Flirting with Fifty

He lifted a strand of her hair, curled it around his finger. “I don’t really celebrate Christmas.”

“Why not?”

“It’s usually just me.”

“What about Oliver?”

“We don’t make a fuss about Christmas. We get together when we can. Like this year, we’re together for Thanksgiving but Christmas we’ll each be doing our own thing.”

She frowned. She thought it sounded awful. Thanksgiving wasn’t Paige’s favorite holiday, but she loved Christmas, loved having her girls all home. “Where will you be filming?”

“Tanzania.”

She blinked at him. “Africa.”

“Yes.”

“And you’ll be gone all winter break?”

“Depends on how long filming takes. The goal is four weeks, but it depends on weather and on the environment, and whether we’ve gotten the film we need.” He lifted his head, kissed her. “I’ll be back before the start of Spring semester.”

When the kiss ended, she snuggled closer, lying across his chest. He smelled amazing. Felt amazing. “I’ll miss you.”

“You could come with me.”

She sat back up. “Over Christmas?”

He shrugged. “Or after.”

“Just get on a plane and go to Africa?”

“Why not?”

She had no answer for that. It just wasn’t a possibility and she wasn’t sure she’d ever make him understand. Instead, she burrowed in against his side, her hand flat on his chest, feeling the steady, reassuring beat of his heart. And yet, there was so much she didn’t know about him, a whole life he’d lived in the years since they’d met in Paris. “Why did you marry Mara?”

He was silent a moment. His hand slowly stroked her back, down to the small of her spine, and then over her hip. “She was smart. She was pretty. She was passionate about the environment.” He hesitated. “She was pregnant with Oliver.”

Paige was glad he couldn’t see her expression.

“Mara’s parents don’t live far from here,” he added after a moment. “One day I’d like you to meet them. They’re good people. They helped me a lot with Oliver, especially when I had to travel and couldn’t take him with me.”

Silence stretched, but it was comfortable, soothing. She felt a little bit sleepy, as well as happy. “I found it hard to relax with Ted,” she said after a beat. “I could never just be still. To relax, we always had to have a drink, or two. In the beginning, it was fun, like we were on vacation. It wasn’t until I was pregnant with Michelle, and not drinking, that I realized Ted had to drink, and not just one or two drinks, but a lot.” She rolled over, slipped her hand into Jack’s. “The worst thing in the world is counting someone’s drinks, aware that you’ve got to get in a car with him, aware that he shouldn’t be driving but he won’t let anyone else drive because he can’t accept he’s had too much. I think that’s when I went from disappointed to angry, because it was stupid and dangerous getting in a car with him, letting him drive the girls places, but he wouldn’t listen, and he’d get ugly. I should have stood up to him more. I shouldn’t have put the girls in danger.”

“Did he ever hit you?”

“No. He just said mean things.” Paige reached up, rubbed at her eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. “Toward the end of my marriage, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I woke up every day anxious, a lead weight on my chest, fighting anxiety, fighting anger. I don’t remember having anxiety before that. Maybe I did, maybe it just wasn’t as intense, but the anxiety twisted me in knots. But even miserable, I wasn’t going to leave him. I wasn’t a quitter. I would make this work . . . and that was my plan, until the day came where I couldn’t make it work.”

He drew her back into the crook of his arm. “What was the breaking point?”

“I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t teach. I couldn’t talk to my friends, my mom, my girls. I was in trouble, and yet I couldn’t see a way out.”

“But you got out.”

“Elizabeth came to see me.” Paige’s eyes burned. Her vision grew blurry. “She made me realize I was valuable. I mattered. I didn’t leave Ted for another six months, but I finally realized I had to do something or I’d die.” She knocked away a tear sliding down into her hair. “It sounds awfully dramatic put like that, but it’s how I felt. I dreaded telling the girls that I was leaving their dad, but when I did, they cheered. They’d had a difficult relationship with him. I had always been the buffer, and it was exhausting. When I moved out, everything changed. I had energy again, hope again, and the girls and I grew even closer.”

“How is their relationship with their dad now?”

“Not great. He doesn’t make an effort, and they’ve given up trying. When Ted and I lived together, I was constantly trying to smooth things over, solve problems, be the peacemaker, but when we divorced, I stopped doing it. The girls were young adults and Ted was an adult, and they had to figure out the relationship they wanted without me in the middle.” Paige exhaled. “My mom guilted me in the beginning, reminding me that he was their father, but he has a responsibility to them, too. He’s their father. Doesn’t he want to have a relationship with them? Not because it’s a duty, but a privilege? A joy?”

“So, no regrets about the divorce,” he said, drying the dampness on her cheek.

She looked over at him. “None at all. If anything, I just wish I’d done it sooner.”

“You’re happy,” he said, expression somber.

“Yes,” she said, snuggling into his arms, holding him tightly. “Very.” Even as she thought that she was even happier now, being with him. She hadn’t thought she wanted anyone, and she certainly hadn’t thought she needed anyone, but somehow being with Jack made her feel really good.

No, better than good.

Perfect, actually.

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