“No. You went back to the life that was waiting for you, that’s all. You had two great weeks together, and then you had to get back to your life. That’s all.”
“You can spin it however you want, but I walked out on him.”
He sighed. “Fine. So you walked out on him. So?”
“But I was in love with him.”
“…so?”
I stared at Ryan. How could he not understand?
“I was totally in love with him, and I walked out on him to go back to a guy I
wasn’t
in love with.”
“Who said that just because you’re in love with someone, you owe them the rest of your life?”
Whoa.
I gave him a wry look. “That’s not exactly the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”
Ryan was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “I saw this great cartoon once. The top of the panel says, ‘Disney and porn have ruined more relationships than anything else.’ And beneath that are two little figures, a guy and a girl, looking in opposite directions. The girl says, ‘Where’s my Prince Charming?’ And the guy says, ‘Where’s my insatiable whore?’”
I chuckled at the idea. And at the incongruity of Ryan using the word ‘whore.’
But I raised my eyebrows as though to say,
…and?
“Whether it was Disney, or your upbringing, or society, or whatever,” Ryan continued, “somebody put it in your mind that you meet a guy, you fall in love, and then you go off with him and live happily ever after. It’s a great fairytale… but, in the end, it’s a fairytale.”
My logical mind knew that… but my heart believed otherwise.
“What if I
want
the fairytale?”
He paused to think, then shrugged. “Then go after it. But stop thinking Derek was your Prince Charming, because he’s
not.
”
“I know that,” I said – although, again, my mind knew it, but my heart felt differently. “But… I hurt him. I hurt him bad.”
“That gives him the right to torture you now? That gives him the right to act like an asshole, and push you away, then cheat on you, and then make
you
feel bad about it?”
“No, but…”
“Showing up here and complaining you walked out on him was an asshole move. Especially after what he did in Vegas. When you really love somebody, sometimes you let them go. You don’t hang on to them because
you
want it; you let them go live their life and wish them the best, and hope someday things work out and you can be with them again. You don’t show up and try to guilt them into coming back to you.”
His words were like prickly thorns across my heart. Partly because I could hear the harsh truth behind them…
…and partly because I knew Ryan was describing himself.
When you really love somebody, sometimes you let them go…
you let them go live their life and wish them the best, and hope someday things work out and you can be with them again.
It hurt me to hear him speak that way.
It hurt worse to think that, in regards to Derek’s behavior, maybe he was right.
Because it hurt, I resisted. “Shouldn’t you fight for someone you love?”
“Sure. If you didn’t cheat on them first.”
OUCH.
As I sat there in silence, recoiling from that blow, Ryan sighed. “Look… I’ve hesitated to say this… but you seem to think that if you’d just stayed with him four years ago, everything would’ve been perfect. That you’d both still be together and incredibly happy, and he would be the perfect guy, and he’d be a hundred percent devoted to you. But… I’ve known Derek longer than you have. I’m sorry to say it, but I think he would have eventually acted exactly the same, even if you
had
stayed with him.”
I stared into the distance, heavy-hearted, as I remembered our last conversation in Vegas.
I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to tell me the truth… Would you have cheated on me? Maybe not in two weeks, maybe not in two months… maybe not even in two years… but eventually?
…yes. Probably. At some point, yes.
You would have cheated on me before you got famous?
…probably.
Just with… somebody you met in a club?
Maybe.