Four Fun (Four)

Khalil nods, and I feel the invisible elephant grow larger.

Shane begins clearing plates, even though I tell him I’ll get them. While he’s doing that, I get out dessert dishes, and when the table’s clean, I bring out the cake, which receives a lot of praise as I set it down.

Eyeing the confection — a tall, pink-frosted cake drizzled with chocolate sauce and artfully decorated with chocolate-covered strawberries — Khalil says, “I’m starting to think you might have come over to ask a favor, Becca. Are you trying to bribe us with all of this amazing food?”

“No … not exactly.”

All four men eye me with curiosity as I cut the cake. I take a deep breath. The time has come.

57

Falling for you

As I portion slices onto plates and pass them around, I say, “I came here to say that I’m sorry for overreacting when I moved out. I know you were just trying to be helpful, and —”

“No,” Shane says firmly, interrupting. “You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I’m sorry for telling you what to do. I was worried about you, and I’m the one who overreacted.”

“I regret things that I said, too,” Marcos offers.

“We’re all sorry about how that all went down,” Khalil adds. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“I could have handled it better,” I say. “I guess we all could have, but I was worried about my sister, and staying here wasn’t an option.”

“You could’ve stayed here,” Shane says, but his tone is gentle, not argumentative.

“Anyway,” I say, after taking a sip of water, “I’m not here because I want anything from you. I’m here because I want you. I’m miserable being away from you. I miss you like crazy.”

I must be pretty good at hiding my feelings, because the men look shocked at my admission.

“I know I went off on you, but I have a fear of relationships. I’m sure that’s no surprise —” I glance at Shane here “— and I’m very sensitive about men trying to control me, because I’ve seen men bossing my mother around for years.”

“Makes sense,” Devin murmurs.

“When you see a lot of bad shit, you expect more of it,” Shane says, and I remember him telling me about his brother’s drug issues.

“But you’ve changed me,” I say. “My one-night-only rule was never a problem until I met all of you. For some reason, I can’t get enough of you. I think about you all the time. I never used to like cuddling, and now I have the hardest time falling asleep because I’m not in your arms.”

Khalil, who’s sitting closest, reaches over and presses his hand to my back. No one’s touched their cake.

After a long moment of silence, where I’d almost start to panic if Khalil weren’t touching me, Shane says, “How do you want things to be? Do you want to move back here?”

I look back at him, and around at all of them, trying to gauge their reactions, but not sure what they’re thinking. “I don’t know. I don’t have anything specific in mind. I just know that I want to see more of you. I don’t want to run away.”

“Well … no matter what we do, we need to lay out some rules,” Shane says. His face is completely serious — until he cracks a huge smile. “I’m just kidding.”

“Becca, we’ve missed you, too,” Devin says, and my heart sings. It’s the encouragement I need to give them a bit more of my truth.

“I should also tell you … I like you a lot. The sex is great — I love the sex — but I have feelings for you. For all of you. And it scares the shit out of me to even say that, but I want you to know.”

“Are you trying to tell us that you loooove us?” Khalil asks. His silly grin cracks me up, and I’m grateful to him for lightening the mood.

“I’m trying to say that you’re all wonderful men, and I want you in my life. I have so much fun with you, and … ” I trail off, not sure what more to say. They’re not giving me a ton of feedback, and I’m starting to worry that I’ve gone from being a commitment phobe directly to a stage five clinger without passing go. Maybe they just want to have sex, and I sound like I want to get married tomorrow.

“We obviously think you’re pretty special,” Khalil says, and I brace myself for a letdown. “We’ve never shared a woman before, and it’s not the easiest thing in the world, but it felt natural with you.” He looks around at his friends. Devin nods in agreement, and Marcos has an expression that I gauge as positive.

“We all want you,” Shane says bluntly. “We all like being with you, and when things were going smoothly between us, they were great.”