“I wouldn't turn it down.”
I told him to make himself comfortable and went back to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee. My stomach growled. When had I last eaten?
I stuck my head out from behind the kitchen door. “Are you hungry? I've not had dinner.”
“Famished,” Li said.
I quickly put together butter-and-ham sandwiches using some of my brother's bread. By the time I had those ready, the coffee had percolated. Li joined me at the kitchen table. We ate in silence for a few minutes before Li looked over at me. “I don't suppose you're scared at all?”
“Me? Sure I am.”
His dark eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I'd have not thought that possible.”
“Why would you say that?”
He shrugged. “I don't know. You're so big.”
I chuckled and picked up my sandwich for the last few bites. “I don't think size has anything to do with it. In fact, the more you love someone, the more scared you are. I'm more scared tonight than I would have been just a year ago. I have so much to live for. Cymbeline. Our life I hope to build together. The more love we feel, the more it makes us want to live.”
“Yes, I suppose that's true.” He looked down at his plate. A crease between his eyebrows told me something troubled him.
“It's all right to be scared,” I said. “Doesn't mean you're a coward. That's only if you ran away.”
“It's not that.” He lifted his gaze. “I love someone too. A woman I shall never be allowed to have.”
Taken aback, I pushed aside my plate to gather my thoughts. Who did he love? Why couldn't he have her? “Does she not love you?”
“I’m unsure. I’ve no experience with women. We have deep respect for each other and are great friends.”
“Well, then, all is not lost. I won Cym over, and she didn’t even like me.”
He narrowed his eyes, seeming to take me in for a moment before speaking. “It's not because of that. I cannot have her because of this.” He pointed to his eyes and then brushed a finger over his hand.
I stared at him, blank for a moment, unable to understand his meaning.
“I am Chinese,” Li said.
“You're American. As American as I. Our parents came here to give us that privilege.”
“You look like everyone else here,” Li said. “I do not.”
The hairs on my arms stood up as I realized what he meant. I did not think about our differences because I looked like most everyone else in town and could afford blissful ignorance. Other than the Coles, who had moved away just a few months ago, Li and his family were the only ones in Emerson Pass who were not of European descent. “I see.” Perhaps the Coles had moved away so that they would feel less alone?
“When I was in Chicago, I wanted to play in the symphony, but it was impossible. I came back to Emerson Pass because I'm accepted here, even if my differences make me unable to live as I'd like to. You're not the only one, Viktor, who loves a woman. The difference between you and I? You are free to spend years wooing Cymbeline Barnes and winning her heart. I cannot.”
“Who is it you love?” Even as I asked the question, I knew. He and Fiona were surely as close as two people could be, making music together the way they did. Was it more than friendship? Two souls who were connected by music might be connected in other ways as well.
“You do not know how she feels?” I asked.
“I know only how she looks at me. The way her eyes—” He stopped for a moment, seeming to search for the right word. “They turn soft, almost dreamy, when she looks at me and thinks I don't see her.”
“That should tell you what you need to know.”
“If only it were that simple,” Li said.
I drank the last of my coffee before I spoke. “The affliction of the Barnes sisters. Not for the faint of heart.”
“Yes.” The corners of his mouth twitched into a sad smile.
“Fiona doesn’t care about convention. As different as she and Cym are, they share that quality.”
His eyes flickered with something akin to hope before dulling once more. “Her father rescued us from starvation. Did you know that?”
I shook my head. “No, I thought your grandmother had always worked for them.” I'd never thought much about it either way. Li and Fai had been part of our group since their first days at school. For better or worse, it had never occurred to me that they might feel different from the rest of us.
“Do you think Lord Barnes would forbid Fiona to marry you?”
“What else could he do? He's from a bloodline of English noblemen. Fiona could not marry a man from China.”
“Again, you're an American. Perhaps Lord Barnes won't think that at all. You won't know unless you ask him.”
“Fiona would have to love me first,” Li said. “What if I'm reading her eyes all wrong?”
“She's only just turned eighteen. Perhaps time will tell?”
“Yes, perhaps.” He got up, scooping both our plates from the table and putting them in the sink.
“We should go,” I said. “I'll take care of the dishes later.”
He turned away from the sink to look at me. “Please, keep this between us. I regret telling you.”
“Your secret's safe with me.”
“Especially don't tell Cymbeline,” Li said. “She frightens me.”
I laughed. “She's not as scary as she seems, but I understand. You want to tell Fiona yourself first.”
“That's correct. Thank you.”
“You're welcome. I'm always here if you want to talk.”
He thanked me again before we went back to my sitting room to put our coats and hats back on. My stomach churned with nerves. Comforted only by the thought that Cymbeline would not be there, I held the door open for Li before heading out to the car.