“Yes, yes.” I can
barely keep a breath. Looking down I see his hand pressing against me, his tanned skin a contrast to my pink flesh. I watch the tendons and knuckles flex and contract, and I feel the sensation shoot straight through me, my toes curling every time he passes over my clit.
Then he’s on top of me, body sliding on top of mine. We are wet and hard and nothing but sensation. My head falls back on the bed as I rock my hips up, and he’s a moment away from slipping inside.
It feels so different yet it feels like home. Because we have changed, Niall and I, and yet we’ve come full circle, back together. When he thrusts against me, his tip touching my aching flesh, I have to bite down on his neck to stop myself from screaming out.
“God,” he sighs, squeezing his eyes closed. “Oh God.”
“Please.” I don’t even recognise the voice as mine. It’s needy. Desperate.
“Beth, I just…”
“What?” My breath is coming fast. I can feel my muscles contract even though he’s not inside yet. I rock again and the way he slides against my hot flesh almost makes me come.
“Condom. Top drawer.” He barks it out. There’s a look of concentration on his face, and his whole body tenses against mine.
Though it takes a minute to locate the condom and roll it on, I’m still trembling when he finally lines up with me. I can feel his pressure, hot and thick. My thighs wrap around his hips, afraid to let him go.
Before he’s even inside I’m on the cusp, my breath captive in my throat as he slips easily through my slick flesh. Then he’s filling me, surging into me in the most delicious way. I start to tighten against him, my whole body stiffening, waiting… waiting for that moment to explode.
I let out a whimper as the pleasure takes over, flames licking at me from the inside out. I’m pulsing and crying and scraping my nails against his flesh as Niall lets out a low-pitched growl.
And it’s his turn to freeze, as he pushes inside me one last time, breath catching in his throat. I cradle him in my arms, and he presses his whole weight against me, kissing me with soft, desperate lips.
“Beth…”
He buries his face against my shoulder, breathing rapidly. I can feel his heart hammering in his chest as it pushes into mine.
“Is that what you were looking for?”
I close my eyes and let the smile pull at my lips. He kisses me one more time and I nod.
“I think it was.”
30
It takes three days for a case conference to be arranged. Three days that I spend at the group home, sitting with Allegra, holding her when she cries, teasing her when she’s ready to smile. I take my cues from hers, watching her expression with a wary eye. Waiting to see what she’ll do next.
We meet outside the social services building: Lara, me and the family lawyer that Simon has recommended. Rafiya—the lawyer—advised that it would be better if Niall wasn’t present for the first meeting. She’s ruthlessly efficient, and explains she doesn’t want to complicate matters with explanations of my love life.
We’re called into a meeting room just after eleven. I sit in another hard, plastic chair, my hand firmly folded in Lara’s, and listen to the discussions as if I’m not really involved. Rafiya goes through a list of events that show I’m part of Allegra’s support network—the classes, the trips out, my involvement with Daisy. She explains about the move to Brighton, telling them why a new start would be so much better in the long term. And I marvel that all these people who don’t know Allegra or me get to make decisions about the rest of our lives.
This isn’t the only time we’ll be subject to this kind of scrutiny. In time, I plan to adopt her, and the rigorous investigations that it will require make this look like a walk in the park. I’ve already had to listen to Rafiya explaining all the pitfalls, and now I’m being lectured all over again.
This is right, I tell myself. We’re talking about a child’s future here. No amount of scrutiny could be too great.
“It’s very important that Allegra receive counselling.” Grace addresses me directly, ignoring Rafiya altogether. “Have you investigated provision in Brighton?”
My lips twitch because Grace knows I have. We had an hour-long telephone discussion about it last night. I wanted to make sure I’d covered every base.
“Yes, I spoke to a child counsellor this week. We’ve made a provisional appointment to see if a relationship can be built. I’ve also spoken to the local school and explained the situation. They’ve confirmed there’s a place available for Allegra.”
Lara squeezes my hand and I manage to breathe a little easier.
The meeting continues with talk of my suitability as a foster carer. Rafiya presents them with a report from my doctor and three testimonials from friends. The room is quiet as everybody thumbs through the documents, and I find myself scrutinising their expressions, trying to see if I’m standing a chance. When Grace catches my eye she gives me the smallest smile. Even though we’ve had our differences we both want what’s best for Allegra. I can live with that.
Toward the end of the meeting I’m asked if I want to add anything. I clear my throat, shuffling through my papers to find the statement that Rafiya helped me to prepare. But then I have second thoughts, knowing how cold and clinical reading words out loud would make me sound. Instead I look around the room, catching the eye of everybody sitting opposite me.