Second Chance

Tears leak down her cheeks and she wipes them away angrily. Like she’s ashamed to have them show. “I don’t know what to say; I don’t know what I need.” She shakes her head chaotically and I pray she just gives me something I can work with. A single thread to hold onto.

“Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“What if it’s just too late?” she asks me, not quite a question and more of an accusation. One well earned on my part.

“It’s not,” I tell her with complete sincerity. I can’t turn back time, but it can’t be too late. Every moment I have to live is a moment I can try to make it right. I just don’t know how.

“What happens after filming is over?” she asks me. “That’s a question,” she says like she has me cornered. I could play dumb and avoid the conversation, or bring up the fact that we’ll both be asked back next year so long as the ratings are what they should be. But I know what she’s referring to and I don’t have an answer for her.

“I don’t know, Hally.” I’m slow with my words, careful. My head is spinning and I don’t know what she wants to hear.

“I need something, Nathan.” My mouth hangs open a moment and then I slam it shut.

I almost ask her what she wants, because I’d give it to her, whatever it is. But she doesn’t give me the chance.

“I loved you,” she says with pain as if it’s a sin to say the words.

Loved. As in past tense.

My blood goes cold and I wait for whatever she’s going to say next. How she’ll throw it in my face that I never loved her back. I know it’s coming. I’ll take it. I swallow the lump in my throat, staring back at her and waiting for the assault.

She can berate me, hate me, blame me—whatever she needs, so long as she doesn’t leave.

As if she’s heard my thoughts, as if knowing what would hurt me most, she pulls herself together enough to look me in the eyes.

“I have to go,” Hally utters hurriedly, stepping around me and my first instinct is to cage her in. One palm against the wall and her chest to mine, I do it.

“Don’t,” I tell her, gritting my teeth and forcing the word out. She looks me in the eyes and moves under my arm. My body’s frozen in place. I can’t keep her here. I can’t hold her against her will.

“Don’t leave, Hally,” I tell her with as much strength as I can manage.

“I need time to think about it all. I just can’t-” she starts to say and then Hally pushes past me. As I try to grab her hand, she rips herself away from me.

She doesn’t finish her thought; she doesn’t say goodbye. She just leaves me alone and it’s the worst feeling in the world.

It’s the feeling that I shouldn’t go after her.

The feeling that I never deserved her.

The feeling that she’s not going to come back.

“She will,” I mutter beneath my breath. She’s just scared. But she’ll come back. Or I’ll go get her. One way or the other, I’m not letting her get away from me again.

Chapter 20

Harlow

* * *

“Once more!” Stevens yells out and I look back at him, my eyes stinging from a night of letting it all out. Today’s the last day of shooting and thank God I only need to walk and look into a window while another actor, a side character, counts the cash.

It’s a simple task, but Stevens keeps recording. Repeatedly. Unceasingly. He’s been a pain in my ass this last week. Maybe that’s one more thing that’s been picking at me. It’s like he can see it too. Maybe it’s written on my face. Maybe they can all hear what I’m screaming inside my head.

I knew I had to end it before we even got back to his dressing room. Article after article couldn’t have convinced me. It hurt to read them, each one chipping away at my armor little by little. But that’s not what did me in.

He could never say it back to me. I love you.

Not then, and not now.

It’s because he doesn’t really love me. I’m foolish to think he does. You don’t throw someone away if you truly care about them. Not when they’re hurting and so thoroughly destroyed.

I didn’t know what a fucking mess I was until I saw that look in my eyes in that picture. It’s brutal to have the truth plastered in front of your face. The fear and stupidity, really.

He makes me weak.

And I’m done with being anything less than the strong woman I’ve set out to be.

I wait for my cue, rocking on my heels as the click of the safe closing is followed by, “Action!”