Nothing Feels Better (Better Love 3)

24

We love loud.

The summer is in full swing when Jesse and I take the kids back to the state park for a day of hiking, pictures, and picnics. Jude is in full pirate regalia and walking Steve on a leash. June is in her summer soccer tank top and carrying her soccer ball under her arm. She also made sure to have Jesse pack her a book in the picnic backpack.

We take the same path Jesse and I took last spring, the one that follows the large creek, and I marvel at the beautiful wildflowers framing the trail. We stop at the same rocky shore so Jesse can teach June and Jude how to skip rocks, and I manage to snap some of the cutest pictures of him with the kids. They’re standing barefooted at the shallow edge of the stream with the sun haloing their bodies, their faces are sporting lively smiles, and the light is reflecting off the water onto their chests like sparkles.

They are so beautiful. I want to preserve this moment in time, so I never forget it.

When we get to the wildflower clearing, it’s an explosion of blooms, and I snap a few photos as June sets to work making flower crowns for us, and Jesse lays out the picnic blanket with Jude.

I brought June and Jude here last summer after Jesse left because I knew it would cheer them up, but it gutted me. Every minute I spent in this field last summer chipped away at my already broken heart, and I had to force myself to focus solely on June and Jude and their joy. We made flower crowns, had a picnic, and used the timer on the camera to take a family photo. It was a good afternoon, but Jesse’s presence was missed terribly.

This time, everything about being here is better. The kids’ laughter is louder, the smiles are bigger, and I swear even the sun is brighter and the flowers are more colorful.

Everything just feels better when Jesse is around.

After enjoying our charcuterie picnic (pb&j for Jude), I sit with Jesse on the blanket as June and Jude kick around the soccer ball. June is trying to coach Jude, but it doesn’t come naturally to him, and the patience my girl has for her little brother is a wonderful thing to witness. At times like this, I think maybe I’m doing a pretty okay job at this whole mom thing.

Sometimes I wonder if June and Jude’s relationship would be different if Patrick hadn’t been, well, how he was. Maybe they’re bonded more because of the negative experience.

Or maybe I’m just desperately trying to find something good in something bad.

Maybe I’m trying to find a reason to feel less guilty.

The kids have seemed largely unaffected by Patrick’s absence in their lives. I’m sure the counseling has helped, but something tells me they were happy to hear they’d no longer have to see their father. I have conflicting feelings about that.

Travis told me that Patrick moved back to our hometown and is working for the township police department. I didn’t ask how that was possible, what with his arrest and the misdemeanor charge. I’m just relieved that I won’t have to worry about running into him anymore. I’m glad my kids can grow without the fear of their estranged father showing up unexpectedly.

“What are you thinking about?” Jesse asks, his low voice tickling my ear from how I’m reclined against him.

“Them.” I nudge my head in the direction of June and Jude, and I feel Jesse’s responding hum vibrate in his chest. I sigh and focus on the solidness of his chest at my back, feeling content and happy in his arms.

“They’re pretty awesome, right?” I can hear the smile in his voice. “You’re doing a great job.”

He has no idea how deeply I feel that compliment. I savor it and swallow back the knee-jerk reaction to protest. A trauma response, my therapist calls it. Instead, I smile and accept his words.

“Thank you.”

I’m getting better every day at loving myself, flaws and all, but when I struggle, Jesse helps me without even realizing it. He shows me how I deserve to be loved, by myself as well as by others. He reminds me that I’m more than enough just how I am.

He runs his palm down my arm, then gently threads his fingers with mine. I feel his chest move with a swallow and his heartbeat kick up against me.

“Have you ever thought of having another one?” he asks in a whisper, and my breath hitches.

I have.

Never with Patrick. But now, with Jesse, the thought crosses my mind frequently. I’ve never brought it up. He’s only just moved back. He’ll start his second year of medical school soon. He’s still living in the townhouse next door. The thought of another marriage sends me into cold sweats, but the idea of a baby, with Jesse’s curls and big brown eyes... It’s something I find myself daydreaming about.

I clear my throat before answering carefully. “If I have?”

His hand tightens around mine.

“With me?” he asks timidly, and I nod slowly.

“Is that okay?” My voice cracks with uncertainty, and I wonder if he can feel my heartbeat thrumming rapidly in time with his. He presses a soft kiss to the crook of my neck.

“Hop up,” he says. “Time to go.”

I whirl on him, relieved when I find a mischievous grin on his face. My lips turn up into a confused smile.

“What? Why are we leaving?”

“Classic, the woman of my dreams just told me she wants to have my baby,” he says pointedly. “We need to get home so I can knock her up.”

My laugh is sudden, and my jaw drops as I look him over. He’s beaming. He’s gorgeous. And he’s absolutely serious.

“Jesse, I didn’t mean now,” I say quickly. “You’re still in med school. I haven’t even been working at the hospital a whole year, yet. We can’t have a baby right now.”

I love my job at Indianapolis General, and I’ve been considering the idea of getting my Master of Nursing next. I’ve just started a small savings account to take the kids to Disney on their spring break, and we’re all still settling in to the dynamic of Jesse being back in town. We can’t throw another kid into the mix. Not yet, anyway...

“Okay, you’re right.” He screws his lips up to the side and nods. “Just know that I’m ready. As soon as you’re ready, you let me know.”

I raise a brow. “And if I said I wanted a baby tomorrow?”

“I’d say we better stop with the butt stuff because I’m not wasting a single swimmer until you’re pregnant with my kid.”

I can’t hold back my giggles.

This man is ridiculous.

Ridiculous and brilliant and absolutely beautiful.

And mine.

“I’m serious though, Classic,” he says, looking at me with the most sincere, captivating swirls of brown and green. “I’m ready when you are. Okay?”

“Okay.”

His kiss is soft and gentle, and full of more love than I ever thought a kiss could hold. It’s a kiss I’ve waited my whole life for and didn’t even realize it.

When he pulls away, I glance back at June and Jude, their laughter like music on the breeze. It’s overwhelming in the best way, this contentment. This happiness.

Nothing feels better than this.