I might not have wielded the sword that cut him, but this is my fault.
There’s not as much space here as there was downstairs, and I’m afraid if I start pacing again, I’ll knock into his bed and cause him pain on accident or something. So I don’t. I force my restless energy down deep and drop into the chair next to his bed.
It’s like the bastard was waiting for me to stop moving, because he opens his eyes almost immediately. “Achilles?” Even his voice is fucked up, raspy and too quiet.
I drag the chair forward and take his hand. “I’m here.” Touching him calms me a little, though it does nothing to remove the guilt plaguing me. My chest goes tight and awful. He’s okay. That’s the only thing that matters. He’s okay.
“I fucked up.”
“I think it’s more than safe to say the only one who really fucked up is me.” The horrible feeling in my chest shows up in my voice, making the words thick. “I got you into this mess because I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you at my side. You got hurt—twice—because I didn’t give a fuck about anything but my needs. I’m sorry. I know that’s not enough, but I’m fucking sorry, Patroclus.”
“Achilles…” Patroclus grips my hand hard. It’s much weaker than he’s normally capable of, but he gets his point across. “Did Paris win Ares?”
“No.”
He exhales and goes limp. “Thank the gods. If after everything, Helen was married to that bastard… We promised her that it wouldn’t happen.” His eyes fly open. “Wait, that means Helen is Ares.”
“Yes.” The bitterness is back in my tone, but even I don’t know if I’m bitter at Helen or the entire situation. I shake my head slowly. “You should have seen her. She dodged three arrows and threw one of her knives at him.”
“Risky,” he murmurs.
“She pulled it off.” I find myself smiling despite everything. “Hit him right in the shoulder joint and knocked his ass to the ground.”
Patroclus squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry for?” I’m speaking too harshly, but there’s only one person in this room that fucked up spectacularly, and it’s me.
He smiles faintly. “I know you wanted Ares. I’m sorry you didn’t get to live out your dream.”
I hesitate, but Patroclus is in this with me, too, and I can’t hold back information from him, no matter how Athena’s words still churn away in the back of my mind. “Athena came by the hospital.” He doesn’t speak, so I force myself to continue. “She says she wants me to stay on as her second-in-command. I guess Bellerophon reported about how close we got with Helen, and she wanted to let me know that in order to pursue things with the new Ares, it means resigning with Athena. Do that, and there’s no going back.”
“Ah.”
I wait, but Patroclus doesn’t offer any brilliant insight. “Well?”
“Well, what?” He leans back and gives my hand another squeeze. “I can’t tell you what the right call is, Achilles. It’s a big decision, and you’re the only one who can make it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
He shakes his head. “It’s up to you to decide if the cost is too high.”
I consider his words, what he did and didn’t say. “You’re going to Helen.”
“I’m not choosing,” Patroclus says firmly. “I love you. I will always love you. But I can’t ignore what I feel for her, either.”
“Athena won’t be happy if you try to straddle that line.”
He shrugs. “Then I’ll resign and see if Apollo’s willing to hire me. He’s one who sees value in information, so he won’t balk if I pursue a relationship with the new Ares and also with Athena’s second-in-command.”
“You’ve thought about this.” I can’t tell if I’m accusing him or not.
“I thought you’d become Ares.” He finally looks away. “I honestly hadn’t thought about contingency plans leading into the third trial. But, Achilles…” He meets my gaze. “I know you. You weren’t talking out your ass about keeping Helen. If you weren’t serious, you never would have brought it up. Did things really change that quickly just because you didn’t become Ares?”
I don’t have an easy answer. I don’t know if an easy answer exists. Finally, I say, “If I try with Helen and it blows up in my face, I’ll actually have lost everything. It’s not an easy choice for me.”
“Isn’t it?”
I open my mouth but stop before I keep arguing. Is Patroclus right? Yeah, it’s a risk to resign and go to Helen. She might have been playing a deeper game during the tournament, manipulating us into being allies who will watch her back, but…
I don’t believe it. Not for a second.
The connection between the three of us was real. More than that, I get Helen. I don’t have to be brilliant like Patroclus to understand the woman. She felt safe with us. She showed us vulnerability. That was real. I’m sure of it.