Now that I know he regrets our tryst, I can feel a hot blush of shame tainting my naked body as I scramble to locate my camisole before heading toward the door.
“Rowan… ” he calls out to my back, but my name isn’t an apology. It isn’t even a request to stay and talk.
“Need to pee,” I call out, closing the door behind me.
I stop in the main room of the cabin just long enough to throw on a new pair of panties and an oversized sweatshirt that I’m grateful for the second I get out onto the porch. The morning dew is heavy in the chill of morning.
There is no way I’m ready to deal with the fallout of our morning wake-up call after I finish peeing. Instead of heading back inside, I turn down the overgrown path, making my way through the forest toward the sound of the rushing river we’d visited the day before.
As soon as I emerge out of the shaded forest into the bright sunshine near the water, I feel a welcome shift in my mood. It’s as if the heat of the sun helps to burn away remnants of my nightmares. The fresh air fills my lungs, reminding me that I’m still very much alive. It’s a logical thought process to realize that the only thing standing between my life and the Luciano family’s revenge is Z.
It hurts to think that he regrets making love to me, especially when I think of how fucking awesome it had felt. Still, I know it’s a fraction of the pain I’d feel if something bad happens to him, especially while he’s protecting me.
Just be patient, Rowan.
Chapter Thirteen
Z
Squinting against the morning sun, I stare up into the sky and exhale.
Fuck it.
I’m so sick of always focusing on my duties. Always doing what I’ve been trained to do. I can’t even fuck a woman without my job getting in the way of that.
If I could turn back time, I would. Not because we fucked. No way would I want that to not have happened. But I would rewrite history on how I acted. I would rethink my words. I wouldn’t say what I’ve been groomed—practically programmed—to say. Rowan doesn’t deserve the robot. She deserves the real me, no matter how fucked up and messy that can be.
I’m fighting this for what reason?
We could be dead tomorrow, and should live for the moment. The now.
Seeing the tinge of pain in her eyes when I tried to shut down what happened between us was enough of a wakeup call for me to see that I’m acting the fool.
I find her down by the river easing herself into the chilly water. It’s going to be another warm day, but the air is still brisk. The shimmering water looks inviting, but the siren inside of it is even more so.
“I don’t want you to wash me off of you,” I say, stripping my clothes to join her in the river.
I was an ass. I know this. I’m purposely pushing Rowan away, and though I feel it may be the best for her, I can’t treat her like shit doing it. When this is all over… if this ends… I’ll deal with our harsh reality then. For now… I’m done hurting her. We can deal with pain later, pleasure now.
“Why not? You said it yourself. This was a mistake. I might as well wash my mistakes away.”
I sigh, pausing in the water before it reaches my balls. “If this were different. If we weren’t here. In danger. I’m here to protect you—”
“Enough with ‘this is a job bullshit,’” she cuts in. “I’m quite aware of the situation and what’s at risk.”
“Then you understand why I feel I need to keep it professional between us. I know how this will end. It will be you and me walking away from each other. So professional is best.”
She glances over her shoulder at me and smirks. “Too late. We crossed that line the minute we kissed, not to mention what we just did.” She lowers into the water even more. “And I don’t have a single regret, nor will I if we do have to part ways in the future. I’m focused on what I see in front of me.”
Her eyes are playful which allows me to breathe. The last thing I want is to hurt her, so at least seeing she isn’t out here licking wounds that don’t exist makes me feel better.
“It’s like you forget what I do for a living,” I say.
“I’m very aware of what you do.”
“A cleaner and a socialite…” I shake my head with a chuckle. “Do you not see the absurdity in that?”
“What I see is a sexy as fuck man who is naked in front of me. I see a man who is protective. A man who is risking his life for me. I see a man who is making me feel safe.”