Nothing Feels Better (Better Love 3)

“Yeah,” I bite out. “I don’t know what other bullshit they told you, but a fifteen-year-old high school student can’t seduce their thirty-year-old guidance counselor. If you don’t believe me, you can check the court records. They didn’t think so either when they charged her with felony unlawful sexual activity with a minor.”

“Oh my god, Jesse.” She covers her mouth with her hand and stares at me. I can tell from the pain in her eyes that there is more.

“What else did they tell you?” I grit out. “What other parts of my life did your ex dig through?”

She closes her eyes. I know what she’s going to say before she says it.

“Rehab.”

Fuck her ex. Fuck him straight to hell.

“I suppose they didn’t tell you the specifics, though, did they?” I scoff when the look on her face tells me I’m right.

“I told them I didn’t want to hear any more.”

It’s silent for a minute. Our ragged breathing the only sounds, and they’re deafening in the small kitchen. My skin is crawling with memories and insecurities.

“I was fourteen when I met Sandra Huntington,” I begin. Joss starts to speak, but I cut her off. “I was fourteen and fucked up. My head was a mess, I was failing classes. I hated school because I couldn’t focus. My parents are great, but they were working a lot, and I was just... I was fucking fourteen years old.”

I rake my fingers through my hair.

“It was Mrs. Huntington’s job to find me a tutor. Put me in programs to help me learn better, right? Well, she figured I probably had ADHD, and she started mentoring me. Tutoring me. Helped me find these tricks for better managing my symptoms. My grades started to improve. She hooked me up with an after-school science program. After a while, I was doing really well, and I was grateful to her. I spent a lot of time in her office. Spent time with her after school.”

I glance at Joss to find her watching me intently, pity on her face, and I have to look away. I can’t stand her looking at me like that, but I can’t stand her not knowing the truth either.

“She started giving me meds. Mostly Adderall, but some other stuff too. To help me focus, right? To help me ‘calm down.’ Then one day, things became physical...”

I remember the exact day things went too far. I remember everything about her office, the way the sun was low and shining through the potted ferns she had resting on her windowsill. She was wearing a skirt and blouse I’d never seen before, and I remember thinking she must have forgotten to do some of the buttons because when she moved, I could see right down her shirt. I remember trying hard not to look, but she always seemed to move herself right into my line of sight. And then she put her hand on my thigh. Slid it up. Do you like what you see...

I squeeze my eyes shut and fight back the memory. The same one that randomly invades my consciousness, that I’ll stress over for days, thinking of all the things I should have done, should have said. So much could have been avoided if I would have just done a few things differently that day.

I don’t say any of this out loud. I can tell from the twist of Jocelyn’s features that she is hurting for me. I don’t want to cause her unnecessary pain. Just because the memories plague my thoughts doesn’t mean she needs to be burdened with them too.

“First, it was just her touching me, and I was a horny fucking kid and I looked up to her. It felt...weird, you know? But I fucking worshipped her at that point. She’d done so much for me. Believed in me. Helped me. Then she made me touch her, and then...”

I shrug, letting her assume the rest.

“How long?” she whispers, and I give her a sinister smile.

“Until the end of my junior year,” I answer. “And it only ended because I had to be admitted into Lake Serenity Wellness Facility for abusing Adderall. I ended up having a mental breakdown and confessing everything to my therapist. They arrested Mrs. Huntington, and I felt terrible. I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I thought she cared about me.”

I scoff.

“And then it came out that I wasn’t the only one. There were three of us, and I realized that she’d taken advantage of me, you know? I was just a vulnerable, confused kid, and she used me.”

I don’t get into the mess of emotions I felt before realizing that I was the victim of a predator. I don’t tell her how I was crushed because I thought I was in love with her. I felt betrayed and not good enough. I was jealous of those other boys, my classmates. One was even someone I considered a friend. I don’t tell her how, even after years, I still struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Sandra Huntington made me think I was important to her, made me feel like someone worthy, but in the end, I wasn’t. In the end, I was just someone to use.

A fuck and some laughs.

They had to extend my stay at Lake Serenity after I found out about the others.

“I’m so sorry, Jesse,” Jocelyn whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

I reach into my pocket and pull out the ring, then put it on the table in front of her.

“And since I’m cutting myself wide open tonight, this is a ring Mrs. Huntington gave me. She had it made. It’s like a fidget spinner that I could wear. I wore it every day from freshman year until I was sent to Lake Serenity.”

Jocelyn stares at the ring like it’s a rat, with equal parts fear and disgust.

“I don’t keep it because I’m in love with her, or because I miss her, or because I romanticize the way I was groomed and sexually assaulted,” I say bluntly. “She’s a predator. I keep it because fuck her. That bitch didn’t ruin me. That was the darkest time of my entire life. When I went to Lake Serenity, I thought I was literally losing my mind. I thought I was going to die, and that was all her fault. I keep this stupid piece of metal as a reminder of what I’m capable of overcoming. So, I can’t get used again.”

My hands are shaking. My whole body is shaking, and I’m having trouble catching my breath. I close my eyes and count.

“How could you believe them, Classic?” I choke out, my teeth clenched. Rehashing all of this doesn’t hurt half as much as her doubt.

“I didn’t,” she pleads. “I swear, I didn’t.”

“Then why the fuck has it been radio silence?” I yell, and I immediately regret it when she winces.

“Patrick said he’d tell the Dean at Harvard. He has... He has a restraining order. I didn’t believe what they said about you; I knew there was some sort of explanation for everything. I don’t trust anything Patrick says ever. But I also can’t underestimate him. He has connections. He knows people. He has your discharge papers from the facility. He has a restraining order, I saw your name, and he said if I have any more contact with you, he will take it to the Dean and get your acceptance revoked.”

“Jesus Christ, Jocelyn. Fuck your ex. Seriously, he is the worst kind of person.” I drag in a deep breath. This guy was going to use her human decency and kindness against her. She was trying to protect my future from a lie. “That restraining order was against Sandra. I filed it months ago.”

“What?”

“Sandra came back around last summer and basically started stalking me. She got out of jail, and I guess her ex-husband and kids want nothing to do with her, so she came crawling to me. I filed that restraining order. Sandra Huntington is not allowed within 500 feet of me, my family, my friends, or any part of campus.”

“And the Dean?”