“Did they tell you that you weren’t allowed to do certain things?” Rachel asks.
“No, it wasn’t like that, but living there was always supposed to be temporary. They were just giving me a place to stay while I searched for an apartment. They were ridiculous to make a big deal about me leaving.”
“Was it just because they didn’t want you to leave?” Jade asks.
I get up and start collecting plates. “I don’t know. You know I don’t do relationships. I told them that too.”
My friend is watching me, not saying anything, and I’m compelled to fill the silence. “I don’t get involved, because men are always bad news. Look at all of the losers our mother’s been with,” I say, looking at Rachel. “And I hate to say it, but look at Justin. Sure, men have their good sides, but they’re always trying to control you. Setting out rules and wanting you to toe the line. I don’t need that.”
“Is that what your men were doing?” Jade asks, following me into the kitchen. “Laying down rules and whatnot?”
“Well … no, but —”
“I actually wish Justin had ever seemed to care enough to be protective of me, or tell me he wanted me around. Sometimes I felt like I was in his way.”
I give her a sympathetic look. “I was just getting to know these guys,” I say. “If I were to spend more time with them, they’d probably get that way too.”
Rachel speaks up from the dining table. “What about grandpa? He was with grandma through sickness and health. Waited on her hand and foot until she died, and never said a mean word that I ever heard.”
“Speaking of devoted men,” Jade says, “you should see my new boss Maddy’s partners. There are four of them, and they’re like devoted puppies around her, if puppies were six feet tall with endless muscles. And they’ve been together a couple of years, I think. They have kids together.”
“I’ve heard about them,” I say. “The guys who own Harding’s Garage?”
Jade nods. “My gosh, they are so good looking, too.”
I’m reminded then of the bartender Christine’s men, and Tom, the other bartender, gets a special look in his eyes whenever someone asks about his longtime wife.
I start washing up our plates, and Jade stands next to me with a towel in hand, ready to dry. “I know I’m in no position to be steering you toward a relationship, especially today, but have you ever thought about what you’re afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid of anything.” The reply comes out without any forethought, and as soon as I say it, I know it’s not true. “I just see things, and I want to avoid all of that hassle in my life. I like to keep things simple and uncomplicated.”
Jade takes a dish that I hand her. “Are you saying that you don’t think it’s possible for anyone to have a happy relationship with a significant other? One that might not be perfect, but that brings much more good into their life than bad?”
“No … I’m not saying that.” I scrub hard at an invisible spot on a dish.
“But you don’t think it’s possible for you?”
I hand her the rinsed dish and start on another, feeling more called out than I ever have before. Jade lets me process my thoughts without pushing me for an answer, and I appreciate it. Eventually, I say, “I’ve had the shittiest of examples, Jade. My mother is defined by whatever man she’s with at the moment. They’re the sun and the moon for her; she does whatever they tell her to do, they treat her like crap, and then they’re gone.
“She always puts them before us. She calls me a little slut and she locked Rachel in her bedroom, because all she cares about is whatever asshole she’s with at the moment.”
“Oh, Becca.” The evening started out with me comforting Jade, and now she’s the one rubbing my back, telling me that everything will be okay.
“Not all men are like the ones your mother finds, and you are never going to be like her. Not ever. But I think you might be overcompensating. By trying so hard to avoid her mistakes, you’re hurting yourself in the process.”
I get back to the dishes, still thinking, and Jade gives me the time to think about what she’s said. When we’re almost done with the stack, she says, “There really are good men out there. I don’t know your four, but I could see they made you happy.”
I turn to look for Rachel, to make sure she’s not nearby. “We had a lot of great sex,” I tell Jade. “A lot.”
She smiles. “And do you think there could be more than that? More than just sex?”
For me, there definitely could be. I have to be honest about that. I miss them terribly, and it’s not just the sex. I miss joking with them, playing games, spending time with them, and I miss just simply being in their presence. I haven’t felt right since I left them.