“Oh.” My mom correctly interprets my hesitation. “Flynn, sweetheart, I’ve told you before. You don’t have to have sex with every girl you like. Some can just stay friends.”
I grunt. Not what I wanted her to say.
“You are such a nice guy. You like everyone you meet. You’re friendly with everyone. Sex isn’t the only way to show that.”
“Gee, thanks, Mom.”
I definitely shouldn’t have brought this up.
“No, listen to me. It sounds like this girl is already struggling emotionally. She doesn’t need you to screw with her head and her heart. Maybe don’t try to jump in the sack with this one, okay?”
Something pierces my chest at that and opens up a wound I didn’t even know I had.
Why is everyone so sure I’m going to hurt Nadia?
I don’t hurt women on a regular basis. I really don’t. I’m honest. I communicate. I make my intentions clear.
And my intentions are usually…that nothing will come of us. That’s truly the way I live my life. I don’t try too hard because big dreams equal big disappointment. I learned that rule from my dad.
I don’t try at relationships. I don’t try at a career. I don’t try with the band.
And I believe it’s precisely that flow state that’s created our current success. I mean, we couldn’t have manufactured what happened with getting paired with Skate 32. It was a lucky break when Chelle and Nikolai brought the Youtube skate stars to see our show, and they wanted to collaborate with a couple videos for their fans.
So maybe that’s the answer. I’m trying too hard here. I can’t fix things for Nadia, and any time I try to succeed at something, it just gets difficult. “Yep, you’re right,” I tell my mom.
“What else is going on with you?” she asks.
“Nah, that’s it. Go have your pancakes. Love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart. Come by and see me soon.”
“Yep. I will. Bye, Mom.”
I start the van and drive home to my apartment. I lived with Ty and Lake until Story moved in with Oleg, and then I took over her apartment. I walk in and toss my keys on the table by the door.
It’s weird living alone. I sort of hate it because I’m a social guy. I grew up with two sisters and a very dramatic and unstable mom and a dad who brought musicians in and out of the house at all hours. I thrive in chaos.
I also party too much, so my apartment is more of a place to crash than a home.
The place is a disaster–pizza boxes litter the coffee table. Empty beer bottles are all over the place. There are three roaches in the ashtray.
After being at Nadia’s place, I see it through new eyes.
Or maybe I’m wondering how she would view it, if she came over. I start picking up the beer bottles and throwing them into the recycling box.
I don’t know why I’m thinking about Nadia coming over. She won’t.
She shouldn’t.
My mom was right–whether my intentions were pure or not, having sex with Nadia was a mistake. My first instinct had been right. Keep her in the friend zone. Especially because she’s a girl I care about more than most.
Nadia
I ruined everything.
I am so humiliated.
It took an eternity–at least forty-five minutes–before the screeching gears, hyperventilation and tears stopped. Then I just curled up on the bed, unable to move.
Kat makes chamomile tea and brings it to my room with a soft knock on the door. When I ignore her, she comes in and sets it on the dresser.
“Are you okay?” she asks softly.
“No.” I huddle on the bed, looking through the open window shades at the blue water beyond. The Lake Michigan vista seems so expansive. So inviting.
I often keep these shades closed because the world feels too big when they're open. But Flynn opened them today, which makes me loath to close them again. He showed me possibilities beyond this bedroom. We even walked to the lake!
“May I give you a hug?”
I don't really want one, but I also don't want to refuse my brother's new girlfriend. She's only been here a few weeks, but she's already family. She’s Adrian's whole world, and she loved me right from the start. She doesn’t judge where I am. She wants to help. I know some of that comes from guilt because her dad ran the sex trafficking ring that I was enslaved in. But most of it is just who she is.
I roll over to face Kat and sit up when she comes to sit on the bed to embrace me.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” I start to cry again. “I don't know. I asked him to have sex with me–just as friends–and he agreed. But he was on top, and it triggered me. I freaked out, and then Adrian punched him. So now I'm sure he never wants to see me again.” I cover my face with my hands. “I am totally humiliated.”