Psychiatrist's Puppet (Loftry University Playthings 3)

The meal continues on in a blur. All around me, people are laughing, joking, eating. I’m stuck reliving things I thought were put in the past. Perhaps that’s why Doctor Rayne didn’t want me talking about this. He probably knew it would make me spiral. It’s the constant pressure of his hand on mine that keeps me grounded, but even that is tenuous.

I feel like I’m slipping away, back into that grey haze where nothing matters. Nothing hurts. Everything is a low-level buzz around me until everything stops. There’s no noise. Not even the tinkling of glasses or silverware. I hazard a glance to see everyone looking at each other with confusion.

“William Newman.”

The guard that grabbed me that fateful day steps into the room and waits for confirmation. The words cut through the haze, through the noise. My fork falls from my hand, clattering onto my plate. The sharp ringing ricochets through my brain, snapping me out of it.

“Billy?”

The gasps around me grate on my skin. It’s too much. It’s all too much. There’s no way he can be here. How would he have even found me? Doctor Rayne turns in his chair to pin me with his classic stare. But what can I tell him? I know nothing about this.

“What is he doing here?” Melody whispers behind me.

“You knew about this?” There’s a calm in Doctor Rayne’s voice that I’ve never heard before. It goes beyond his normal air of nonchalance and into something colder - empty of all emotion.

“No. I never. I could never. I didn’t think -.”

Doctor Rayne interrupts her with a wave of his hand. “Show him in. Let’s find out what he wants.”

My body moves like it’s going through molasses. I didn’t even realize I was standing until Doctor Rayne tugs at my hand, urging me to refind my seat. But I don’t. I defy him in this small way, needing to be at an advantage when Billy - my personal ghost -shows up. There’s no way he can even be real. This man, whoever he is, has to be a poser, a trick. The pounding of my heart is intense; I pray it doesn’t fly out of my chest. The seconds tick by like hours as we all wait.

“Oh my God, Chastity. It is you!”

“B-Billy!” He’s there, in the flesh. My body trembles as he winds his way around the table to me. He looks different. Gone are the boyish features - they’re replaced with something harder, edgier - but underneath, he’s still the same. He’s still my Billy.

His arms engulf me in a hug, and I sag against him, breathing in his scent. Real. He’s real, and he’s here. But how? Why? Shushing murmurs reach my ear as he rocks me back and forth, his hand cupping the back of my head to keep me close.

“I’ve been looking for you. I’ve never stopped looking for you,” he murmurs in my ear so that only I can hear. There’s something not right about his words, but I can’t figure out what is.

Nothing makes sense right now. The buzzing in my brain increases as I run my fingers over his arm, convincing myself that I haven’t just slipped back under. He’s not as warm as Doctor Rayne, but he’s not cold either - not like my dreams. And he’s solid. Everywhere I touch is hardened muscle, yet another difference from before. There’s no way I could imagine him with all these changes. That’s not even possible.

Reaching up, I brush against the scruff of his beard, marveling at the difference in texture from his smooth babyface. It covers up some of him, but not enough to be someone else in disguise. Besides, his voice is exactly as I remembered it - dreamed it. He pulls away from me, seeing everyone around the table for the first time, it seems.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt dinner. I just had to find you. When Melody called me -.”

“She did what?” This time, It’s Master Jeremy that sounds like ice frosting steel. His voice sends skitters of unease down my spine.

I turn to look at Melody, but she hides her face and draws herself up as small as she can. “You knew?” I croak out, my voice refusing to work. “You knew he was still there? Still wanting me, looking for me? You knew, and you said nothing?”

“You were with Doctor Rayne. I didn’t think -.”

“No,” Doctor Rayne agrees. “You obviously didn’t think. William, please unhand Chastity and explain why you’re here in my house.”

I flinch away from his tone and burrow deeper into Billy. Everyone in this house is acting so angry. They don’t say it with their words, but their tones, their voices are dripping venom. It’s like acid plopping on my mind, scalding me with every syllable. Billy doesn’t do that. Billy holds me tighter, shielding me away from the worst of it. He can’t stop the voices, but I don’t have to look at anyone. I can just stare at his jacket and be okay.

“I’m here for Chas. I can wait until after dinner but -.” He trails off for a moment to lift up my chin before drifting his thumb over my cheek. “Please say you’ll come home with me. I’ve been dead inside since you’ve left. I couldn’t breathe without you. You were my soulmate. We can be that again.” His gaze drifts over the fancy food and flatware before drifting back to me. “I’m still not rich. I can’t give you things like this….”

