How am I supposed to keep my heart intact and my head on straight when she looks at me like this?
She sits carefully on the bed and offers me a tentative smile. “You really are type A, aren’t you? Everything in its place.”
“Yeah.” No reason to deny it. It’s the truth. Being organized makes me feel a modicum of control over a world where I will never be a big fish. Power isn’t something I’ve craved for myself, not like Achilles has, but being close to him means his big moves make big waves sometimes. I’ve mostly learned to surf them, but occasionally the stress gets to me. Organizing soothes me the same way planning and strategizing does.
Helen looks a little better than she did in the living room. She’s regained her color, and she’s not huddling in on herself anymore. Still, I can’t help asking, “Are you okay?”
“I’m getting there.” She tucks her feet up under the blanket. She seems younger like this, more vulnerable. More like the girl I used to know. I don’t know how to deal with it. I want to wrap her up and protect her, but I already know her well enough to realize that she won’t accept it. It’s honestly a little shocking that Achilles managed to get her to agree to staying in his suite. He probably steamrolled her when she was feeling off-center. He’s good at that.
“You’re safe here. We won’t let anyone touch you.”
“I’m getting that impression.” Helen sighs and looks at me directly. “You’re upset with me.”
“Why would I be upset with you?” The words come out too quickly, too harshly.
Her smile goes a little sad, a little bittersweet. “Because I had angry sex with Achilles.”
“We have an open relationship.” Again, the right words. Again, the wrong tone.
“That’s what I told myself, but it doesn’t mean I was in the right.” She huddles further under the blanket, but she doesn’t drop my gaze. I respect that, even though I’d be able to think a lot clearer if she wasn’t looking directly at me. “It wasn’t like I set out to do it, but intentions don’t really matter. Actions do. I’m sorry.”
They both keep saying sorry as if that changes what happened, and I have a feeling that they’d both do it again if the circumstances lined up. And why not? They haven’t done anything wrong or violated any agreement. I’m the fool who let my feelings get tangled up with a woman I barely know. I have never, not once, reacted to Achilles being with someone else the way I’m reacting to him being with Helen. It’s a me problem, not a them problem.
The logic makes sense in my head.
What comes out of my mouth is something else entirely. “That’s not going to stop you from doing it again.”
She blinks. “I have no intention of fucking Achilles again.”
“You had no intention of fucking him the first time.”
“You’ve got me there.” She fiddles with the edge of the blanket. It strikes me that this is the first time I’ve seen Helen fidget. “He’s irritating, isn’t he?”
I try not to bristle, but I can’t help it. Fuck, I’m a mess right now. “He’s a lot of things.”
“Yeah.” Her expression goes contemplative. “I don’t want to hurt you, Patroclus. I never did. I’ll try really, really hard not to fall on Achilles’s cock again.”
I shake my head and stalk to the window. Achilles is right; it’s impossible to secure properly. It’s large, and while it doesn’t face the fence, it would be all too easy for someone to perch on the roof across from us and shoot her through the glass. I shut the curtains. “You’ll be safe tonight. Hopefully we’ll have some answers tomorrow.”
“Why are you doing this?”
I turn to face her. “What?”
“This.” She motions vaguely at the room. “I’m a big, glaring problem between you and Achilles, which is reason enough to want to put distance between me and both of you. But we’re also competing for Ares. It’s in your best interest to let the attacker scare me off. So why help me? It can’t be because we were friends a lifetime ago. Why try to make me feel safe when it runs counter to your goals?”
That’s a good damn question. If I were more ruthless, maybe I’d do exactly that. I don’t want Helen hurt, but fear never killed anyone. That’s the problem, though. I don’t want her afraid, either. Achilles has always accused me of having too soft a heart, and it’s never been more apparent than right now. Even though it fucking hurts to have both of them in the same space, to see their obvious connection, I can’t hurt her to save my own feelings. “I’m not willing to stand by while people are terrorized just to reach my goals.”