Horse
For the first time in over a decade, I considered getting really drunk. After Garrett died, the motivation to party evaporated. I was never like him. I didn’t do drugs, but like most college students, I’d been known to go out, get rowdy, and drink too much. When he OD’d, a bunch of his friends threw a party and I just found it utterly distasteful. Since then, I have had a beer or two, maybe a glass of wine or one drink, but I never got drunk. However, I just kept hearing her raging as she said, “It’s over now. We both feel bad about it but it’s done.”
Before we finished the load out in Los Angeles, I knew I made a mistake. As soon as I could, I went running to the bus, desperate to tell her that she was right. She got to choose who she slept with, even if she wanted to give her virginity to an idiot like me, and I still wished she’d told me but I would make it up to her. I’d been thinking that maybe I could take her on vacation when the tour was over, somewhere tropical. We could rent a villa with a private pool. Sure, I was broken and screwed up, but I’d try. I’d be better for her. Only, when I got to the bus, she was gone. Her things were gone. Everything about her was gone, and I realized that, again, I was being selfish. Sure, a future without her felt like drowning, but on the very first day that she let me be inside her, I hurt her so much that she ran, proving that I was a fucking asshole. She deserved more than that, so I tried to keep breathing and I didn’t call.
Halfway to Bozeman, somewhere in Utah, all three of our busses pulled into a Walmart so we could replenish snacks and Stew pulled me aside. We were standing outside on the curb and the others had already gone in.
He looked pained as he said, “Kat called.”
I wondered how bad his next sentence was going to be. Was I fired?
He continued. “She was sympathetic, man, but she needs you to stay away from Sarah’s set.”
I was a touch confused. “What do you mean?”
“Well, she still won’t do her show without you and she wants you supervising the load in and details on Sarah’s set, but fifteen minutes before Sarah goes on, you need to make yourself scarce and stay that way until fifteen minutes before Kat.”
Kat’s loyalty was too fucking much for me to bear. I squatted down and put my head in my hands. It was like I was in a standing fetal position. “Why would she do that?” I asked, my voice shaking with emotion.
“Shit, man, I think because you broke her heart.”
I shook my head. “Not Sarah.”
“Kat?”
I nodded my head.
Stew sat down next to me. “Are you asking why Kat kept you on her team?”
I nodded my head again, not able to speak.
“Because we’re family, man. You, me, Kat, the rest of the crew. No matter how hard you try to keep us at bay.”
I took a series of deep breaths and tried to re-center myself but there was no closing the hole in my chest.
“I’m dying without her,” I said.
“We’re talking about Sarah now, right?” Stew deadpanned.
I snickered a little, finally able to really get words out. “Yeah, you fucker. I’m talking about Sarah.”
“Well, as far as I knew, nothing at all was going on between you two.” This statement was clear sarcasm.
“It was a lot more than nothing,” I said.
“No shit, Sherlock. You two were not subtle.”
“She deserves better.”
“Yeah, so does everyone. I’ll let you know when I meet better.”
For a few minutes, we sat on the curb in silence, looking out over the parking lot. Then I said, “So, just stay away from her in Bozeman.”
“That’s the official plan,” Stew said.
Tonight, when the concert arrived, initially I did what I was told. I made sure that fifteen minutes before her set, I was gone. But instead of going out to the bus or somewhere quiet, I went out to the audience. I just wanted to see her one last time. I didn’t get too close. I didn't want to bother her or distract her from her performance. Once I saw her, my restraint evaporated. I had to talk to her. I still knew we couldn’t work, but I wanted her to know I was so sorry, so sad. Downright manic, I was drawn to Kat’s dressing room, and then Bill was yelling at me, and then she was just a few feet away, saying, “It’s over now. We both feel bad about it but it’s done.”
It’s done. Done. Done. Done. The echoes of her voice were what drove me to the hotel lobby. In the morning, the whole crew was flying back to New York, so I knew they’d be there in the bar, celebrating the end of the tour. Normally, I would have kept to myself, but I couldn’t stand being alone anymore. Walking into the bar, I was surprised by my welcome. There was no shock or overblown reaction. They all just sort of accepted my presence there.
I took a seat at the bar next to Stew. He nodded a greeting and I ordered a beer. Around me, all my people were talking and laughing. I smiled when I could and I didn’t say much. Leon and Gwen were arm wrestling. Gwen kept winning, then cracking up and screaming, “Stop letting me win, Leon.” Sean was on the dance floor by himself, full-on karaoking ‘Proud Mary,’ only he didn’t have a karaoke machine, so it was sort of like he was doing a duet with an invisible Tina Turner. All he needed was a big spiky wig.
When the song ended, he sidled up to the bar next to me, obviously tipsy. He pointed at me as he approached and announced, “I have to speak with you.”
I turned to face him, putting my back to the bar. I didn’t know what was coming but I had a feeling it was going to be about Sarah.
“You should know, you two weren’t fooling any of us and…” He paused to collect his thoughts. He was loud and his body language was kinda floppy because he was drunk. I looked around the room at the rest of the crew and they were looking at him and me, but they quickly averted their eyes.
Sean continued. “And I’m so mad at you.”
I was mad at me too, but for different reasons. I looked drunk Sean in the eye and said, “I’m sorry, Sean. I know that we have an unspoken ‘no fraternization’ rule for exactly this reason because shit gets messy, and I’m sure you all wanted Sarah celebrating with you tonight.”
Sean flapped his arms around and made a face that rejected my words. “No, stupid. I’m mad because you feel like shit and she feels like shit and you’re not doing anything about it.”
The sadness that I was carrying flooded the mask of my face and I had to clench my teeth to maintain decorum.
“She’s so good, Horsey. Why are you letting her get away?” he begged.
Behind him, Leon masked the word, “Totally,” in a cough.
Gwen was less discreet. “Really, boss, I think she loves you. That shit doesn’t come along every day, especially for a dark lord like you.”
“But…” I started to speak but Stew interrupted me with more fervor than I’d ever seen him muster.
“Jesus Christ, man, how many years are you going to punish yourself because your brother was a fucking addict? You’re enough. Everyone knows it but you. Let the woman love you, for heaven's sake.”
“Yeah, do that,” Sean blubbered, flopping his arms around my neck. Then, as if he’d had an epiphany, he jumped back. “Let’s go get her!” he hollered. He was jumping up and down like a goddamn fool, waving his hands about. “She’s only a few hours from here.” He turned to Gwen and Leon. “Come on, you assholes. Let’s go get Horsey’s girl! Spatz will drive.” Then he ran out of the bar, already on his way.
It wasn’t the worst idea. It was sort of a grand gesture, a tour bus rolling up onto her ranch. I looked at Stew. “What’s the deal with the bus? Where is Spatz taking it tomorrow?”
Stew smiled. “Doesn’t fucking matter, man. It’s ours if we want it.”
Gwen stood, and like a soldier, she saluted me. “Enlisting for the job, boss.”
Leon stood too. “There’s probably not a whole lot of heavy lifting, but I’m in.”
“What about our tickets to New York tomorrow?” I asked.
Gwen shook her head. “Don’t you get it, boss? We don’t fucking care about the details. We just want to be there. We want to make sure you get your woman back.”
Touched and resigned, I let a big-ass grin come over my face as I said, “I guess there’s one more stop on this tour.”