It’s my turn to look at the table - really look. Do I even need this? I’ve survived my whole life with mismatching plates and cups. Most dinners were eaten on paper plates. Most food was either whatever Melody or I cooked or came out of a can. We would never be so pretentious as to eat something called squab. There were never courses to our meals. When did we become like this? This isn’t me. This was never me. This isn’t Melody either, but she’s made her choices. Glancing down, I spot a ring on her ring finger. The gaudiness of it is fitting for this crowd, but not for me.

“I - I never wanted this - needed this. I never asked for any of this.” I chance a glance at Doctor Rayne. His lips are tight against his teeth, his knuckles white from where they grip the table. Perhaps after all this, I’ll be punished. It’s been several days since I’ve last displeased him. The tentative pleasure of being his “good girl” was sure to run out sometime.

My gaze shoots back and forth between both men. My brain swirls with thoughts, memories, all of them intertwined with each other. There is no Billy without Doctor Rayne. Both consume my thoughts to the point it’s overwhelming.

“For God’s sake, let the woman sit down,” Doctor Rayne growls, pulling me away from him. “She’s on the verge of collapsing.”

“No!” The shrill, hysterical sound that flies out of my mouth startles even me. Frantic, I grasp the front of Billy’s coat. He’s here. He’s finally here. This has been a dream all along. I have to find out. If he’s here for me, maybe he’s rescuing me. Nothing in my life has made any rational sense since I opened my eyes those several weeks ago. This isn't me. None of this is me!

“Please. Please, Billy. You have to rescue me. Please take me from here. You have to. Please.” I’m babbling. I know I’m babbling. But I can’t stop. None of it’s stopping. Even Doctor Rayne’s bark ordering me to sit down permeates the haze building up in my mind. I can’t. I just can’t. This has to be real. He has to be real.

Large arms surround me, keeping me from falling over. They’re so real. So solid. Not Doctor Rayne, though. The heat isn’t the same. It doesn’t sear me, consume me. Safe. It’s not overwhelming. It’s Billy. It’s the Billy that held me while we listened to the rain falling on the tin roof of his trailer. It’s the Billy that laughed with me, played with me. He was always safe. Never intense. He never overwhelmed me. Not like Doctor Rayne.

I can’t look at him as Billy drags me past. Shouts reach my ears, but the words are muffled. I can’t do this. I can’t face him like this. I know I’m wounding Doctor Rayne, but he doesn’t understand. He’ll never understand. I need to know for sure that all of this is real. I can’t know that if I don’t leave. I have to. I must.

The air outside whips at the small bits of exposed skin, and I pull away to breathe in deep. I haven’t been outside in almost a month. I convinced myself that I didn’t need it, but I did. I do. Pulling out of Billy’s arms, I sink to the ground and rub my hands over the blades of grass. Of course his lawn would be immaculate. A bubble of laughter threatens to spill out of my lips as I roll around on the grass like a dog, soaking in the nature I’ve been denied for so long.

“We need to leave. Now.” Billy’s tone sounds worried.

I glance up, about to tell him he has nothing to worry about, when Doctor Rayne and the rest of the dinner guests spill out into the front lawn. Master Grigori keeps a death grip on him as he struggles to come over to me. I jump up, shame flooding me as I realize I’ve beyond disobeyed him, quickly followed by the realization that whatever punishments I’d had before would be nothing compared to this.

My body aches for him as the idea of him taking me in hand rolls through me. Dear God, but I shouldn’t still crave him. Shouldn’t crave his discipline. This is all insane. The fact that I’m not only addicted to his chastising hand but also fear it tells me this isn’t good. None of this is good.

What I feel for him can’t be real, not when it’s so dark, so...terrifying. Billy is safe. He’s familiar. He’s what I’ve always known. He’s...he’s Billy. He’s the only thing that makes rational sense. There’s no guessing with him, no worrying about doing the right thing. As much as I crave the darkness Doctor Rayne promises, I can’t give up on the idea that this, this moment, is my make or break. If I don’t go with Billy, if I don’t at least try, then I’ll never know.

Billy grabs me by the waist, giving me no more time to waffle about, and drags me to his car. It’s the same beat-up LeSabre he had when we were together. Memories flood my body as I stare at our reflection in the glass. I lost my virginity in this car. He still has it. He still has me. He looked for me. All this time, and he never gave up. He ushers me inside before slamming my door shut. Familiar smells lull me into a sense of security I hadn’t realized I needed. Finally safe, I let my eyes drift shut as I rest my head against the glass.

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