Cody
Ifelt her ribs tremble beneath me and I knew, but I waited… hoped. She released a shaking breath, and then she said, “Yes.”
I thought I was of two minds. A part of me wanted Flynn to be mine because some deranged possessive piece of me wanted it all, all of her. I wanted no other man to have ever been unsheathed where I’d been. I wanted no man to have a claim on the woman who was mine. I wanted no one to be called daddy by her son but me. But when she said the word, all I felt was anger.
She lied to me and not just now. She gave birth to him without me. I missed his first day. I missed his funny wrinkly newborn skin and his first tooth. I liked his name, Flynn, but I didn’t get to pick it. Dada wasn’t his first word because he didn’t know I existed, and I wasn’t there to catch him when he was learning to walk. A little over three years was a blink for me and maybe for her too, but in that time, I missed the beginning of my son’s life. James took that from me and I was livid.
I sat up, removing myself from her. I stayed on the edge of the bed, dropped my face into my hands, and rubbed them up and down, trying to shake my anger, trying to clear my head. She moved toward me. I put my hand up to stop her.
“Please.” She was crying. “I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t speak. I could hardly look at her. I had to calm down. I stood up and reached for my underwear.
“I know I was wrong,” she said. “I should have told you. I just…” She trailed off.
I picked up my jeans and pulled them on with my back to her.
“Are you leaving?” she asked. There was so much fear in her voice, so much sadness.
I didn’t know so I didn’t answer.
“I wanted him. As soon as I got past the shock of being pregnant, I wanted him so badly. And you said you didn’t want kids…”
I turned on her, bitter. “Are you trying to say any part of the fact that you gave birth to and raised my son without talking to me about it is my fault?”
She was still naked. And I could see how vulnerable that made her. She was on her knees and had her arms wrapped around her body, hugging herself but also covering her bare breasts. She shook her head manically. “No. No. I just, I didn’t want anyone to tell me I couldn’t have him. But you wouldn't have. I know that. I just…” Tears were running down her face. She swallowed and centered her shoulders, then looked me right in the eye, brazen as she said, “I was afraid.”
It wasn’t enough. The anger still tore through my body, ravaging all sanity from my thoughts. “You were afraid?”
“Yes,” she said meekly.
“So, because you were afraid, I missed his whole life so far,” I spat, my anger clear as day.
She didn’t speak. But she nodded. Her jaw shook with the tension of holding back tears.
I pointed from me to her. “And what about this? You and me. What was this week about? Huh? How many lies did you tell? Did you even come here on vacation? Or was this all a ruse? Some sick fucking test to see if I’d make a good father?”
Listening to my words, she lost her nerve and she was crying again. Crying and shaking her head, but I couldn’t stop.
I crossed my arms over my chest, my stance aggressive and closed as I ranted. “Well, are you still afraid, James? Did you not tell me this week because you thought I’d make a terrible father? Or because you were too busy climbing all over my dick trying to get me to love you so you could dupe me into becoming some picture-perfect family?”
“No… I mean, yes and no. Please let me explain.”
“Go ahead. I’m waiting,” I scolded because there was no explanation for what she’d done.
She took a shaky breath, then said, “The truth is, I came here to see you, but not for you or me, for Flynn. I came here because I cannot lie to him. I could not pretend that he didn’t have a daddy. Because I knew he did. And even though I tried to pretend to myself that you didn’t or wouldn’t want him, I knew you would.” Her voice broke and she pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes.
She clearly wasn’t finished, so I waited, but my patience was running thin.
With her eyes still closed, she continued. “Even then, I knew I had feelings for you, Cody. You were different to me, even the night we met. And I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t see you angry that I was pregnant or raise a child with you like strangers.” Her eyes opened and she was pleading now. “And then, when I saw you in the cafe... It was still the same between us and I lied. I thought I was protecting Flynn, making sure you were suitable, but I know now I wanted you for myself. It was so selfish. I know I was an idiot. I didn’t know what family meant. I didn’t know that people need family because I didn’t have one until I had Flynn. I didn’t know that Flynn would need more than me. I didn’t know that I would want more than me for him. And your family is so wonderful, Cody, that you can’t possibly understand.”
I lost it and fired my uncontrollable rage at her. “My mother died. Did you not get that? And you let my son exist without a father!”
All the color drained from her face and she was quiet.
Screaming burned off the steam but I had to get away from her. I was too angry. I grabbed my shirt and was already turning away when I said, “I can’t do this with you. Not now. I need to think.”
Behind me, she sobbed and scrambled. I kept moving, heading for the door.
“Cody, wait! Please...” She was begging, definitely begging. But I didn’t stop. The door was just a couple of yards away and I was leaving. I could hear her feet padding after me, but I was faster.
Maggie was standing at the bottom of the stairs by the door. I didn’t stop, but I heard her say, “She’s a good person, Cody.”
I threw the door open and didn’t bother to close it. The wood of the porch echoed beneath my feet as I clambered down the stairs and made a beeline for my truck.
She came outside just as I went to open the truck door and she yelled, “No matter what, even if you never forgive me, I love you. I love you here. I love you there. I love you everywhere.”
She was valiant in that moment. Brave and bold, and I appreciated it enough to pause. I glanced up at her standing there in only my t-shirt, her hair a mess from making love, her face red with tears, her eyes racing and desperate, but I still had to go. It didn’t change what she’d done.
I climbed into the cab of my truck, shut the door, and sat in the silence, trying not to look at her in the rearview mirror. And then, with a deep breath in, I started the engine. When I depressed the gas pedal, I saw her crumple. She just melted to the floor on the porch of the faux log cabin. Seeing her break, my insane instinct was to stop, but instantly, Maggie was there, wrapping her arms around James. Satisfied that she was protected, I pressed harder on the gas pedal and drove off into the night.
* * *
I drove aimlessly.At first, I headed toward home, but then I couldn’t bear the idea of running into my father or Wyatt, so I just drove toward town. Late at night, downtown Conway was desolate, an absolute ghost town of darkened streets and locked-up doors. I drove on past the part of Conway that was quaint to the more commercial area near the highway, where the chain stores thrived. I thought maybe I’d get a coffee or a beer or something, anything to try to clear my head.
I pulled into the parking lot of the twenty-four-hour convenience store, but I didn’t get out of the truck. I just sat there, trying desperately to untangle my feelings. I didn’t want to be angry. I wanted to be happy. Literally, one hour earlier, I was as happy as I’d ever been in my entire life. And yes, there was a lot of fucked-up-ness to finding out you have an almost three-year-old son, but Flynn was smart and silly and handsome. He was a great kid. She’d done an incredible job and I loved her.
But I didn’t know how the fuck I was ever going to forgive her so I just sat there in my truck, feeling shitty until someone tapped on the window. The noise startled me from my self-pity trance, and I was surprised when I looked up to see Bill. What was he doing here in the middle of the night? I rolled down the window.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
He held up a tub of ice cream. “Pregnant wife. What’s your excuse?”
I stared at him, not sure what to say.
“Lady troubles?” he asked.
I nodded curtly.
“Don’t move. I’m gonna go get spoons.”