That would make sense. I stopped reading anything after the first two days. Seeing myself vilified in print was more than I could bear. “He still wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for the E.”
“True. But none of us knew what would happen, including him.” He tips his head to the side, and looks at me with a curious expression on his face. “Do you still think about it a lot?”
“Yes,” I reply. “For a long time I couldn’t think of anything else. It’s taken me forever to forgive myself for not following him that night.”
Niall’s voice is thin. “He would have died anyway. You know that, don’t you? It wasn’t our fault.”
“But he wouldn’t have died alone.” That’s the worst thing. Knowing he was suffering without anybody looking after him.
“True.” The cars ahead of us start to move, and Niall follows them, inching his Fiesta along the tarmac. “But it is what it is. Do you know what I mean? Eventually you just have to accept that it happened and try to move on. That’s what I’ve been attempting to do.”
“I know.” He’s right. I know he is.
“Is that why you work at the clinic? To atone for his death?”
I give him a small smile. “At first, I think. Now I work there because I love the kids. They’re the victims in this, and the potential addicts of the future. If I can make a difference, it’s all worth it.”
“You do make a difference. I can promise you that.”
When we pull onto the Whitegate Estate my heart speeds up. The streets are empty save for piles of trash littering the pavements and a burnt-out, abandoned car haphazardly parked on the side of the road. I direct Niall toward the park, thankful his car is dilapidated enough not to stand out.
We stop short of the playground, where a cluster of kids are hanging off a spinning roundabout, hair fanning out in the breeze. The swings have been commandeered by teenagers who use them as benches. A few of them smoke from half-used cigarettes as they try to look achingly cool.
Eventually, I spot Allegra crouched under the slide, playing some sort of game with another girl—a white-haired, pretty little thing who looks about the same age.
“You okay?” Niall asks. I don’t know whether it’s from genuine concern for my well-being, or just something to cut through the silence. Either way I answer him.
“Yeah, I’m just looking for Darren. Cameron said he was hanging around here the other day.”
“Only kids here now.”
“Yep.” I wonder if Darren takes a break when the children arrive. I can’t believe he does; after all, the teenagers are probably his best customers. I still can’t get rid of that nasty taste in my mouth. If I were a psychic I’d say I could feel him. There’s just something a little off about this whole situation.
“You want to get out? Take a look around?”
I crane my head to look at the tower blocks surrounding the green space. Standing like sentinels, they’re identical in design, all constructed from the same dull concrete. Something about them makes me shiver.
“Can we drive to that building?” I point to the block where Daisy lives, trying not to think about the last time I came here. It feels like a lifetime ago. “I want to pop in and see Daisy.”
Even I’m sur
prised at my words. They come out before I really get a chance to think them through, but as soon as they do I’m sure it’s the right thing. Go up and see her, maybe say something about Allegra forgetting something. Reassure myself that Darren isn’t back.
“Are you sure? Will she mind if you drop in on her unannounced?” Niall starts the car up anyway.
“I won’t be long. Just in and out.”
As we climb the stairs I get a sense of déjà vu. My heart races with a mixture of exertion and anxiety, and I find myself clinging on to Niall’s hand for reassurance. When he stops to look at a piece of intricately designed graffiti on the stairwell I get to catch my breath for a moment, admiring his face.
“Do you like graffiti?” I ask.
“They’re the wall paintings of our time. Social realism in art form. I think they’re fascinating.”
I can see what he means. “Have you ever done any?”
He laughs. “Hasn’t everybody?”
I shake my head and laugh lightly. “Not me. I’m a good girl, remember?”