5

31

BODI

Thesmellofher rosy scent seems to bring me back to life for a bit after I drove home without any knowledge of how I got there. Kayla’s face lights up when she sees me before it falls with worry.

“Are you okay?” She places the manuscript in her hands on the table, getting up to walk toward me. I meet her halfway, slamming my body against hers in a tight grip. My knees grow weak when her hands softly slide up and down my spine, comforting me as she waits for me to say something. Anything.

I press a kiss to her temple.

“What did the doctor say?” Her blue eyes search for something on my face, and I breathe in while my lips curl into a pitiful smile.

“Nothing we didn’t already know.” Her brows knit together, and I rub my thumb over one, trying to erase the crease of her frown. “Don’t worry about it, baby. He just wanted to give me a heads up. Tell me my father is moving into the final stage.”

I’m amazed at how easily the words leave my lips, cutting me deep inside my soul.

“I’m sorry, Bodi,” she tells me, her arms still linked around my back.

“Don’t be, baby. I’m fine.” I hate myself for lying to her. I want to tell her the truth. To tell her that I’m falling apart, my heart being sliced into a thousand pieces, but the only thing that’s preventing me from collapsing in agony is the fact that she’s in my arms. The fact that she’s still looking at me like I mean the world to her and, right now, that’s what I need. To be someone’s world. To make myself believe I’m not alone, because soon I will be.

“Do you need anything?” she asks.

“Yes. You.” I’m dying to be inside of her, to feel her body wrapped around mine in comfort.

I easily lift her up, putting her legs around my waist before I carry her toward my bedroom. She’s staring at me with her eyes slightly narrowed, holding my head in her hands.

“Are you sure?”

I want to tell her I’m not sure about anything right now. That life as I know it will change and that I need her to make me forget all about it. My mind wants to feel lost from all responsibility, letting go of all my fears, and she is the only remedy against it. She is the only one who can make me forget whatever shit is going on in life.

“Just give me you,” I huff against her lips as I lay her down on my mattress. “Give me you and everything will be alright.”

She smiles. “You already have me, Bodi.”

I’ve been staring out of the window in my office for an hour. At least. The thoughts in my head are scaring me to death, and I don’t know how to stop them. When I woke up this morning, Kayla was tucked against my chest, bringing me a sense of peace I can’t seem to live without anymore. But after a few seconds, my fear crippled me, making me jump out of the bed as I started freaking out. The realization that my father will be gone soon, combined with the loss of my mother, has my mind thinking about one thing and one thing only; nothing lasts forever. Knowing I will lose my father feels unbearable, the agony torturing me every second of today. There is no escaping the death of my father. It’s something I have to deal with. But after this, I’m done. I can’t do it again. I refuse to do it again. I won’t survive, and I can’t lose my head like my father did.

A knock sounds on the door, and I twist my chair to face it, pretending to be working while glancing at the screen. “Come in.”

Kayla’s beaming smile walks in before she closes the door behind her. My heart jumps for joy, but it’s quickly knocked to the floor by the deafening thoughts in my mind.

“Hey,” she says softly, sauntering toward me with a sweet smile. A smile that lights up a room every time she walks in.

“Hey,” I grunt, excessively clicking the mouse in anger.

She moves closer, then rests her hand on my neck. “I was wondering what you’d want for dinner? I thought maybe we could go to that bistro around the corner?”

Without moving my head, I sigh in annoyance, pulling her hand from my neck.

“You’re at work, Kayla. We can discuss this when you’re off the clock.”

She instantly drops her hand from mine, and from the corner of my eyes, I see how she cocks her head. Her entire stance grows tight, and I hate myself for making her feel uncomfortable, but the anger rising inside of me is taking over.

“Well, this is new,” she mutters. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, Kayla. I’m merely pointing out that we are at work. You can’t come here wanting to discuss dinner with your hands on my neck. It’s not professional.”

She snorts, and her energy turns livid. I can feel it coming at me in waves, pissing myself off even more, but I can’t seem to stop it. I don’t want to be sensible and responsible right now. It’s easy to lash out, settling my emotions in the most toxic way possible.

I hear her suck in a deep breath next to me, clearly trying to keep her own annoyance in check, which is only adding more to mine.

“I know you’re worried about your dad. I can see it in your eyes, but you could just talk to me instead of treating me the way you are.”

“This has nothing to do with my dad, Kayla!” I snap, pointing my fire-blazing gaze at her. She’s looking composed and way more in control of her emotions than I am, but her blue eyes are filled with a fury that matches mine.

“There are a shit-ton of comments sitting on my tongue that would be a very childish way to tell you you’re being an asshole, but let’s try this the adult way before you throw my age at my face. What is wrong, Bodi?”

“Nothing!” I slam my palm on the desk, and I watch how she flinches. She gasps, taking a step back with horror written all over her face. “I just need you to get the fuck out of my office and do your goddamn job for once!” I shout.

She stares, just blinking, her upper lip lifting into a snarl as she slowly takes another step back.

“What is wrong with you?” The disappointment is clear in her voice, feeding my rage.