Flirting with Fifty

Paige was starving. She ate almost everything, even the rice, which she normally tried not to do. Ashley picked at her food, more interested in the dating reality show she’d been watching than talking to her mom.

Paige finally reached over, took the remote, paused the show. “Okay, what’s up? Something’s going on.”

Ashley reached for her ponytail and let it run through her hand. When anxious she played with her hair. Paige tried to stay calm and quiet, giving Ashley time to form her thoughts. But when she didn’t speak, Paige broke the quiet. “Can we start with the audition? What happened with that?”

Ashley looked away, jaw tight. “I don’t actually have an audition.”

“What?”

Ashley looked at her mom and then away again, tears filling her eyes. “I’m having a hard time.” Her voice cracked. “I needed to come home.”

“Did something happen?”

“It’s not one thing; it’s everything. I’ve had so much anxiety and every audition makes it worse. I don’t know what’s happened to my confidence, but it’s gone. I used to look around the room and think I was pretty and talented and had a shot, but now when I look around the room, I just feel terrible about myself because not even my best is good enough. I’ve gone to auditions and I’ve done so well but I still don’t get the part. It just seems so pointless. I think that’s the biggest thing right now. It all just seems really pointless.”

Paige listened without interrupting. When Ashley was a little girl, she’d struggled with body image, and she still had some body dysmorphia. She was incredibly slender, exercising all the time, but in Ashley’s mind she was a big girl. “How long are you going to be here? We could do some fun things while you’re home. Maybe we could have a girls’ getaway. Go to Palm Springs, maybe Ojai.”

“Not planning on going back.” Ashley drew her knees up to her chest. But restless, she dragged her long hair into a messy knot on top of her head. “I sublet my apartment. Brought everything I needed home with me.”

Paige thought of all the furniture they’d bought for her studio. The dishes, the linens, the artwork. Her bike. She drew a deep breath to keep from saying anything too quickly. This wasn’t the time to bring up money, even though money was always in the back of her mind. “You didn’t bring much home.”

“I have those two large suitcases. Trust me, they’re packed, and heavy. I had to pay a surcharge for one of them.”

Paige sucked in her lower lip, not knowing what to say.

“You’re mad,” Ashley said flatly, tugging on the ponytail, letting it fall.

“I’m not. I’m concerned.”

“You think I gave up too soon.”

“I didn’t say that. I would never say that. I couldn’t do what you do. I couldn’t put myself out there like that. I couldn’t handle the rejection.”

“I tried so hard.”

“I know, Ash, and I respect you for that. I’m proud of you.”

“Even though I don’t know what I’m going to do now? There’s nothing else I want to do.”

“That’s the beauty of part-time jobs, and temp jobs. You could even waitress here while you figure out your next step.”

Ashley covered her face, fists pressed to her eyes. “Do I have to start working right away? Can’t I just relax for a while?”

“Of course.”

She dropped her hands, tears darkening her lashes. “You really don’t mind my being here?”

“It’s going to be fun to have you here, and I wasn’t trying to put any pressure on you. I just didn’t know what you were thinking.”

“I’m not thinking. I’m just . . . numb. Everything seems pointless. I seem pointless. I had this dream and it turns out half of America had the same dream. New York is filled with beautiful girls wanting to be on Broadway.”

Paige held her breath, fighting her own anxiety. It scared her when her girls struggled. It made her worry that she hadn’t been a good enough parent, that she hadn’t given them the skills they needed to be successful adults. “There is no hurry. The most important thing right now is for you to get some rest, and get some healthy food into you, and things will work out. They always do.”

“If I don’t pursue acting, I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Paige stood, crossed to Ashley, and put a hand on top of her head. “You don’t have to figure that out today. You’ve only just returned home. We can discuss this more next week.”

She leaned over, kissed Ashley’s cheek. “I’ve got to get to bed, but you’re welcome to come in, sleep with me if you’re lonely. You used to do that when you were a little girl.”

Ashley caught her mom’s hand and held it tightly. “I’m better in my own room, but thanks, Mom.”

In bed, Paige stared at the ceiling and then turned on her side and looked to the window. She’d drawn the curtains but moonlight spilled between the two halves, a bright slice of light. Paige understood Ashley’s anxiety as she had her own, although usually her anxiety was triggered by someone . . . or something. Like divorcing Ted. Moving out. Moving across the country. Her daughters hurting, struggling.

The first three were all behind her—but she’d always be sensitive to her girls, and their hopes and fears. Their future was her future. Or was it the other way around? She just knew that for her to be happy, they had to be happy. At least, that’s how it had been, but suddenly, she realized she’d begun to develop a life of her own, a life apart from her girls.

Jack was part of that life.

No, Jack was that life.

She wasn’t sure how that made her feel, because if Jack created that life, Jack could also take it away from her.

Paige’s eyes burned and she grabbed a pillow, pressed her face into it, even as she fought her fear. Don’t start worrying. Don’t panic. There’s no reason to panic yet.

*   *   *