Love You Better (Better Love 1)

She sighs.

“I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become, Ivy Jean. So proud of the woman you’re growin’ into. You’re so strong. So smart. So much better than I was at your age.”

“Mom, no. I am who I am because of you. You’re the strongest woman I know. I’m where I am today because of your example, because of how you raised me.”

Mom wipes away a tear. My mom never cries. We’re silent for a moment, and then she wipes her hands on her apron and stands up straighter.

“Well,” she begins. “I want you to know that I’m gonna be home more with Jacob, so you won’t have to worry. The fight today...well, let’s just say it’s got me rethinkin’ some priorities. There’s a girl at the diner. I’m gonna promote her, and there’s also somethin’ I want to run by you. Somethin’ I think will help, but I want your opinion.” She eyes me seriously, so I nod. Oh boy.

“Okay, Mom. Let’s hear it.”

After talking with Mom, debating our options, and making a few pros/cons lists, I’m feeling optimistic. Cautiously optimistic.

Mom also reassured me that Bug’s actually been in a pretty good mood the last few weeks, and my absence really wasn’t detrimental to his well-being. He said as much, but I was so worked up after that meeting, full of guilt and frustration, that I couldn’t tell if he was placating me or not.

When Mom heads to her room for the night, I’m left lying on my old childhood twin bed doing my best not to think about Kelley.

Doing my best and still failing.

I’m not sure if I made the right call. I’m not sure about anything with him. I hate not being sure, and this throbbing pain in my chest hasn’t eased since he drove away this afternoon.

Ugh.

The fact is, I was spending so much time with him that my focus in other areas was shifting. I was thinking about him at work. I was leaving study hours early to be with him. I didn’t talk to Bug for over a week and barely noticed.

I never lose that much time.

Today in that meeting for Jacob, I realized how much I wanted Kelley there with me, and it was terrifying. I wanted to lean on him. Depend on him. Rely on him. I was start

ing to need him, and that’s not okay.

This thing with Kelley? It’s not practical. Relationships fail. They aren’t dependable. I can’t put so much focus and energy into something that’s destined to end. The sadness and loss I’m feeling right now is nothing compared to how badly it will hurt if I let this thing between us progress. If we go any further, when it ends, it will crush me.

I don’t know where I’m going for law school, and he wants to stay teaching around here. Then there’s what happened the other night when we tried to have sex...

I need to stop thinking about this because it’s confusing me and making me emotional, and I can’t afford to be emotional right now.

Heck, I can’t even focus on my LSAT prep and the exam is tomorrow. Instead of doing one last practice test, I’ve made three different lists of all the reasons why I can’t be with Kelley.

And all the ways in which we’ve ruined our friendship.

Again.

I’m writing furiously when a text buzzes through on my phone.

Kelley: Come outside

He’s outside? I stand up and look out my window, but I don’t see anything.

Kelley: I know you’re up. Your light is on. I’m at your front door. Come down here. We need to talk.

Frick. Maybe he’ll think I fell asleep with the lights on? I can’t handle this right now. I’m not ready for this yet.

Kelley: My messages say read Ives. I know you’re awake. You never sleep with the lights on.

Kelley: Please come downstairs. Give me twenty minutes.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. It’s Kelley, and I have to see him tomorrow anyway. I can’t avoid it forever.