The Musician (Emerson Pass Historicals 5)

Li glanced at me. “Fiona needed someone here to keep her safe from Basset. When I realized what he was like, I decided to come look after her.”

“Yes, I understand. You came all the way here because you thought Fiona needed you. But why did you do that? Simply because of friendship? Or a trip to Paris? Whatever the reasons, I want to hear them.”

Li cleared his throat and glanced nervously at me before answering. “I can deny Fiona nothing. Any little thing or big thing, I’ll do for her if she asks.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Papa muttered under his breath.

“That isn’t entirely true, is it?” Mama asked. “The one thing she truly wants from you—you’ve denied her that.”

“Wha-what do you mean?” Li asked, sounding a bit like a frog.

My hands numbed. It seemed as if I rose above the couch, no longer part of my body. Where was she going with this?

“I mean that Fiona has told you her feelings for you,” Mama said. “She’s in love with you. But you already know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Li had turned ghostly pale.

Bells crashed between my ears. What were they doing? How could they ask Li these things? Please, let the floor drop and me with it, I prayed silently.

“You stopped everything to come to her,” Papa said to Li. “Which is not the move of a man indifferent to a woman’s charms.” He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward slightly. “Is it?”

“No, sir?” Li asked.

“Is it truly a question to you?” Papa asked, his voice deep and threatening, as was his posture. He seemed ready to pounce. “After all this, you have the nerve to act the innocent?”

“I don’t follow.” Li’s voice shook.

I instinctively moved closer to him.

“Taking a coward’s way out,” Mama said softly. “It wasn’t the way you were raised. You didn’t learn it from your grandmother or anyone else in the household, either.”

“Coward?” Li seemed as if he too were going to burst into tears. I moved even closer to him, my instinct to protect him.

“Li has nothing to do with this,” I said. “This was all me. I’ve told you that.”

Papa shook his head. “Li has everything to do with this. You’ve come here on false pretenses, haven’t you, son? You’ve not been honest with Fiona.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, so shocked my tears had stopped.

I turned to look at Li. His eyes were downcast and the tips of his ears red. “You haven’t lied to me about anything. Tell them, Li.” I looked back at Mama. “He’s been nothing but good to me. A true friend. He came because Mr. Basset had scared me. I didn’t even have to ask him.”

Papa’s eyes sharpened. “We’ll talk about Basset and why you chose to keep that from everyone but Li in a minute. I’d like to stay focused on Li for now. Why don’t you tell Fiona how you truly feel about her?”

“What good would it do?” Li spat out the words, as if he’d stifled them for years. “It will only make it worse. My way is better. I’m protecting her. Do you think it hasn’t been at great sacrifice to myself? To my sleep? My well-being? I can’t sleep, can’t eat. Why aren’t you happy I’ve chosen what’s best for her? Why would you want me to burden her for the rest of her life? You know what we’d face. You’re a benevolent man, Lord Barnes. I know this better than anyone. But can you sit there and tell me you’d give your blessing to a marriage that will make your precious daughter miserable? Do you really want to watch as her soul slowly gets chipped away until she’s nothing but a bitter old woman who gave up everything to marry an outcast?”

My heart beat so fast I thought it might explode from my chest. Dare I hope that he loved me? Was James right? He’d denied his love because of a misguided attempt to protect me?

“I know my daughter,” Papa said. “And her love will be enough to guard her from the sharpest of blades. She’s a Barnes. Perhaps, even, the toughest and strongest of all my children. She may look like only a pink rosebud, but she has the strong, deep roots of the entire bush. Her strength is like those roots, capable of breaking through rock and clay to find water. If you do not understand that, perhaps I’m wrong about you. Perhaps you don’t love her as I believe you do. Maybe you don’t deserve her as I’ve thought you did.”

“There’s no need to be angry with him because he believes a marriage would put me in harm’s way.” I spoke through tears, barely able to get the words out. How could they be so cruel? So threatening? Li didn’t deserve this.

“We’re not angry with him, darling,” Mama said. “We simply want him to know that we support you both. If he were brave enough to claim you for his own, that is.”

I tilted my head to look at him while tugging on both ends of the handkerchief so hard I thought the fine material might pull apart. “Are they right?” I whispered to him.

Tears dampened Li’s eyes. He shifted to face me. “For God’s sake, why else would I come halfway across the world after getting your letter? I do love you. Enough that setting you free has felt like the only option.” He turned back to Papa. “Lord Barnes, if anything were to happen to her because of me, I would not be able to live with myself. All I want is for her to be safe and happy. This is how I actively love her.”

“You must trust and respect her enough to let her choose for herself whether the risk is worth it,” Papa said.

“I choose you,” I said softly. “You know that.”

“How could a man spend any time at all with you and not fall madly and hopelessly in love? All those years when we were younger, you were just a kid, my musical partner but nothing else. Then, something happened. You grew up and suddenly I saw you in a whole different way. You’re everything to me. Everything.” He lifted his gaze toward my father. “But what are you doing? How could you give your precious daughter to the likes of me?” He swiped at the tears spilling from his eyes, obviously embarrassed to break down in front of us all.

Papa’s eyes misted. “Your selfless love is more than I could wish for any of my children. This is one of the reasons I know she will be well taken care of by you. And she will take good care of you. I have every faith in you. Both of you. If you truly love each other—you’ll make compromises and work through hardships together. Will it be perfect? No. Nothing ever is.”

A strange sense of calm came over me. Li loved me. He actually loved me. I wanted to dance like Cymbeline, kicking my legs and shaking my hips. He’d been torturing himself all this time, thinking it was best for me. “Li, I’m strong enough to withstand anything, as long as you’re with me.”

“I’m afraid,” Li said. “Afraid of letting you go, afraid of keeping you close.”

“You’re not the first person to be afraid of love,” Mama said. “Loving someone opens you to pain and loss, but what’s the alternative? Watching Fiona make a life with someone else when you know it’s you she wants?”

Papa stood and held out his hand to help Mama to her feet. “We’ll leave the two of you and go back to our inn. We’ll come by in the morning to figure out how in the world we’re going to get those boys home with us.”

I stood and hurled myself into Papa’s arms. “Thank you.”

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered in my ear.

I laid my cheek next to the rough material of his summer jacket. “I thought you’d be angry with me.”

He stepped back to look me in the eyes. “How could I be when you’re only behaving as I’ve taught you?”

“Do you mean who I love or that I’ve brought two little strangers into my home?” I asked softly.

“Both. I’ve realized of late that you’re the most like me of all my children. Cym and Flynn take after me—with their desire for adventure and natural leanings toward rebellion, especially those set by society. But I can see that your heart is like mine in many ways.” With that, he turned to Mama and offered his arm. “Shall we, my lady?”

Mama giggled as a flush crept up her neck. “That’s what they called me at the Barnes estate. I quite like it.” She grinned cheekily. She had my father by her side. He was enough. They could speak of love with authority, for they lived in the middle of it every day. All the compromises and grace they made for each other, day in and day out, were the recipe for a happy marriage.