“What are you saying?”
“I’ve been patient. Been waiting for you to initiate something. Anything. You don’t talk to me unless it’s to ask about a paint swatch or fucking pillows. I don’t give a fuck about no paint or signs with cute phrases on them.”
“You don’t like the decorations?”
“You’re on autopilot, and I keep waiting for the day you crash. I touch you but you don’t feel me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re scared of your own shadow. You don’t leave the house unless Andi picks you up and you can avoid seeing anyone associated with the club. You’re so scared to feel anything real you won’t even let me fuck you without a rubber. And even then, it’s like you’re not there.”
“You think I don’t feel you?”
“You’ve lost your spark, and I thought I was doing the right thing. But you’ve crawled so far inside yourself I don’t think you even realize it. I’m scared to death that one day you’ll disappear altogether. It’s been months and you...”
He doesn’t get to finish because my hand whips across his face.
He rubs his jaw and smiles at my outburst. “There it is. Finally.”
“What?”
“A real fucking reaction. I’ve gone about this all wrong.” He grabs hold of my wrists and jerks me into the bedroom. My robe is torn open and the towel beneath it drops to the floor and my first reaction is to cover myself. “See there you go hiding again.”
I swallow and close my eyes.
He squeezes my chin. “Look at me, Hazel.”
“Get off me.”
“Make me.” He shoves me against the wall by the closet, holding my arms over my head.
“We’re going to be late.”
“What’s it matter if you don’t want to be there? Do you even really want to be here with me?” His knee presses between my thighs, spreading them apart.
“Why are you doing this?” I jerk my hands free, but he doesn’t give me an inch.
“Because you’re here but not really and I miss you. Miss the girl who gave no fucks and got in my face. Who wouldn’t take no shit from anyone. They broke you and I’ve been giving you space and time, but you’re stuck. I don’t want to live with a shadow. With your shell. I want you. Fuck.”
He closes his eyes, pain etched into his every feature. I’m destroying us, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know what else to do except be brutally honest with him.
“Sometimes I don’t know how to be with you because you keep waiting for me to freak out, but I didn’t want you to worry. You want the truth?”
His eyes flash open. He needs to hear this, and I need to say the words aloud. My palms slicken with sweat. A tent pitches in my stomach.
“There’s been days I could think of nothing but what happened. Days that I thought it’d be easier if I took a handful of pills and never woke up.”
“Jesus,” his voice cracks. He drops his forehead to mine. I’ve never saw Holy cry. Not even when he took beatings that would kill most grown men. I gaze into his eyes and see the water threatening to spill over the brims as he inhales deep through his nostrils.
“Only then I wouldn’t have you.”
I cup his jaw wishing I could read his thoughts.
“I love you, Hazel.” He slides my hand from his face, his expression one of torture.
I know I’m hurting him because it’s killing me to say these things to him.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you. The condom thing...I was waiting to know for sure that I didn’t have any diseases and that I wasn’t pregnant where my birth control got fucked up. I didn’t want to chance you catching something or my being pregnant then us both having it in the backs of our minds the baby might not be yours. You heard what Lily said about my father. I didn’t want history to repeat itself. If anything happened to you because of me.” I sniffle. “I couldn’t.” I shake my head as he swipes away my tears.