Starry-Eyed Love (Spark House)

“She told me she was always the one who pushed your physical relationship.”

I rub my jaw. “That’s not fair to her. We’d had chemistry, and this might sound callous, but it was convenient and easier to appease those needs with someone who didn’t expect more from me than it was to try to put myself out there and meet someone new, especially considering my experiences with some of the previous women I’d been involved with. It doesn’t matter if she sought me out, I was a willing participant and she shouldn’t shoulder the blame. My romantic relationships have never been easy, maybe in part because I didn’t want to experience that kind of rejection again, and it was so closely tied to the loss of my parents, that those two things almost felt synonymous with each other,” I tell her, coming to realize that it’s exactly why I couldn’t and wouldn’t entertain getting serious. And why talking about it with anyone hasn’t been something I’ve ever been open to. The painfulness of it has been too deeply intertwined. “I was too afraid to really put myself out there. At least until you came along.”

“I think I understand what you mean. You were already comfortable with each other. It was easier not to put your heart on the line with someone new, and since you’d already put your heart on the line with Selene and survived it, sleeping with her allowed you to take care of your personal needs, without the fear of getting attached again,” London says.

“It sounds really awful when you put it that way.”

“It doesn’t sound awful. It sounds like survival,” London says with a small smile, giving my words back to me. “And somewhat familiar. Although I never had an ex I could go to when I wanted my needs to be met, I do have these.” She raises both of her hands and wiggles her fingers, then maybe realizes what she’s insinuating and clasps her hands in her lap.

“I consistently chose men I would never fall in love with. I don’t even think I realized that was what I was doing until I met you. And then I had all these feelings I’d never really experienced before. Not with this kind of intensity, anyway. I mean, I’d never even been jealous until Selene. I had no idea what to do with that feeling. When I went to the bathroom at the event, there was a group of women talking about Selene, and being … catty bitches.”

I sit up straighter. “What women? What were they saying?”

“I don’t know who they were, but they were gossiping, just being generally nasty. But they mentioned your relationship with Selene. And then when I overheard the two of you talking on the terrace, I just couldn’t handle any of it. I thought you didn’t trust me enough to be completely honest. And then I didn’t know what to believe. And I realize I should have given you a real chance to explain, but I felt like I’d been strung along.”

“If I’d realized what Selene was holding onto, I wouldn’t have crossed that line with her, and that’s on me. I feel bad that I put you in that position. Omissions are the same as lies, and as embarrassing as it might be, I should have told you the truth. Selene and I talked last week. We both realize we made mistakes, but we also agree that we’re better off as friends.”

“And is she okay with that? Just being friends?”

“She seemed almost relieved. She told me that seeing how I was with you, and how broken up I was over you not speaking to me showed her what she wanted and deserved. If that makes sense?”

“I think it does. You have a lot of years of being tied to each other one way or another. And it’s not as though you can just disappear from each other’s lives. You run in the same circles and know all the same people. And you work together on projects.”

“All of that is true. Although depending on where you’re at and whether you’d be willing to give us another try, if you need me to avoid Selene, I can and will do that.”

London gives me a small smile. “You don’t need to avoid her. And I don’t think that’s fair or reasonable. I believe you when you say you’re not interested in her romantically anymore, and I believe Selene when she told me she needed to let you go.”

“Does that mean you’re willing to give me another chance?”

“If you can be honest with me, even when it’s hard, then yes, we can try again.”

“I promise that I’ll be open with you. I don’t ever want to put you through something like this again. I hated that I hurt you and I couldn’t fix it.”