There’s another problem, though. Even if I could work out how Niall and Allegra fit into my life, there’s the small matter of somewhere to live. There’s no way I’ll ever be allowed custody if I’m living in a shared house. I don’t even have a bedroom to put her in. On my limited wage I can hardly afford to live in a bedsit, let alone a two-bedroom flat.
Which brings me to Simon. I know he’s the obvious solution here. He’s offered to buy me a flat and I’ve turned him down. I don’t want his money, I want to be able to move on without it, but that doesn’t help with the current housing situation.
I rub my face with the heels of my hands, as if the answers to all my problems are in there somewhere. I press them against my eyes so hard I can see tiny stars swirling in the darkness, but no miraculous solution appears.
Daylight sneaks through the curtains like a naughty child, stealing its way across the pale green carpet until sunlight washes across Allegra’s face. Her mouth twitches and she moans a little, rolling over to escape the brightness. Her body has reacted a moment too late, because the morning has chased away the comfort of sleep, leaving her blinking and confused as she slowly sits up. She frowns when she sees me sitting next to her.
Her lip wobbles and her breathing turns ragged as realisation dawns. Memories return like a cruel dagger, and if I live to be a hundred I never want to see such pain in her face again. It hits me in the chest, hard enough for me to gasp, and as soon as she starts to cry, I feel my own tears well up.
“My mum...”
I shake my head. “I’m so sorry.” When I reach out for her she snatches her arm away, hands tightening into fists. She looks angry, as if I’m the one responsible.
“No! She isn’t dead. She’s just poorly, like last time. She told me you’d take me away from her. She said I should stay away from you.”
I can’t lie, the rejection hurts. It’s natural, though, and I can’t blame her. Instead I let my hand rest on the side of the bed, ready for her if she needs it.
“She didn’t make it,” I whisper. My voice sounds hoarse with emotion. “They tried to save her, they really did, but it was too late. She’d already gone.”
Allegra opens her mouth as if she’s going to talk but no words come out. Then I realise she isn’t speaking at all. She’s silently screaming. It’s all I can do not to join in. I ache to hold her, to comfort her, but I can’t, not until she’s ready, and it’s killing me to wait. She starts to rock back and forth, wrapping her arms around her waist, her breathing still stilted and harsh.
And still I wait, because that’s the only thing I can do.
It takes five minutes for her to calm down enough to speak, though it feels so much longer. She turns to me with wide eyes and asks, “Where will I go?”
How terrible not to know where you belong. I understand that feeling all too well. I tried to escape it by getting married, but even then it haunted me.
“You can come with me, if you’ll have me. It might take a few days, and you’ll have to stay here and be very brave, but I promise you I’ll sort things out as quickly as I can.
She inches a little closer to me. Her movement’s barely perceptible but it’s there.
“I have to find us somewhere to live, and I need to talk with your social worker about some grown-up stuff.” I lean closer, hoping she can feel how serious I am. “But I’m going to sort things out as fast as I can, because I want you with me.”
Her bottom lip trembles. “But Mum said I shouldn’t talk to you.”
Oh God, how to discuss this without shadowing her memory of Daisy? “I think... I think she’d want you to be with me. I know she was angry with me, but we would have made up. Like when you have a spat with your friends. Eventually you get over it, right?”
Allegra nods slowly.
“Well it was a bit like that. We argued about something stupid, but I still loved her. And you. We just had a difference of opinion.”
“What did you argue about?” Her voice is quiet, almost contemplative.
“About Darren.” I try to keep it as basic as possible. “I don’t like him very much but I upset your mum when I told her.”
She’s silent. I watch as she picks at the bobbles in her blanket, pulling off fibres and letting them fall gently onto the sheet. When she looks up at me, there’s something resembling understanding in her eyes.
“I don’t like him very much either.” She whispers it, as if he’s close enough to hear.
There’s so much to deal with, not only her mum’s death, but the way Darren treated her. It’s going to take more than a few weeks to mend her broken heart.
29
When Niall arrives later that afternoon I all but throw myself into his arms. Unlike me, he’s showered and dressed and is wearing a button-down shirt and navy trousers. He’s kind enough to ignore my dishevelled state. He holds me tightly, kissing my face with soft lips. I sort of melt into him, trying to absorb him by osmosis. I want his strength, his determination. In return I give him my paralysing fear.
“They won’t let me take her.” Three hours of meetings and about a hundred forms later, they told me it could take weeks for any application to go through. “Until I have a stable home they’re keeping her here.”
He tilts his head. Though his expression is sympathetic it isn’t shocked. I guess I got my hopes up and thought being on the inside would help me. All it did was land me with a hot cup of disappointment.