversation,” Val joked.
A shadow crossed the table and I knew it was Ryan before I looked up into his hazel eyes. “Hey Pip. Is now a good time to talk?”
I nodded, speechless and accepted Ryan’s hand as he led me outside the restaurant and took both of my hands in his. “That song was beautiful, Ryan. But your words? I have none to describe how I feel right now.”
His mouth kicked up into a crooked smile. “I’m sorry Pip, that I didn’t ask you to come, but you have to know that it wasn’t because I didn’t love you or didn’t want you to come with us, I did. More than anything.” He shook his head and let his thumbs glide back and forth over the back of my hand. “I didn’t want you to build your life around me. You were always so brilliant at everything you did and I didn’t want you putting off your life, your studies and job opportunities for me and the band. I didn’t want our life to revolve around my tour schedule, especially if we never made it big.”
My heart was so full at his words, so intense and sincere. “I always knew you guys would make it because you worked hard, and most of all, you worked your way up from dive bars and college basement parties.”
He blinked. “You knew?”
“You broke my heart, Ryan, but I didn’t stop loving you.”
He smiled. “What if we hadn’t made it big right away Pip? What if we’d spent ten years playing small venues and making no money? You deserved so much more than that.”
I nodded at his words that now made so much more sense. “I deserved a chance to decide my own future, Ryan. I deserved the future we dreamed of having. Together.”
“I know,” he nodded and released my hands to run them through his already disheveled hair. “That’s why I’m sorry, but the thought of becoming one of your regrets, I just wasn’t strong enough to endure that. In trying to avoid that, I became one anyway.”
“Only because I loved you with all of my heart.”
“I still love you, Pip. More than I was even capable of loving you back then, because now I know what it’s like to live without you and it’s hell. I want my days and my nights filled with you. I want you to experience being on tour with us for a few days and I want to learn how to change a diaper.”
“You do?” I laughed. “Because that can totally be arranged when you’re home.”
“Hell yeah. I want the full fatherhood experience from dirty diapers to baby puke and late night feedings. And watching you feed our baby is at the top of that list.”