But no, I cannot think about it. And I cannot write about it. All I can seem to think of is the First Sign.
I felt it when Sark gathered me into his arms. It was a tingling that started in my abdomen and then rushed through my whole body like wildfire. In fact, that is what Nana called it—“The Rush.”
She told me that I wouldn’t feel it until I was safe in the arms of a man who cared for me—a man who was willing to die for me. It seems clear to me now that the man in question could never be my husband. Baslik is cruel and harsh and I have never felt safe or cared for in his arms—not even on our wedding day. Since then, he has only made me fear and loathe him—of course I never felt The Rush with him.
But nor did I expect to feel it with my new guard, whom I have barely known more than a day! And yet, it seems far longer. After the assassination attempt, he held me close and whispered that I was safe, that he would never let anyone hurt me. I begged him not to leave me or let anyone take me from him and he promised he would not.
I have never felt so protected and cared for—not since I was a very little girl.
All the time Sark held me, I kept feeling The Rush tingling through my body. It caused the parts of me I thought were dead to waken—the parts that Baslik especially loved to torture. How often have I wished to lose all feeling in those areas of my body? Yet now they are alive and tingling and all I can think of is my new guard’s arms around me and the warm, spicy scent of his skin.
He smells like a forest at night—like some dark and secret spice—and somehow utterly and completely like a man. I cannot explain it any better than that. But it felt so good to be held by him—to feel safe in his arms and know that he wouldn’t let anyone or anything get to me or hurt me.
I really must stop thinking this way—I am a married woman. My body should not be tingling for a man other than my husband. Yet, I cannot seem to help myself. Every time I close my eyes, I see Sark and feel his arms around me again.
Earlier I wrote in these same pages that I dreaded my nightly treatment at his hands. Now I find instead that I am looking forward to it. Is it wrong to hope that he will touch me in my forbidden areas? Wrong to wish to feel his caress on my breasts and between my thighs?
No, I really must not write such things. It is wrong—surely it is.
And yet, it was Baslik who hired Sark for just this purpose—to make me glow. And I cannot glow until I have had all three of the signs. The Rush is only the first.
I wonder if I may feel the Second Sign soon?
FIFTEEN
From the diary of Lady Isla, wife to Lord Baslik Le’rank of Telmar Two of the Orinthian System:
Last night I was questioning if I might feel more signs that I will soon begin to glow, which would mean I am ripe for breeding. (Though to be honest, the idea of being bred by Baslik turns my stomach.) Well, I did not feel either of the second two signs, but The Rush continues and I believe it may have led me into some rather rash behavior.
After I finished bathing yesterday, I went out into the sitting room, wrapped in a towel just as I had been the night before. I could still feel the tingling in my nipples and the forbidden place between my thighs. Sark was sitting in his armchair by the fire, perusing another one of my books. The padded table he had used for my treatment the night before was pushed into the corner.
He looked up when I came in and raised his eyebrows at me.
“Yes, my lady?” he asked.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. Without thinking, I dropped my towel again, just as I had the night before. But this time instead of fear I felt another emotion I can hardly describe, for I had never felt it before in all my life.
Part of it was the tingling from The Rush, but that wasn’t all. I felt a kind of aching and throbbing deep inside and a sensation like my skin was hypersensitive and the lightest touch might bring me pleasure.
As I said, this was a feeling I have never before experienced—certainly not with Baslik, whose cold, clammy fingers have always repulsed me, even before we were married and he became so cruel. But standing naked before the Kindred giant with my body bathed in the glow of the fire, I felt it and it was wonderful.