CHAPTER 13
Gavril
I could see the anger in my wife’s eyes, but more so the confusion about what I had brought her into. I was going to have to explain my actions this morning. When I woke beside her, knowing what I had to do today, I had contemplated bringing her along.
She wanted to know who I was, to learn more about me. And this—Alyona and Kira—were part of who I was.
I didn’t know why it mattered so much to me. Those tender feelings that I thought would die after last night continued to rage on in my body, in the soul she had awoken. And now, I was sharing one of my secrets with her.
Only Ivan knew of my visits to the family, and that was because he drove me to their house once a month.
Otherwise, no one else knew, not even Anatoly. Yet here I was, sharing this deep secret with Naomi.
I still wasn’t sure what that meant, but I didn’t regret it. “They are the daughters of one of my most loyal men,” I started out, masking my emotions. “He died saving my life.”
There were very few men that I trusted, men that I would shed a tear over or feel as if I had failed them in some way. He was one of them. The night he died, I had sworn that his family would not suffer.
“I am their benefactor,” I continued, wiping my palms against my thighs. “I give the girls the life they deserve.” Even better than the life that their father could have afforded to give them. Call it atonement, call it guilt, but the only way that they were going to stay out of poverty was for me to provide for them.
“When will the day come that they are snatched off the streets, then?” Naomi replied softly, wrapping her arms around her waist.
“What are you talking about?” I shot back, my anger rising. I was doing all that I could to keep them from having such a fate by ensuring their lives would never come to that.
Her eyes met mine, and I saw them brimming with anger. “You don’t think that one day they will be kidnapped? Sold? Raped?”
“They are children! Twelve and thirteen!” I shouted, horrified to even consider the idea. “They will never have that sort of fate.”
“Don’t you think Stanislav promised the same to Sveta?” She arched a brow. “That she would never suffer such a fate? And where is she now? Dead. Her body is feeding the fish in the ocean.” Naomi dropped her arms. “She was seventeen, Gavril. Not much older than those precious girls in there. How old were those women on the docks? Do you even know?” She let out a hollow laugh. “Do you even care?”
My hands clenched into fists as I stared at her. Naomi was mocking me, mocking what I had to do and putting things in a category that they didn’t fucking belong. Those girls didn’t belong anywhere near the shit from the other day.
Just as I thought that she was wrong, I realized that she did make a good point. The girls were irrevocably linked to me and my world for the rest of their young lives. They were at risk just as much as any other woman in my life, and no matter how much I tried to hide them, my enemies would be out to make me hurt.
To make me bleed.
Still, there were things that Naomi didn’t know and couldn’t possibly understand about my life and my business. She didn’t understand why I had done that on the docks and how her life was tied to the success of this farce we were trying to pull off.
Those men wouldn’t hesitate to take her from me if I didn’t have them on my side. To do to her what they had done to the other women.
She didn’t understand how they would make her suffer at my expense, how she was the enemy, even if I kept the peace between the dying Krasnaya Bratva and us.
Even if they believed her to be Sveta, it didn’t give her a pass from their anger at losing Stanislav. Even if they had once knelt at his feet and pledged their undying allegiance.
“You don’t understand,” I said roughly, my jaw clenched. “You will never understand this world.”
“You’re right.” Naomi shook her head, something akin to sadness crossing her expression. “I won’t ever understand how you can stand there and allow that to happen. Yet here you are, trying to keep two little girls from the same fate. Those women, those children, had families as well, Gavril. They had lives. They had hopes for a future, and you destroyed that!”
I took a step toward her, but stopped myself from touching Naomi.
“What I saw,” she continued, lifting her chin, “was evil taking place. And you know what? There is no difference between committing evil and watching evil take place without doing a damn thing about it.
“And I’ll tell you one more thing,” she continued. “I’m glad that I saw it. It’s given me a new perspective on you, Gavril. It reminded me that you live and breathe this. That the only thing you care about is controlling evil, and not good.”
“What do you want from me?” I asked evenly.
“I don’t know anymore, Gavril.” Naomi looked at me, some of the anger fading from her eyes. “I really don’t. You are a pakhan, and I know there are twisted laws that you must follow as a pakhan. But don’t sit here and pretend that your single act of charity can wash away your sins.
“I believe,” she took a step toward me. “No, I know that you don’t think there was anything right with what happened to those girls on the docks.” I flinched as she placed her hand on my chest, right against my hammering heart. “I never had a choice, but you do, Gavril. And what you chose broke my heart.”
I didn’t like what she was doing to me. I didn’t like the sudden discomfort I felt at her words, knowing exactly what she was referring to.
Because she was right.
I had stolen her future. I had ripped her from her world, from everything she knew, and thrust her into a world full of violence and uncertainty. Although I wasn’t going to apologize for what I had done, it didn’t erase my regret for doing it.
Before her disregard for my business had happened, I had been in awe of her and what she did to me.
How she had made me feel alive when I was nothing but dead inside.
Naomi wasn’t the first person to make me feel like this. She wasn’t the first person to tell me that they were unfortunately stuck in a situation that they hadn’t planned on dealing with. But the last time I went through this, it had ended with death and pain that I never thought I could feel for another person.
Not even losing my father could compare to that pain.
Drawing in a breath, I stared at the woman who had breathed new life into me since that day, my eyes flickering down to her covered stomach where our child was growing.
I thought I had lost everything that day. But now there was much more on the line. It wasn’t about losing the woman who I cared for. I could lose my child as well. If I thought I knew pain before, I couldn’t imagine what that pain would feel like.
“No more,” I rasped, stepping back from her touch. “We will speak no more of this.”
I needed an outlet to release some of these pent-up emotions that Naomi seemed to elicit from me. She made me feel weak around her; she thought she could change my mind about who I wanted to be—who I needed to be.
But the uncomfortable truth was…she could.
Naomi dropped her hand. “All right.”
“It’s time to collect the girls,” I continued, shoving a hand through my hair. They should be almost finished with their auditions. But most importantly, I wanted to turn Naomi’s attention from her judging of my actions and let her see the small piece of good that was part of me.
Fuck me, I didn’t need this right now!
I should never have brought her along today. I should have kept her in the dark about my life. It would give her thoughts that I could become the good guy that she wanted to see. Her knight in shining armor.
Even though I had to remind her again and again:
I would never be her knight.
I would always be the monster of her nightmares.