“Oh no,” Theo said, sympathetic. “Did you have a bad experience with a straight guy? I’ve had my fair share of those, too.”
My heart was pounding a million miles a minute in my chest.
I’d never told anybody about my experience with Chandler. I’d kept that shit locked deep inside for over ten years, and until now, I’d expected to take it to the grave.
But Theo had a funny way of making me feel like anything was possible.
“I guess I did,” I finally said, taking a deep breath. “We were drunk. Too drunk. He was horny and let me jerk him off, but after that night, things went south really quick.”
“God, I fucking hate that shit,” Theo said. “It’s fine if straight guys want to experiment, but that sounds like it was worse.”
“A lot worse,” I said. “I tried to ask him out on a date later that week, and then I never saw him again.”
“Jesus,” Theo said softly, leaning back down to rest his head on my chest.
Fuck.
There it was. Theo knew the one secret I’d kept from everybody else for the last ten years. And he was completely sympathetic to it.
“Well, I promise I’m not going to disappear on you,” he said. “And not just because I’m paying you. I know I want to cuddle with you, even though I’m completely sure you’re not going to ask me out on a date like you did with your best friend.”
“Ex-best friend,” I corrected.
I was suddenly all warm and fuzzy from Theo telling me that he wanted to cuddle with me. Since when was I such a softie? Maybe I always had been.
“Right. Well, I’m glad you still have some patience for my crazy ass,” he said.
I snorted. “You’re far from crazy, Theo,” I said. “You know, I met that friend when I was working as a bouncer at a club. And when I worked at that club, I saw plenty more crazy. A drunk girl outside the club tried to give me twenty dollars to pierce her belly button.”
“What the hell?”
“Yep,” I said. “Right there outside the club. She wanted me to do it with a safety pin.”
“Good lord,” Theo said.
“I made sure she got in a safe cab with a water bottle very quickly,” I told him.
“Well, my version of crazy is just… I freak out sometimes when I sleep alone,” he said. “Didn’t start happening until this year, but it’s gotten kind of bad.”
“I understand.”
“Can I tell you a secret, then?” Theo said softly. I could feel him against my chest, the gentle rise and fall of his body as he breathed.
“Please.”
He hummed, and I let myself bring a hand up to his soft hair, stroking my fingers through it. I didn’t know if it was okay or not, but the moment I started doing it, I felt fucking amazing, and he let out a perfect little hum. So I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop now.
“Okay, here’s a secret of mine. Sometimes I’d invite guys over to my house in LA, right after the stalker situation got bad,” he said. “They’d think they were coming over for a hookup, but in reality, I just didn’t want to be in bed alone at night. I felt awful about it.”
“You don’t have to feel bad about that,” I said. “Sounds pretty fucking sweet, if you ask me. You just wanted to feel safe.”
He let out a breath. “I really, really needed to feel safe.”
My chest tightened a little. “You’ve been scared for such a long time, haven’t you?”
“It feels like an eternity, even though it’s been a little less than a year,” he said. “Ironically, tonight was the safest I’d felt in a long time. Until I had a nightmare and acted like a whiny little baby, obviously.”
I gently clasped my hand against the back of his head, clutching him close against my chest. “I meant it when I said you’re okay,” I told him. “I’m not judging you. I’m certainly not going to let anything happen to you. And we’re going to find the guy, if he really is here in Amberfield. Okay?”
“Okay.” He shifted a little, cuddling up closer to me, his legs up against the side of my body under the covers. “I can’t believe you kissed me.”
My heart thunked in my chest, and I hoped to god he couldn’t feel it from where he was pressed up against me. I hadn’t been expecting him to just plainly acknowledge the kiss out loud, but I should have known that Theo would talk about anything. Theo Castille was many things, but shy was not on the list.
“You seemed like you needed it,” I murmured. My hand still rested on his head, and now I felt strangely afraid to move it. I was suddenly extremely aware of how close the two of us were, and the fact that his body was pressed up against mine was giving me a half-chub that was wildly unnecessary and would be embarrassing if he discovered.