Hooking Up With My Dad's Best Friend

I grab my phone and search for the Hearts First app. It has a lot of positive reviews even though I’ve never heard of it. That’s good at least. It lets me know that it’s not just a niche thing that a few people are trying to use and everyone else is ignoring. And after it’s downloaded, I’m impressed by the sleek and modern interface it has.

The questions are pretty simple: the basics about your appearance, though no pictures are required, your likes and interests, and what you’re looking for in a match. Fairly open ended. From the looks of it, you can be as in-depth or sparse as you want to be.

But there’s also a section for more…intimate details. Kinks you want to share, and turn-ons. That’s interesting.

Overall, without the anonymity aspect, it looks like a regular dating app. Granted, I haven’t spent a whole lot of time with those in the last few years, but I figure they can’t have changed that much.

As I start to fill out the information about myself, I find myself once again thinking about Bryce.

I have to have some way to get him out of my system. And while the idea of going on dates is exciting, it’s also exhausting. Elle is right. I need to get laid, and I need to do it quickly.

Sure, I could go to a bar and see what I could pick up there. But some friendly chit-chat over a beer and a hit or miss possibility isn’t what I need right now. I need up-front, honesty, and a night between the sheets with someone who knows what they’re there for. So this seems like the safer bet.

So instead of filling out this survey in a way that indicates that I’m looking for love, I’m brutally honest about what I want: Someone for the night, someone older, and preferably somebody with an accent.

I’m well aware that I’m looking for a Bryce clone, and that I will not find him, but a girl can still try. Who knows. Even if I don’t get what I’m precisely looking for, maybe I’ll get some good sex out of the deal.

Hi there, you can call me K.

I am brand-new to the app, and I don’t know exactly how I feel about being here.

What I do know is that I need a distraction. I need to escape my life even if it’s only for the night, and I really need to have sex.

That might not be what’s normal here, and I know that this is supposed to be about intellect first, but I’m hoping to be an exception. At least until I get this off my mind.

I’m twenty-five years old, and I’m looking for an older man. I really love men with accents, preferably European. I don’t feel like going into why, but that’s what I’m looking for.

If this is you, and you’re interested in having a little fun, feel free to message me. Otherwise we can still chat and get to know each other, but I make no promises.

I don’t know whether Elle would be proud of me or want to kill me. All I know is that it feels good to be honest.

I might be better off going to one of the apps that has a reputation for hook-ups, but I’m a bookstore girl. I thrive on personal recommendations, and if Elle feels comfortable using this app, then I’m sure it will be good for me too. Besides, intelligent people want to get laid too, right?

The kinks section of the profile is blank. I have things I like to watch, but even though I love porn, I wouldn’t exactly say that I have a variety of sexual experience. There are a lot of things I want to try. I’m not sure I’d call them kinks. But since I’m trying to get someone to have sex with me, maybe here’s an opportunity to thin the herd. I write down a few things, control fantasies, animalistic sex, and marathon orgasms, and using my extensive library of sex toys. If anything, maybe it’ll get someone to laugh. Even better if it gets them to be actually interested.

After filling out everything else to the best of my ability—what I like, what I don’t like, a few hobbies, and a summary of my appearance—I send it out into the world.

As much as I would like to dream, I refuse to get my hopes up that it will actually happen. One anonymous profile is no different from the next. And if those people really are only looking for intelligent connection, then they are going to skip my profile immediately.

My distraction having been satisfied, I go back to my work. And it’s done the trick. My focus is sharp again, and it’s a huge fucking relief. Even just taking this small step has helped.