After the divorce, things changed and life evened out, but the residue of that time remained tattooed on my insides. I could always read a room. I was always good at going unnoticed. And I was always prepared for the worst.
I carried the uncertainty of that time with me like a stone in my shoe that I couldn’t get rid of. Most of the time, I forgot it was there. I just learned to live with it—knowing tomorrow could be very different from today. I took steps to ensure my world was as unchanging as possible. It was one of the reasons marriage had never appealed to me—why make a promise to love someone forever when it was an impossible promise to make? No one knew what the future held and it was foolish to tempt fate. Not that I wasn’t happy for Andrew and Sofia—I couldn’t be more pleased to see such a great couple, desperately in love and telling the world they were committed to each other. But today the stone had made a hole in my sock and was burrowing into my skin. Questions crowded my mind, and none of them had easy answers.
As Andrew and Sofia promised to love each other for the rest of their lives, the stone screamed, what if things change?
As Andrew and Sofia looked at gazed into each other’s eyes like they would stand in front of a train for each other, the stone shouted, how long will that last?
As Parker squeezed my hand, the stone whispered, how long until you have to give her up?
After the ceremony, we were directed into another room, this one lined with books. “This is beautiful,” Parker said, her head tipped back to take it all in.
We paused as we came to a waiter holding a tray of champagne. I handed her a glass and took one for myself before heading to where Dexter, Hollie, and Gabriel stood.
Parker tugged at my hand, pulling me down slightly so she could whisper into my ear. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, straightening. “Yeah. Just a bit of jetlag.”
“Look at me.”
I did what she asked.
“You don’t have jetlag.” She smoothed her thumb over mine in a movement so small but at the same time so deeply reassuring. That was the thing about Parker: she always wanted to make things better for people. I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse. I’d gotten used to relying on myself, living in the moment. But right now, all I could think about was her and tomorrow—what was going to happen?
I wasn’t going to tell her I didn’t know what the future held for us—that I couldn’t see myself sharing my life with someone. It was driving me halfway to insanity not knowing who had broken into her flat. What if they were following her? Planning an attack? What if she got ill? How could I explain that I didn’t know if we were going to last when the ninety days were up? I liked the now, but I knew better than to expect the now to last.
We looked on as the bride and groom were having pictures together. Parker tugged my hand. “Can I show you something?” she said. We excused ourselves from our group and retraced our steps to where the chairs were still in place from the ceremony.
“What did you want to show me?” I asked.
“I just wanted a few minutes alone with you. Thought maybe I could surreptitiously feel you up and at the same time, cheer you up.”
I smiled at her plan. “Can you believe this place?” She thrust her hands in the air like she was trying to give the skyline a huge hug.
“It’s pretty special.”
She spun around and I snaked my arms around her waist.
“Ceremony was nice,” she said.
I nodded, my chin resting on the top of her head. “Did I ever tell you how small you are?”
“Not for at least an hour and a half.”
“I’m slacking. And you’re very short.”
She laughed and I felt the sound deep in my gut.
Quiet fell between us and we stood, her arms over mine, her hands stroking my arms, watching the hustle and bustle around us.
“You want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Nothing to talk about.”
Silence ticked by for a few seconds, maybe a minute.
“Liar,” she said. “You don’t have to talk to me about it but I’m here if you want to. And you should know that I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to understand when you’re upset and why. Because I want to know you.”
I pulled her tighter, and bent to press my cheek to hers. “I’m not sure I can put it into words. I’m just feeling a little unsettled. So much is changing.”
She turned in my arms. “Because Andrew is getting married?”