The Spinster (Emerson Pass Historicals 2)

She laughed, which came out sounding more like a hiccup. “Oh dear, all right. I suppose that would inform you of the technical aspects of…things. However, I wanted to mention that it’s not usually blissful the first time and that you shouldn’t give up. You’ll feel some pain, but that’s normal for your first encounter. The second time will be much better.”

It was my turn to blush. I’d had plenty of time over the last few months to imagine what it would be like to finally be in Phillip’s arms. Waiting had been excruciating. Every kiss made me yearn for more. However, I hadn’t known that it would hurt the first time. “I didn’t know that it would be painful. Thank you for that information.”

“That’s just it. No one tells you these things and then the night happens and, well, the not knowing is often worse than the reality. I didn’t want you to be scared.”

“I assumed it must be nice or women wouldn’t keep having babies.”

She laughed, less tightly this time. “Quite right. And there’s absolutely no reason to feel ashamed for enjoying yourself. I wanted to tell you that too.”

“Thanks, Mama.”

She patted my knee. “All right, then. As long as you don’t have any questions, I’ll leave it be.”

“I can’t think of anything else.” I wanted to ask many things, but I held back. Would I know what to do? For that matter, would he know what to do? Would he still like me without a pretty dress covering my body? How long should I stay in the bathroom to change into my wedding night gown?

She took my hand. “I can see all the questions in your eyes, dear one. Please don’t worry. You and Phillip will find your way together. When you love someone as you love Phillip, the body knows the course.”

“How did you know what I was thinking?”

“I was a young bride not so long ago.”

Tears came to my eyes as an image of my parents on their wedding day a decade ago flashed before me. “You saved us, you know, when you came here.”

“Ah, no. You’re the ones who saved me,” Mama said. “You can’t imagine how scared I was that day I stepped off the train.”

“I can remember that day too,” I said. “Not long after, the five of us started plotting how to make you our mother.”

Mama dabbed at her eyes with her lace handkerchief. “You children and your father have made me a very happy woman. Even though I would never have imagined seven children.”

“You’ve never made any of us feel that we needed to be anyone but ourselves,” I said. “We’ve all felt loved as if you’d given birth to us.”

Her gentle brown eyes glistened as she reached for my hand. “You’ve been the best big sister any of the girls or boys could ask for. I hope this big, messy family hasn’t made you wish for no children at all.”

I glanced out the window. Addie and Delphia were doing cartwheels between the tables, not exactly helping but at least occupying themselves. Cymbeline had a pile of cut roses on one table and was meticulously trimming their leaves and putting them into vases. My brothers and Phillip were in the process of erecting a dance floor out of boards. Harley and Viktor were loading the church piano from the back of a wagon—Papa’s solution to my request for an outdoor reception. Later, Fiona and Li would play for us.

I turned back to Mama. “I’d like to be the heart of a family like you are to us. What could be a better use of my life?”

“When you’re someone’s mother it goes far beyond the word usefulness. There’s really no way to describe the immensity of a mother’s love or of what she’ll do for her child. Your heart becomes entangled with their joys and sorrows. You question yourself each and every day if what you’re doing is the right thing. You send boys off to fight a war and pray on your knees every night that they’ll return to you in one piece or at all. You stay up all night with a sick child, wiping their brow when they’re delirious with fever. You watch as your beautiful adult daughter gives her love to the wrong man. All the time, you worry. Will they survive? Will they be happy? And then some days, like this one, your heart is overjoyed to see that same beautiful daughter about to marry the man meant for her. For a day, at least, you’re at peace. Until the next when you wake worried about one of the others. But it’s all worth it. Every minute. Because no one ever loves you like your mother, and to have the privilege of loving another human more than yourself is the greatest gift God gives. It’s the closest thing to what he feels for us, you know?” She paused, taking in a deep breath. “I guess that’s what I wanted to say—why I was crying this morning. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. More than I could ever say.”

By now I was crying too. She took me into her arms, and I leaned into her embrace as if I were still the child I’d been when she first came to us. As I had then, I marveled at how such a small woman could have so much strength. “Thank you for giving me the chance to be a child.”

Mama withdrew from me and reached into the pocket of her robe. She placed a small rectangular box in my hand. “I have a gift from Papa and me. He wanted me to give it to you before the ceremony for your ‘something new.’”

I took the box from her and lifted the lid to see a string of gleaming pearls. “They’re beautiful.”

“Every girl these days wants a string of pearls, isn’t that right?” Mama asked with an anxious lilt to her voice. “Do you like them?”

“I love them. I’ll wear them proudly today.”

“All right then, enough of this.” Mama stood, smoothing her robe with her hands. “Merry’s asked if she might help you dress today. For old times’ sake.”

“How sweet. Tell her I’ll be waiting.”

She gestured toward my gown, which hung on a hook on the door. “The next time I see you, you’ll be in your dress. Now eat some breakfast. We can’t have you fainting in the middle of the ceremony.”

The ceremony seemed over before it had begun. Papa insisted on driving us home in his motorcar, followed by the guests in their own cars. Everyone beeped and cheered as we paraded down the main street of town. Onlookers stopped and waved and clapped. Embarrassed by the attention but also touched, I waved back to them.

My groom beamed down at me. “What a town we have here.”