5

33

BODI

Thenextmorning,I wake up with my nose buried in her hair, my arms hugging her against my chest while my morning wood falls perfectly in the crack of her ass. I suck in a lungful of her sweet scent, mixed with a sultry whim of her sweat. Last night, I almost had a heart attack when I saw that little shit with his hands around her neck. It took every fiber in my being to not rip his head off his torso, but I knew the asshole wasn’t worth jail time. After he left, all I wanted to do was take her to bed and wrap my arms around her the entire night like she was mine to hold. Like she was mine to protect.

She’s sound asleep, and it’s tempting to wake her up with my lips cherishing her body, but something tugs on my heart. A fearful feeling washes over me, telling me I should get out. I should create distance to protect myself. I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t give her what she deserves. I might be an upgrade from Trent, but I’m not her happily ever after. I can’t be that guy for her. Not without losing myself.

Frustrated, I quickly get out of bed, leaving the warmth of her body against mine. As quietly as I can, I grab my sweats from the floor before making my way to the kitchen. The cold floor underneath my feet pushes away the last of the fogginess in my mind, and I head straight for the coffee machine.

Automatically, I put my cup under, then push the button while rubbing a hand over my face with a sharp pain in my chest.

Now I realize why she’s been avoiding his calls and why her body goes completely rigid just by seeing his name. The thought of him hurting her over the past year makes me grind my teeth and when she was safely in my arms, all I wanted to do was show her how she deserves better. He didn’t break her, because boys like that can’t break girls like her. How she isn’t damaged. How she doesn’t have to feel ashamed about anything.

I wasn’t supposed to sleep with her, but it was a moment of weakness. A moment that quickly became something more. I could feel it. It was a declaration of love from her and the fucked up part is that I have never felt better than in that moment. The moment she looked at me with her light blue eyes filled with an amount of love that wasn’t there before.

I let my head hang.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

It’s clear the universe won’t give me any time to think about it when I hear her walking into the kitchen. When I turn around, a beaming smile sits on her face until our eyes lock. Quickly, her face falls, and she swallows hard. Without saying a word, she covers her face with her hands, shaking her head.

“Don’t do this, Bodi,” she says when her hands fall to her sides. “Don’t ruin this.”

“What do you want me to say, Kayla?”

“The truth!” she shouts, her anger rising from zero to a hundred within a split second.

“I told you I don’t date.”

“Newsflash, baby,” she snarls, “we are way past the dating phase.”

I shake my head, but before I can say anything, she gets in my face, glaring up at me like she’s ten feet tall.

“No? Then what are we?”

“We’re friends,” I tell her firmly.

“Friends?” she parrots sarcastically. “I was never your friend, Bodi. And you were never mine. That was just a bullshit excuse, and you know it.” She pricks her finger in my chest. “Tell me you don’t feel anything for me.”

“I do. But I told you I don’t date.”

“Why?!” She grips her head in frustration. Her eyes are fierce with pain, the sight of it making my chest ache. I hate seeing her like this. I just want to yank her against my chest and tell her everything will be alright, but I can’t. I can’t make her promises I can’t keep. I can’t tell her I will give her a happy ending. I can’t do that to her. I can’t feed her lies about how we’ll be together forever when I know it has the possibility to break me. I can’t fall. I refuse to fall.

“It always ends, baby.” I take her face in my hands, but she swats my arms away, turning on the spot to create some distance.

“It doesn’t have to end,” she says, her head shaking.

“It always ends. It always fucks with your head, and I can’t have that.”

“You know what I don’t get?” She turns around to face me again, her hands on her hips while her eyes narrow to small slits. “You set up Jensen and Rae. You pushed him to get out of that bullshit relationship. You pushed him to fight for Rae. You pushed him to get out of his comfort zone. You fucking helped me get them back together!”

“I know!” I shout back.

“Then how can you not do the same for yourself? Why are you standing there like a coward, pretending there is nothing going on between you and me? It’s not fair, Bodi! It’s not fair to you and it’s certainly not fair to me!”

“You’re right,” I concede, rubbing the back of my neck. “There is a lot going on between you and me. I can’t deny that.”

“But?” I watch how her eyes grow moist, and my body vibrates with how much I hate this.

“But I don’t want to pursue it.”

“I see.” Her voice is small. Smaller than I’ve ever heard it. Too small. “Because I’m not worth it.”

“No!” I blurt with a pinched expression. “No, it’s not y—”

“Don’t you dare say it’s not me!” she snarls, her glare vicious. “It is me. Because if I was enough for you... you would’ve faced your fears because there was no other option. Because living without me sounds scarier than the fear of getting a broken heart. Because that’s how it feels for me.” She pushes her thumb against her heart, tears now staining her flustered cheeks. “I’d rather risk my heart for you than wonder what we could’ve been for the rest of my life. I’d rather be brave than be a coward!” She spits out the last word, blasting past me, stomping to her room. I watch her walk away from me until she slams the door shut behind her, leaving me alone with my thoughts once more.

I know she’s right. I’m a coward. But I don’t know how to change it. I lost my mother. I’m about to lose my father. Losing my heart, I won’t survive. It will kill me like it’s doing to my dad.

I know people always talk about it like you can overcome a broken heart, but my father is living proof that’s not the case. He’s been fighting for my mother for most of my life and when she died, he died with her. He has never been the same, his mind abandoning him more and more as the years passed by. I know he’d rather have died with her, and the only reason he didn’t was for me. But I felt it. I felt how he lost his mind when he lost her. I saw how he slowly withered away after she left him. It was excruciating. It still is.

Kayla is right. I’m terrified, but I’d rather be terrified until the day I die than slowly become a figment of myself.