For what reason had he caused such agony?
As the winds had rushed against Xcor, clearing his head and cooling his anger, he'd realized his actions sat uncomfortably within him. Unbearably.
As the slayers had arrived, he had outted his gun, prepared to defend the very male he had disposed of. But Throe had made a formidable first strike. . . and then the Brothers had come and acted as predicted, dispatching the lessers with ease, picking up Throe and putting him in the back of a black vehicle.
In that moment, Xcor had resolved not to follow the SUV. And the reason he so chose was an anathema as measured against his prior actions.
Throe would get treated with great competence back at the Brotherhood's lair.
Say what one would about how the fuckers preferred luxury, he knew they had access to superior medical care. They were the king's private guard; Wrath would not provide them with anything less. If he followed them, with the idea of infiltrating their compound? They might well discover him and fight him along the way, instead of get Throe to the help he needed.
Indeed, Xcor stayed away for the wrong reason, the bad reason, an unacceptable reason - in spite of all his training, he found himself choosing Throe's life over ambition: His anger had taken him in one direction, but his regret had led him in another. And the latter one was what won out.
The Bloodletter no doubt had turned in his grave.
Decision made, he had languished in the rubble of night and his intentions when gunfire had lit up the alley even before the vehicle Throe was in had had a chance to depart.
As he'd gathered his wits, there had been a brief lull. . . and then Tohrment, son of Hharm, had walked out into the center of the lane, eschewing cover, becoming a target to the newly arrived lessers even as
he discharged his firearms at them.
It was impossible not to respect that.
Xcor had been directly above the slayer who had commenced to fire back upon the Brother - and yet even as the enemy's bullets had been driven into the male, Tohrment continued to lead with both barrels, undeterred, unwavering.
One shot to the head and he would be done forever.
Motivated by something he had refused to name, Xcor had dropped to his belly, snaked over to the lip of the building, and extended his own gun, emptying his clip upon the lesser who was behind cover, putting to rest any possibility of the Brother's death. It had seemed like an appropriate reward for that manner of courage.
Then he had dematerialized out of the area and walked the streets of Caldwell for hours, the Bloodletter's teachings banging on his inner door, demanding to be let in so that they could extinguish the sense that what he had done to Throe had been wrong.
The regret had just intensified, however, festering under his skin, redefining his relationship with his soldier. . . as well as the male he had once called Father.
The conception that he might not be cut from the same cloth as the Bloodletter had rankled. Especially given that he had set himself and his bastards on a collision course with the Blind King - and execution of that plan was going to require the kind of strength that came only from the compassionless.
In fact, it was too late to back out of that course now, even if he wanted to - which he did not. He still intended to take down Wrath - for the simple reason that the throne was for the taking, no matter what the Old Laws or blind tradition dictated.
But when it came to his soldiers, and his second in command. . .
Refocusing upon his forearms, habit and a blind search for himself had him once again applying his blade unto his flesh, dragging the point up against its cutting side so that the damage was ragged, unclean, and properly painful.
It was getting increasingly difficult to find fresh skin.
Hissing through his clenched teeth, he prayed for the pain to reach his core. He needed it to burrow through his emotions in the way the Bloodletter's remembered voice had never failed to, strengthening him, giving him a clear mind and a cold heart.
It was not working, however. The pain just redoubled in his heart, amplifying the betrayal he had wrought upon a good male with a good soul who had served so very well.
Slick with his own blood, swimming in his own torture, he reapplied the blade again and again, waiting for the old, familiar clarity to come. . . .
And when it did not, he found himself arriving at the realization that, if he ever got the chance, he would set Throe free, finally and forevermore.
Chapter Thirty
As Tohr lay in his bed alone, he was aware of nothing except the heartbeat in his cock. Well, that and the smell of fresh-cut flowers from Fritz doing his midday vase routine out in the hall.
"Is this what you want from me, angel?" he asked aloud. "Come on, I know you're here. Is this what you want?"
To emphasize the question, he put his hand under the covers and let it drift down his chest and his belly until it got to the front of his hips. As he gripped himself, he couldn't suppress the racking arch that rocked his spine or the groan that rose in his throat.