Nothing Feels Better (Better Love 3)

I flick my eyes to Joss. Her face is tight as she watches, and I can’t read it. Not a hint of emotion, and fuck, it hurts.

“I dunno, kid.” I don’t want to lie to him. I don’t want him holding on to that lie, only to be let down later. “But I wanted to come and say goodbye to you guys and thank you for spending so much time with me.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Jude whispers again, and I hear a small hiccup, a cry maybe, escape Jocelyn. I don’t look at her. I can’t.

I rub Jude’s fuzzy little head and force yet another fake as fuck smile.

“I don’t really want to leave either,” I tell him honestly.

“Then why are you?” June asks, and when I look at her, her face is the same as her mom’s. Blank. Tight. Emotionless. Only her big eyes give her away, but with time, she’ll probably master those too.

“I want to become a surgeon. I can’t do that without going to school, so I have to go.”

June nods, and a sniffle from Jude has me crouching down in front of him. He’s trying to wipe his tears away, obviously embarrassed, so I grab his hand gently and hold it in mine.

“It’s okay to cry, Jude,” I say softly. “It’s okay to cry.”

I brush a tear off his cheek, and he reaches up and brushes a tear off mine.

“See?” I say, “even I cry.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too, kid.”

I don’t even want to think of how different my life will be tomorrow, with June and Jude and Jocelyn permanently behind me. The aching in my chest is enough to make breathing difficult.

“If you come back, you have to visit,” June demands.

“Okay.”

“Promise,” she says, and sticks out her pinky.

Fuck, these kids are making this so hard. I reach out and hook my pinky with hers.

“Promise.” She leans forward and kisses her knuckles, so I do the same.

If I don’t leave now, I’m going to lose it. When I glance at Jocelyn, she reads it on my face. One nod is all I get.

“Alright guys,” she says. “Let’s let Jesse get on the road.”

We say goodbye, and I give hugs. June holds me a little tighter than I expected, so I pull back and look her in the eyes.

“You’re the special one,” I tell her. “Those boys ain’t shit.” Her lips twitch into a small smile. I’ll take it.

When they finally go into the house, after just a simple wave from Joss, I drag my feet back to my car. I do deep breathing. I wipe the tears from my eyes and tell myself I’ll wait until I get back to the condo before I lose it. But then mi pirata fuerte comes running back out the front door calling my name.

Joss is standing in the doorway, so I crouch down and get eye level with Jude.

“What’s up, Captain?”

“I got this,” he says, and hands me a paper. I flip it over and find a picture of me and Jude from the day at the lake. One Joss must have taken. He’s sitting on my lap, and I’m fixing him a s’more. We’re smiling so big, and his face is smudged with chocolate. The picture is creased heavily down the middle, like he’s been carrying it around with him. “So, you can have your ‘motional import pirate for in case you need to be brave.”

Bwave.Jesus, this kid.

“Thank you,” I say, tears falling freely again.

He reaches his tiny hands up and puts them on either side of my face.

“Will you still do your superpower?” he whispers. I swallow.

“What’s my superpower, Jude?”

“Loving us.”

The truth of his words hit me hard. Loving them.

Fuck, and I do love them.

I love them so damn much that leaving them is putting me in physical pain. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I fell for June and Jude just as quickly as I fell for Jocelyn. Just as quickly, and just as hard. My inhale is shuddered and sharp.

They’ve become so important to me in such a short period of time, and now I have to say goodbye to them. The hardest fucking goodbye.

I pull Jude into a hug and hold him tight.

“Yeah, buddy,” I rasp. “I’ll always do my superpower.”

“Good,” he says, then turns and runs back into the house.

I don’t look up. I keep my eyes fixed on the ground as I round the car and climb in, then crank it and pull away from the house. I don’t make it three blocks before I have to pull back over and break down.