Four Fun (Four)

“Maybe,” I say. I have no idea how they feel. Sure, they didn’t want me to leave, but it could be all about sex for them. They may love the fact that I’m the type of girl who doesn’t want a relationship or commitment.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” Jade asks. “Do you think that if you went to their house again, they’d lock you up and never let you leave?”

“No,” I say, laughing, though as I think about it, her worst-case scenario doesn’t sound bad at all. They’ve already tied me up, and I liked it a lot.

55

A big scary thing

That night, I insist on Jade taking my bed. It’s not big enough for us to share, but I’m fine on the couch. I’m afraid I’ll be tossing and turning all night anyway.

There’s an ember of hope glowing in my chest, but the path forward hardly seems clear cut. Even if the men want to explore a relationship with me — and that’s a big if — there’s still the issue of how my presence creates stress among them, and how they fight over issues related to me.

I feel like they bring out the best in me, but I’m afraid I bring out the worst in them.

The more I lie here and think about them, the more I’m convinced that they’re good men. I don’t believe they would ever intentionally hurt me, and I’m smiling up at the ceiling, remembering how Shane seemed to be falling all over himself not to be even remotely bossy during their recent visits to Rusty’s. Is that a sign that he’s trying to do what he thinks will make me happy?

I have the strong impression that Shane would like something more with me, but what about the others? Shane seemed fine sharing me with his friends for sex, but what if I wanted a deeper emotional connection with each of them?

Ugh. Just the words make me cringe. What do I know about deep emotional connections?

If I pursue this, I’m definitely going to be setting out into uncharted territory, exploring parts of my heart that I’m not even sure exist.

Whatever might happen between us — if anything — I don’t want to harm their friendships with each other. I’m hopeful that if I’m no longer fighting my feelings and trying to run away, then I won’t cause issues between them.

Amid all of these confused thoughts, I eventually fall asleep.

When Jade is done at the bakery the next day, she and I go over to Justin’s to collect her stuff while he’s still at work. Luckily for him, it doesn’t look like he’s thrown anything else of hers away, because I’d have a hard time keeping myself from retaliating. We pack her belongings quickly — which is easy since he kept her restricted to certain areas of his house — and load her car with boxes.

On the ride home, she’s in remarkably good spirits. Prior to the breakup, she’d been hoping to get engaged to Justin soon, so I won’t be surprised if this big life change hits her hard in a couple of days. When it does, I’ll be ready with wine, chocolate, ice cream, sad movies, or whatever else she might need to help her through it, and I know she’ll come out better on the other side.

“So … I’m thinking of doing a big scary thing,” I tell her when we’re almost back to the apartment.

She glances over before returning her eyes to the road. “What’s that?”

“I’m thinking of letting myself be vulnerable.”

“That is big and scary,” she says, but she’s smiling as she says it.

As we carry in her boxes and unpack her things, I tell her my plans. Jade likes my ideas, and adds a few suggestions of her own.

I do some research and make a shopping list, but once I’m done with the busywork, I’m left to focus on all of the nervous feelings in my stomach.

On my next day off, I drive by Rusty’s around lunchtime. My heart starts pounding when I get out of the car, and it beats double time as soon as I see Khalil and Marcos. They’re talking to a couple of guys I don’t recognize, but when they see me approach, they end their conversation and walk over.

“Becca, everything okay?” Khalil asks, an edge of concern in his voice.

“Everything’s fine. How are you both?”

“We’re good,” Khalil says as Marcos nods. “What’s up?”

“Are Devin and Shane here too?”

Khalil nods. “They’re inside,” he says, gesturing to the building. “Want me to get them?”

“No, that’s okay. I would like to talk to all of you, though. I was wondering if I could come over this evening. I’m not working.”

Khalil’s brows lift in surprise. Marcos is quiet as usual, but watching me closely. “Sure,” Khalil says. “We should be home around our usual time.”