"Of course not."
And Ritchie's my savior. He might be a dole bludger and a gambler and have the shonkiest tattoo in the world on his arm, but he'll agree to almost anything. In his typically affable way, he says, "Why not, Ed. I'll go to church with you." He then adds, "For a laugh, right?"
"Sure," I say.
Then Audrey. "Okay, Ed."
Now to Marv, who knows he's in a delicate situation. He doesn't want to go, but he knows that if he refuses he'll look like a proper bastard. He finally lets the air out of his lungs and says, "God, I can't believe it. I'll come, Ed." He laughs, unhappily. "Church on Sunday." Shaking his head. "Christ."
I pick up my cards. "Exactly."
Later that night, the phone's ringing again. I don't let it intimidate me.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Ed."
It's Ma. I breathe a sigh of relief and get prepared for the barrage. I haven't heard from her for a while, so she must have at least a fortnight to a month's worth of abuse to level at me.
"How you going, Ma?"
"You rung Kath yet? It's her birthday."
Kath, my sister.
"Oh shit."
"Oh shit's right, Ed. Now get your arse into gear and ring her."
"Right, I'll--"
The phone line's dead.
No one can murder a phone call like my mother.
The only mistake I made was not thinking quickly enough to ask Kath's phone number, just in case I can't find it. I've got a bad feeling I've lost it, which proves to be true once I've scoured every drawer and every crack in the kitchen. It's nowhere, and she isn't in the book.
Oh no.
You've guessed right.
The dreaded return phone call to Ma.
I dial.
"Hello?"
"Ma, it's me."
"What is it now, Ed?" Her sigh tells me how fed up she is.
"What's her number?"
I'm sure you can imagine.
Sunday shows up, quicker than I thought.
We sit near the back of the church.