Later,after the boys were tucked into bed and fast asleep, Papa asked us to come sit. Gabriella had disappeared into her room. Lucky girl. I’d have liked to have escaped to mine as well.
“This is quite an entanglement you’ve come to us with,” Mama said. “Mired in complications.”
“Legal and otherwise,” Papa said.
“Darling, why don’t you tell us what you’re thinking,” Mama said to me. “Other than bringing them home with us, what is your plan? And Li, I’d like to hear from you as well.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Li said.
“Bringing them home here was my idea,” I said. “As is bringing them back to Colorado with us. Li’s only gone along with it because I forced him to.”
“Is that true?” Mama asked Li.
“While it wouldn’t have occurred to me to pluck the boys from their precarious situation,” Li said, “I’ve not been a prisoner to Fiona’s whims. She and I have partnered in all of this together. We’re both fond of the boys. In fact, I can’t imagine leaving here without them. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I feel rather fatherly about them.”
Papa crossed one leg over the other. “I see.”
“Papa, what made you bring Fai, Li, and Mrs. Wu home?” I asked. “Surely it was the same instinct?”
Papa made eye contact with Mama in a way that made me think she’d brought up this very argument while speaking of the matter. I didn’t know if this was good or bad. I held my breath, waiting for the answer.
“Yes, this is a similar thing you’ve done.” Papa smiled kindly at me. “Which I guess means I have only myself to blame.”
“Only there is no Mrs. Wu,” Mama said. “No one to be their mother, even though they’re under our care.”
“I’ll take care of them,” I blurted out. “I’ve got my trust money. I can build a little house on our property. With the funds I get for performing, I can make a nice living for us. They can go to school and grow up with the rest of the kids in Emerson Pass, just as we did.”
Papa took a long look at me. Embarrassed, I shifted my gaze to my lap. I’d acted impulsively and dragged all three of them into this ridiculous scheme of mine. But the boys, I reminded myself. I mustn’t forget why I’d done this. “They have no one but me.”
“You’re prepared to come home and become their mother?” Mama asked. “Do you understand the freedom you’d be giving up? There will be no more nights playing at the club with Li.”
I didn’t want to be impertinent, but I had to make my argument. “Gabriella will come with me and help me with cooking and cleaning. She can stay with them at night.”
“I suppose she could,” Mama said, conceding. “There’s no reason why that couldn’t work quite nicely.”
“What about you, Li?” Papa asked. “What are you prepared to give up to take on this fatherly role?”
“Me, sir?” Li looked back at him with eyes like an animal hoping to remain still enough not to be seen.
Papa’s expression darkened. His usual laughing eyes deepened in hue as he continued to look at Li. “Tell me something—both of you.” His voice had deepened in a way that sent a shiver up my spine.
“Yes, Papa?”
“While you've been playing house here, has it not occurred to you that these boys would be better off having a father and mother?” In all my life, Papa had never raised his voice to me or said a cross word. This is what it was like to be in trouble, I thought. I would have to tell Cym and Flynn I finally understood.
“It’s occurred to me,” I said. “But I have only myself to offer them.” Nervousness made my underarms prickle with heat. How could they think I would be that much of a nitwit? “However, respectfully, Papa, I am better than nothing at all. Even alone, I am better than the boys living on the streets of Paris.”
“If I could work it out with the authorities for us to take them home,” Papa said, “and that’s a big if—we’re asking them to give two young boys to a twenty-year-old-girl—is this what you truly want?”
I looked into his eyes. They were not angry or unkind, merely inquisitive. “Papa, as I said in my letter, this might be the most important thing I ever do. What better could I do with my life than take care of two little boys who have no one?”
“What about your future? Your music?” Mama asked. “You’ll have to give up so much. Children change everything. All your choices will be made for you because it will only be about what’s best for the children. You might never have another good night’s sleep for worrying about one or the other of them.”
“Yes, I’m young, but Mama, you weren’t much older when you married Papa.” I cringed at the squeaky tone in my voice.
“This is true.” Mama’s brow knit as she appeared to think through what I said. “What if you meet a young man and fall in love? Are you willing to give up a future with him for these boys?”
“If they wished to be with me and didn’t understand why I had to do this, then they are not the man for me.” My voice cracked. Tears flooded my eyes. The man I wanted was sitting next to me, and yet I could do nothing to change his mind.
Next to me, Li shifted, as if his pants were suddenly uncomfortable. He handed me a handkerchief, which I used while holding my breath. The last thing I needed was to smell his scent. The smell of the man who had held my happiness in his hand. He’d crushed me. Were these boys a substitute for the love I felt for him? Love that would never be returned. What have I done? I thought. I’ve messed with everyone’s lives now. The boys would not survive if they were rejected by us. Not after the safety and comfort we’d provided them the last few weeks. I stifled a sob by pressing the handkerchief to my mouth. They’d learned so many English words and phrases. Was it all for naught?
“You said you didn’t regret your decision,” I said to Mama. “Didn’t you?”
“I did and I do not,” Mama said. “However, I’m only pointing out the ways in which this will alter your life.”
“What about you, Papa? Was raising five children all on your own overwhelming? Were you sorry you had us?”
“Darling, you and your sisters and brothers are my whole life.” Papa placed his hand on Mama’s knee. “As is this woman right here. Nothing else matters as much to me. Which is why it’s hard for us to imagine you giving up all your freedom when you’re so young. That said, if it’s what you want, then we will help you. You’ll have all of us. Barneses stick together. We always have and always will.”
I glanced back up at Papa. He was staring at Li, as if he were a stranger instead of the boy he brought home all those years ago.
“Li, you’ve been quiet,” Papa said.
“Yes, sir?” Li asked, raising his gaze.
“Why did you come all the way over here?” Papa asked.