ChapterFifteen
Sera
“He said I treat him like his personal assistant. Can you believe that?” I asked, totally outraged the next morning. And frankly terrified. Cash hadn’t seemed like himself at all the night before and he’d stayed true to his word and spent the whole night on the couch. I’d felt lonely and scared sleeping alone in his bed.
Toni and Helena were in the kitchen with me, helping me unpack and rearrange Cash’s cupboards to make room for my belongings. Cash had taken the kids and Faith out to breakfast, which was fine by me. I didn’t feel like cooking or putting on the pretense of being happy in front of the kids. I hadn’t slept at all and I was nauseous and freaking out.
“Well, you kind of do,” Helena said. “If I’m being honest.”
“Screw you, Helena.” I glared at my sister. “I do not. He offers to do all those things. I never force him to or demand anything. It’s his choice.”
“Why didn’t you just take the sweatpants off?” Toni asked.
“You wouldn’t have taken the sweatpants off either. He was being demanding. I can’t let that stand. But it made me realize something. He does still want a younger woman.”
“How the hell do you figure that?” Toni asked, unwrapping a coffee mug. “That seems like a huge leap.”
“He’s not thinking about me being a mom if he wants me to sleep in lingerie.”
“That has nothing to do with your age. Also, a man should think of his wife both ways. As a mom and as his sexual partner.”
I was too freaked out to listen to anything that might be logical. “I need to be realistic. Because what if he’s just doing the right thing because he’s a good man and then he wakes up in ten years, when I’m forty-five, and decides that he’s sick of all the responsibility, that he’s sick of me, and he leaves me for a twenty-five year old swimsuit model?”
“That’s not being realistic, that’s being psycho,” Toni said.
“You’re anticipating the end of your relationship while we’re moving you into his house,” Helena said. “Honey, you can’t do that. Toni is right. That’s psycho.”
“Glad I can count on both of you for support.” I opened the cupboard where Cash kept his mugs and stared at a full shelf of matching clay colored mugs. Every cupboard so far had been like this. Pristine, matching dishware. It was becoming very evident I shouldn’t have packed half of my possessions and instead just taken them straight to the thrift shop.
“You need to talk to him,” Toni insisted. “You also need to admit that you’re doing the exact same thing that I did with Miles. You’re pushing Cash away so you don’t get hurt.”
“I didn’t pick that fight last night. He did. I’m not pushing him away.”
“Have you told him that you’re in love with him?”
My heart squeezed. “No. I’m not even sure that I am.” Which was a lie. I knew I was.
“Um, yes, you are. You wouldn’t be doing all of this if you weren’t. I know you. You’d find a way to make having the baby work without you two being together if you didn’t love him.”
She was right, of course. “I’m just scared of getting hurt.”
“You told me that Mom leaving messed me up and you were right,” Toni said. “Mom leaving messed you up too. Then John left you. It wasn’t his fault, but you still felt the pain of abandonment.”
“John cheated on me,” I said, flatly, leaning against the counter. I bit my fingernail.
“We know,” Helena said. “I’m sorry, sweetie.”
“How the hell do you know?” I asked, shocked.
“Because after you got his phone back, everything changed. You took your ring off and stopped talking about him. You stopped crying.”
All of that was true. It was a relief to have them know the truth. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because we have very poor communication skills in our family, in case you hadn’t noticed,” Toni said. “Thanks, Mom and Dad.”
“We didn’t want to embarrass you or upset you any further. We figured if you wanted to talk about it, you would.”
“It’s been three years and I haven’t said something yet. I think that reinforces your point.” I completely gave up on unpacking and flung my arms down on the cool quartz of the island. “What am I going to do?”
“Talk to Cash. Tell him how you feel. It worked out for me. Things are going amazing with me and Miles.”
“You have to do something,” Helena said. “You’re knee deep into this. We’re putting your ugly old mugs in his cupboards. You have to talk to him.”
“These really are ugly mugs, aren’t they?” They had spoon marks inside every one and they were stained with coffee. I didn’t even remember when or why I had bought them. “Are these from a garage sale?”
“You don’t have to settle anymore, you know,” Toni said. “You deserve and you’re entitled to everything that you want.”
That had tears in my eyes. “I do, don’t I?”
Helena nodded vigorously. “You do. You absolutely do.”
The front door opened. I stood up rapidly, the sharp movement making me dizzy. “They’re home.”
“Go get him, tiger,” Toni said with a grin. “We’ll distract the kids and Faith. Go for a walk or something.”
I was goingto say something to Cash but he beat me to the punch. He came into the kitchen and moved up next to me. “Can we talk?” he asked in a low voice.
His expression didn’t reveal much. “Yes. Outside?”
He nodded. He said hello to Toni and Helena then opened the back door for me. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt and his yard boots, like he was planning to mow. It amused me that he hopped up on the rider and did the lawn himself, but he said it was meditative for him.
My new outfit of choice was sundresses that had no waist. Just a giant sack of fabric that because of the cut or print got to call itself an outfit but was really like pajamas. Pregnancy number four might be the one where I wore nothing around my waist for the entire duration. My dress also had pockets, which I used as we stepped outside because I didn’t want to cross my arms over my chest. That was a defensive posture that wouldn’t be the right foot forward.
We walked side by side toward the pond. I knew I had to start. “I’m sorry about last night. I wasn’t trying to fight. I just didn’t understand what it was actually about.”
“It’s about you not wanting me to be your partner. Not a true partner. It’s very obvious you want to keep me at a distance. That’s what this is all about.”
“I’m not trying to keep you at a distance. I’m really not. I’m just being protective of myself. I don’t want you to marry me because you feel like you have to.”
“Why do you think I want to marry you?” Cash asked, rubbing his jaw.
“You told me. Because we’re building a family. That would break my heart to wake up every day and feel that you were forced to be in a marriage with me, that you missed out on a lifetime of happiness with someone else because you’re an honorable man and want to do right by me.” My voice caught in my throat.