The Spinster (Emerson Pass Historicals 2)

“They didn’t need two underaged boys,” I said. “Boys who should have been home finishing school and preparing for university.”

“I’m sorry, but I disagree,” Flynn said. “What we did over there is the most important thing we’ll ever do with our lives.”

“Yet one of you may be ruined for the rest of his.” I’d had eno

ugh. Still shaking from rage and grief, I nudged Cymbeline away from the door and yanked it open and ran outside. Too angry to feel the cold, I staggered out to the path that led to the barn, crying. Already I regretted my outburst. I’d not known how deeply resentful I was of Flynn’s insistence that they join the fight until I saw Theo utterly helpless and confused. He could have died out there like Mother. That thought made my stomach churn with fear. I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t watch him sink into insanity. He had to get better.

I entered the barn. Chickens scattered as I tromped across their path to the hayloft. My grip on the rungs was slippery in my gloves. I didn’t care. When I reached the top, I crawled into the dwelling on my hands and knees before getting to my feet. The room was tall enough that I could walk around without slouching. Bales of hay were stacked to the ceiling. We used the ones from the outside first, creating layers. I sat on the bottom row. Breathing hard from my anger and exertion, I wrapped my arms around my waist. Never in my life had I shouted at anyone. Had my siblings irritated me at times? Yes, but not in any way serious. This was unprecedented territory for me. I didn’t like it. Not at all. In fact, I felt sick to my stomach.

The sound of the barn door opening and shutting startled me. Please, do not be Flynn. Not yet. I needed time to think through what to do next.

I got up to peek over the railing. To my surprise, it was Phillip. Also surprising? I was glad to see him. Better him than my parents or one of my siblings.

“Josephine? Are you in here?”

“Up here,” I called down to him.

He lifted his gaze upward. “Ah, yes, there you are. May I join you?”

“I’m not particularly good company right now.”

“I don’t care. I’ve just come to see if you’re all right.” He crossed over to the ladder and peered up at me. Doodle strutted behind him. The rooster looks like Walter. How had I not seen that before now?

“Come up if you want,” I said. “Be careful. The ladder’s rungs are slippery.”

I needn’t have advised him. He came up the ladder with apparent ease. When he reached the top, he dropped to his knees on the floor before straightening. Too tall, he had to bow his head, as my brothers and Papa did.

I retreated to my bale of hay.

“May I sit with you?”

I nodded, scooting over to give him more room. When he sat, I smelled the spicy scent of his shaving soap.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” I said. “We don’t often fight.”

“I understand.”

“My mother was very sick before she died.”

“I can see why it would worry you to see Theo that way. After what you all went through.”

“One time I saw her standing over Fiona’s crib with a knife.”

“Cymbeline told me about that this morning. I’m very sorry you had to see that.”

“Cymbeline told you about that?”

“Yes. As a way to explain certain things about you.”

“Oh.” I sat with that for a moment. What else had Cymbeline told him about me?

“She thinks your mother’s illness and death had a great effect on you. And that you rarely talk about any of those times. That you’ve taken the brunt of your mother’s death and it’s made you too willing to make compromises or accept less than what you deserve.”

“She’s right.”

“Any time you want to talk to me about that or anything else, I’m here to listen.” Phillip plucked a piece of hay from my shoulder. “There’s nothing you could say that would turn me away.”

I lifted my gaze to him. There was such understanding and gentleness in his eyes that a lump formed at the back of my throat. “If anything happened to Theo, I don’t know what I’d do. He and I always had a special bond, both bookish and without an ounce of competition in us. We always just wanted peace and a good book. Cymbeline and Flynn are so driven. So relentless about everything, as if the world isn’t large enough for them.”