I had given myself a long list of reasons I couldn’t really swallow it this morning. At first, I had even managed to convince myself it was the Catholic in me that led me to employ the sleight of hand Judge never saw coming. It was something I practiced many times over the years with Antonia when she’d force us to take the pain pills after our father’s beatings. Back then, I didn’t think I deserved anything to dull the pain if I had earned it in the first place. It was the stubborn De La Rosa in me, and in my own way, I thought I’d be more righteous for refusing any comfort. But this pill wasn’t designed for comfort. I knew it the moment Judge pulled it from the packaging. I felt shameful, like something wrong he needed to blot from his memory. But when I settled my palm over my belly after he left the room, I knew I couldn’t erase it. The thought was unbearable to me, and I couldn’t bring myself to admit that in front of him.
I’d made a decision, standing in the bathroom alone this morning. It was a decision that might alter my life irrevocably. And I didn’t know how I felt so certain of it already, but I did. There weren’t many things I’d ever been sure of in my life. But I knew when I pressed my hand to flesh, there was something inside me I couldn’t regret.
As I stand here now, even with tears burning my eyes, my feelings haven’t changed. I never wanted to be someone’s throwaway. I’m not even convinced that I’d ever really wanted to be a wife before I could imagine a husband worthy of my love. But there is one thing I have always ached for. One desire I knew I’d never be able to give up. That was a child. A family of my own. Even if that family only consists of me and my son or daughter.
My resolve is unwavering when I force my gaze back to the mirror. I know what it might cost me. I’m aware my reputation will be ruined, and my brother will probably disown me. And Judge… well, Judge will hate me until the day I die. But this is my cross to bear, and I will do it on my own. I will do it without shame or regret, and I will do it with enough love in my heart to eclipse the absence of anyone else by my side.
“That is my promise.” I close my eyes on a whisper, letting a solitary tear fall before I walk to the toilet, dump the pill into the bowl, and flush it away.
It’s a promise I refuse to break.