Love You Better (Better Love 1)

“Ask me for a question or a secret,” she says quietly, and my heart starts fucking thundering.

“You don’t have to,” I assure her. “I’m here whenever you’re ready.”

She smiles, but it’s small and kind of sad. “I’m ready. Last night and today...they were so perfect, Kelley. I need to do this.”

I nod, take her hand in mine, and whisper, “Ask me a question or tell me a secret, Ives.”

“Secret,” she says, her voice quiet but strong, her eyes closed. “I went to a party after high school graduation. At that party, I was drugged and raped.” I squeeze her hand and do my best to calm the anguish and rage roiling in my gut.

“I, uh, I didn’t handle it well.” She chuckles sardonically. “I still to this day don’t know how it happened. I had one drink. Just one, and I never put it down. I poured it myself. I did everything right. I was careful. But it happened anyway, and I hated how powerless that made me feel.”

Her voice has grown frustrated, and she pauses to take a breath. When she continues, her words are measured and calm once more.

“After the ER cleared me and I filled out the police report, I had every intention of forgetting it all happened. There were so many emotions—regret, confusion, anger, sadness, fear. I wanted it out of my head for good, you know? The cops all but said there was no hope of catching the guy and I just needed to move on. But I was having these nightmares. They were terrible—I could go all day ignoring and pretending, but the moment I fell asleep, all those emotions...they took control. Then one night, I was having a nightmare and Jacob came in my room to try and wake me.”

She stops to wipe a tear from her cheek, and I press a kiss to her head.

“I attacked him in my sleep. Terrified him. Scared Mom, too. That’s when she called my aunt and sent me to Bowen. I started seeing a therapist.” Ivy looks at me then with a small smile, her eyes glistening with tears. “Dr. Joyner—she’s really great. She knows all about you.”

“Good things?” I ask with a smile.

“There are only good things, Kell.” She smiles again and then looks back at her lap. “Anyway, it was only supposed to be for the summer, but I struggled at first. Dealing with all the emotions. Processing everything. I just...it was such an invasion, you know? To have my control so forcefully stolen in a way that I wasn’t even aware of until after. I just couldn’t...I didn’t want to accept it, I think. I wanted to ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen, but the nightmares were so bad... So, I stayed longer. Went to the community college. Started self-defense training, too.”

When she pauses, I take the chance and ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“At first it was because I was angry and then because I was scared. Part of me blamed you, even though I knew it wasn’t logical, but I was such a mess, Kelley. It was like my rational mind had short-circuited. I kept telling myself that if you hadn’t done what you did at prom, or if you’d have at least apologized, you would have been at that party with me and none of this would have happened.”

Hearing those words knocks the wind out of me, guilt fucking gnaws at my rib cage, and I have to physically rub at my chest because of the pain.

“I knew it was completely irrational to blame you, but I did it anyway. And then I would get angry with myself for relying on you like that—for not being able to take care of myself without you. You were the person I loved and trusted the most, but you were also the person my mind was choosing to blame. It was a vicious cycle. Still is, sometimes, if I’m being honest.”

“You blame me still?” I whisper. She turns and rests her head on my shoulder, so I slide my arm around her waist and hold her tight. I can feel my shirt dampen from her silent tears.

“No,” she pushes out. “Not even a little. But it’s hard to feel myself needing you. I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that I need to be in complete control, that I can’t rely on anyone but myself. Sometimes when I feel myself wanting to lean on you, that panicky part of my brain gets louder and tries to tell me that it’s a weakness.”

“It’s not, Ivy. I’ll never make you weaker.”

How does she not see? She is the strongest person I’ve ever known.

“I know. I do. And it’s ridiculous anyway, because I’ve always needed you, Kelley. Even when I didn’t want to, or when I tried not to, I still needed you. You’re my person.”

My heart pounds and tears prick my fucking eyelids. “You’re my person too, Ives. Always have been.”

She tilts her head up and places a soft kiss on my lips, and I can taste the salt from her tears.

“I need you to know that the panic attacks will likely still happen. Nightmares, too.”

I cup her face with my hands. “I’m not going anywhere, Ivy. Remember? This doesn’t make you weak. Fuck, baby, you’re so strong. I’m in fucking awe of you.” I kiss her again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

We rest our foreheads together, our soft breaths mingling, tickling my wet cheeks and lips.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” she whispers after a moment.

“You don’t have to apologize for the journey you had to take,” I say honestly. “All that matters is that I’m where you ended up.”

* * *

“Good morning, Sleeping Sexy,” I whisper in Ivy’s ear. It’s 6 a.m. on race day, and she’s snuggled naked in my bed, lying on her stomach with my grey comforter draped over her lower half. To say I don’t want to leave is an understatement.