“What is it?” I asked. “Is there another reason why you wouldn’t entertain the idea of a courtship? Am I disgusting to you?”
“Goodness, no, nothing like that.”
“Is it Flynn?” An awful thought occurred to me. Had she been imagining Flynn when I kissed her?
“No, I told you the truth about Flynn. Those feelings were nothing but a silly girl with fanciful ideas.”
I sighed with relief. “I could stand everything but that.”
“You’ve nothing to worry about when it comes to your brother. I only thought I was in love because I knew he didn’t want me. I could stay protected that way.”
“Protected?” I couldn’t follow what she was saying. Was this the way it always was with women? As if men and women spoke two different languages?
She rattled out a response without taking a breath between sentences. “I don’t know if I can ever love a man. Before I was taken in by the Linds, something happened to me. Something that might repel you. A man…”
“A man?”
“I was only nine when it happened. I’m not sure I could ever be a proper wife because of it.”
My stomach hollowed as I realized what she was sayi
ng. She’d been raped. An innocent child and a man? Good God. Afraid I was going to be sick, I pressed my fingers to my mouth. “Have you ever told anyone?”
“No,” she whispered. “I’m too ashamed.”
“Who? Who did this?”
“I don’t know who he was,” Louisa said.
“It was not your fault.” I burned with rage. How could anyone do that to a child? Or a woman, for that matter.
She covered her face with her hands and spoke through her fingers. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. Will you be able to even look at me now without seeing how soiled I am?”
“You’re not soiled. You were an innocent child. Nothing could make me see you differently.”
She took her hands from her face to look at me. “Do you see, though? Why I shun marriage? Why I’ve kept away from you?”
“From me specifically?”
“I couldn’t let myself get too close to you. I couldn’t write to you when you asked because you’re the one I could fall for. If I fell and let you fall, too, then I might ruin your life.”
“That’s impossible. You can’t ruin my life. If you were with me, I’d be the happiest man on earth.”
“You’re so good, Theo. You deserve the very best woman. One who can love you like a wife should. I don’t know if I can.”
I cupped her face in my hands. Above, in the inky sky, a star twinkled down at me. “Nothing could dissuade me from you. Not if you wanted me. I’d take you just as you are—just as you would have to take me. We have wounds, Louisa, but together we could heal.”
“I want to. So very much.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes. More than anyone.”
“Then I will go to the ends of the earth and back to make you feel safe and loved. If you’ll let me try, I might be able to love away all the demons.” I kissed her again, this time without the abandon that had come over us in the barn but with tenderness. Her mouth was warm and soft and yielding. I flooded with hope that intermixed with the love I felt for her. How had I ever thought I could love anyone but Louisa? I’d never stopped, and I suspected I never would.
After our kiss, she placed a finger through one of the curls that fell over my forehead. “I’ll do my very best.”
“That’s all I ask.”