I Am the Messenger

Only when I'm taking a man to the airport do I get the idea. We're nearly there when he says, "Hey, mate, I've actually got a bit of time up my sleeve--could you just drop us off at this pub up here?"

I look in the rearview and realize.

"That's it!" I tell him.

"Just one beer in a real pub," he says. "I can't stand those airport lounges."

I pull over and let him out.

"Fancy one yourself?" he asks. "On me."

"No," I say. "I've got another quick pickup--but I can come and get you in about half an hour if you like."

"Certainly." He's quite happy with himself.

Quite frankly, so am I, because what I'm about to tell you is a fact.

In this country, there is only one thing that can draw a crowd without any shadow of a doubt. The answer?

Beer.

Free beer.

I go to the father, almost bursting through his front door, telling him we can organize something big for the upcoming Sunday. I tell him all about the idea. "Free beer, things for the kids, food. Did I mention the free beer?"

"Yes, Ed, I believe you did."

"Well? What do you think?"

He sits down calmly and considers it. "It sounds great, Ed, but you're forgetting one thing."

I can't be dampened today. "What?"

"We'll need money for all of that."

"I thought the Catholic Church was loaded--all that gold and shit in those big cathedrals...."

He laughs a moment. "Did you see any gold in my church, Edward?"

Edward?

I think the father's the only person I'd ever allow to call me that. I'm even simply Ed on my birth certificate.

I continue. "You sure you haven't got any money lying around?"

"Well, not really, Ed. I've put it all into single teenage mothers' funds, alcoholics, the homeless, addicts, and my holiday to Fiji."

I assume he's joking about the Fijian holiday.

"Well, okay then," I say, "I'll raise the money myself. I've got a little stacked away. I'll put five hundred up."

"Five hundred? That's a lot, Ed. You don't seem the type to have a lot of money."

I walk fast and backward out his front door. "Don't worry about a thing, Father." I even laugh now myself. "Just have a little faith."

Now, I must say.

It really helps to have immature friends at a time like this. You get ideas on how to spread the word very quickly about something you want done. You don't bother with posters. You don't bother with an ad in the local paper. You realize there's only one real answer. Something to burn into every mind in town....