CHAPTER SIXTEEN
THE DAYS WENTby quickly as I worked myself into a frenzy, beginning some papers for finals and studying for tests of others. Finals were still a few weeks away, but they would be here before I knew it. And with that came the stress of preparing to move out of the apartment and into my car within the week.
I had managed to sell most of my belongings online within the past few weeks, which left me with a few hundred more dollars, but now the only items left in my apartment were my bed, my clothes (though I had sold about half of those, too), and various personal items and necessities, like toiletries and trinkets and books. Otherwise, it was empty. No more couch, bookshelf, dressers, tables. It was just me and the bare essentials. I had even deep-cleaned my car in preparation for living in it.
I only had five days left in my apartment, and I felt surprisingly calm about it all. Things would be okay; they always were. I still thought about Damien and even Alex entirely too often. I tried to avoid it, tried to avoid thinking at all about anything aside from school and work, but it wasn’t possible. When I was in the shower, memories flooded back of Damien kissing me in the hot steam and running his fingers through my wet hair. When I tried to turn on movies for background noise, I thought of that first night, nervously sitting between Alex and Damien before they gave me the best pleasure I had felt in my life. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t escape them. And as much as I hated to admit it, it hurt like hell. How could two people make such a huge impact on my life in such a short amount of time?
Still, I resisted the urge to text Damien, and I hadn’t received anything from him since the day he had dropped me off. It was likely that he had moved on, and I genuinely hoped that he had, because he deserved to. He deserved to be with someone that would make him happy without all the complications that came with me.
As I scrubbed every nook and cranny of the small kitchen, hoping to get it as clean as possible so I could get the security deposit back, I almost felt okay. The windows were open, letting in the warm spring air, and every once in a while, I caught a glimpse of the other college students out in the parking lot tossing a frisbee or football back and forth. Despite the impending changes of my life, I knew that the hurt would likely fade with time, and I would figure things out like I always did. At least, I hoped so.
I tried to tell myself that moving out of here would be an adventure, a learning experience, but I could never quite believe myself. I knew deep down that it would be a pain in the ass to leave, and that I might be just as miserable in California as I was here.
A knock sounded at the door, pulling me from my thoughts. Who could that be? The only people who knew I lived here were Leah and Angie, and they sure as hell weren’t coming to visit.
I tossed aside the rag in my hand and brushed my hair out of my face as I opened the door. My jaw dropped when I saw who it was.
Alex. Standing there casually, hands in his pockets, his dark hair blowing across his forehead. I couldn’t believe it. Despite how badly things ended between us, I was excited to see him. I couldn’t let him know that, though. Not yet, anyway.
“Alex,” I breathed. “W-what are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?” He didn’t seem angry or upset, which was a good sign.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I tried to act casual and stepped aside, motioning for him to come in. He was actually here. Even though we had separated on bad terms, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of relief to see him again.
“Wait, how did you find my apartment? I always had you guys drop me off out front.”
He smirked. “I know a lot of people in the area. It took a while, but I figured it out. Where is all your stuff?” he asked, looking around. I realized there was nowhere for him to sit.
“Umm, I sold it. I’m not taking it with me when I move.”
“But I thought you weren’t moving until the end of May. That’s an entire month away.”
“Well, technically I’m not . . .” I answered. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I also didn’t want to tell the truth.
“What does ‘technically’ mean? Are you, or are you not?”
Sighing, I decided to tell him the truth. I didn’t have anything to lose now, after all. “I don’t have the money to pay for an extra month of rent. Our lease ends this week, and Leah moved out without warning a couple of months ago. I’ve been paying her half of rent since then, and I had to save up for moving. I don’t even know if I’ll have enough to pay for my apartment when I get there.”
Alex was silent for a moment, then spoke softly. “Why didn’t you tell us? We would have helped you.” The emotion in his eyes and voice shocked me; he usually showed only his well-crafted facade of indifference.
“I don’t need your charity,” I scoffed. “You two were already so concerned I would use you for money. I wasn’t about to ask you for that much. And I’m sort of getting whiplash trying to keep up with your constant mood changes. You hated me the last time you saw me, and now you’re concerned for my financial well-being?”
He sighed, then shook his head softly, more to himself than to me. “I know, and I’m sorry. This is entirely my fault. But, I came here for a reason. You need to talk to Damien.”
“Why?” Even at the mention of his name, I felt tears spring to my eyes. It was one thing to think about him when I thought I’d never see him again. Now, seeing Alex, all of it was real again. All of our late-night conversations, our shared laughs, our movie nights. It was harder to write them off as some crazy daydream when Alex was here, in the flesh.
“He’s . . . not himself. He stays in his room most days unless there’s something he needs to do at work, which is rare. He’s barely talked to me lately. I’m also pretty sure he’s drinking a lot. I keep finding empty bottles in the garbage. I don’t know exactly what happened between you two specifically, and I know I don’t have any right to ask you to fix it, but can you at least talk to him? He’s just . . . not himself right now.”
The tears I had been trying desperately to hold back fell down my cheeks as he spoke. I did this to Damien. To happy, carefree, confident Damien. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “Fuck. This is all my fault.”
Alex took a step toward me, then lowered me to the ground and held me as we sat on the carpet. “It’s not all your fault.” The rumble of his low voice soothed me, made me feel safe. He had hurt me the last few times we had spoken, but I was so thoroughly broken now that I needed him, at least for this moment. “I drove you away. And . . . I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you or to Damien.”
“Why did you do it?”
“Why did I act like that? Because I’m a piece of shit who can’t let go of the past.”
“What do you mean?” Damien had already told me about some of Alex’s past, but Alex didn’t know that, and I wanted to hear things from his perspective.
Alex sighed softly before he spoke. “There was this girl. Her name was Renee, and I’m assuming Damien at least mentioned her. She and I had started seeing each other a few years ago. She was so beautiful and smart, and she was so much fun to be around. We just clicked. I started bringing her around the house more, and eventually, she was at our place more than her own. She was the first person besides Damien that I had opened up to about being abused by my mom when I was younger. But things started getting bad pretty soon after. She would start fights on purpose, then make me feel as if I was being unreasonable and controlling. She fucked with my head so much, that toward the end, I was beginning to wonder if I really was the one that was crazy. The last straw was when I happened to check my bank account and realized she had gotten my account information and was sending herself money. I kicked her out, obviously, but not before she had wrecked my confidence and stolen a few thousand dollars from me.”